Kirk Cousins Visits A Subway

[WASHINGTON D.C., SUBWAY INTERIOR]

Sandwich Architect: Hey man, don’t you think it’s about time we took down that RGIII cardboard cutout we’ve got by the door? He’s not even starting for the Redskins anymore.

Assistant Manager: Yeah, you’re probably right. Someone said the same thing yesterday. Is there room for it in the office?

Sandwich Architect: Are you kidding?! We’re already keeping all of the old Jared ones back there. I swear I heard one  ask me if I wanted “6 inches of nothing but extra meat and mayo” last night…

Assistant Manager: Good point. Well, just put it in the men’s room until we figure out what to do with it.

Sandwich Architect: If I start hearing him whispering about “dump offs” in there, I’m quitting.

[One week later]

Kirk Cousins: Good afternoon! I’d like my usual Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki as a footlong, please.

Sandwich Architect: We’re out of chicken at the moment, sir. If you can wait a minute, we should have more ready very soon.

Kirk Cousins: That’s quite alright. I have to go to the restroom anyway.

[Bathroom Door Flies Open]

Kirk Cousins: Oh! Hey there, Robert. I forgot how much you like Subway. “Eat Fresh,” am I right?

Discarded RGIII Cardboard Cutout: …

Kirk Cousins: Heh, yeah. Soooo, what’s going on?

Discarded RGIII Cardboard Cutout: …

Kirk Cousins: Look man, I thought we already talked about this. You’re not ready to come back yet, and Coach Gruden decided to go with me as the starter. I’m sorry that it had to be like this, but I was really hoping we could still be friends.

Discarded RGIII Cardboard Cutout: …

Kirk Cousins: You know what Robert, I didn’t want to say anything, but the fact that you’re wearing your pads, jersey and helmet outside of practice is pretty juvenile. Are you hoping someone recognizes you? Asks for an autograph? Poses for a picture?

Discarded RGIII Cardboard Cutout: …

Kirk Cousins: God damnit, say something to me!

Discarded RGIII Cardboard Cutout: …

Kirk Cousins: FINE, I SEE HOW IT IS! IT’S FINALLY MY TURN TO SHINE! YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE, AND YOU BLEW IT, JUST LIKE YOUR KNEE! I WANTED TO BE FRIENDS, BUT YOU’RE JUST TOO SELF ABSORBED TO THINK OF ANYONE BUT YOURSELF! HAVE FUN AS A BACKUP IN OAKLAND NEXT YEAR, ASSHOLE!

[Kirk runs out of the bathroom while fighting back tears]

Discarded RGIII Cardboard Cutout: …

[The next day]

RGIII: Oh what the FUCK?!