FORWARD! Glorious Red Armies!! Friday Night Open Thread

This is my way of saying that I am favourably disposed towards the el beisbol Cardinals and the university footy squad of North Carolina State.

The less said about the former, the better. I’m just hoping the goat keeps doing its cherished thing. Then the Mets/Dodgers can sweep my Redbirds right out, and I am completely fine with that. Just let the media/Joe Maddon circle jerk end before I fucking kill somebody.

ESPN brings you quite the delight in alternative programming – the shitshow that is the Castrated Turkey offense of old man Frank Beamer. He does things the RIGHT WAY, amirite?? My wolven sort looked like absolute monkeyfuck offensively against their first real opponent last week (teh Fightin’ Petrinos), so this could get really depressing. Turns out having an offensive line is totes important, guys.

There may be other things happening, various citizens of Canadia and Putin client states beating each up whilst figure skating, etc. And I’m sure Moose has disturbing gifs to share.

Props again to Covalent Blonde for finding this magnificent, heroic, cuddly Stalin picture for me. I shall love her forever for it!

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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nomonkeyfun

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-j7gQJS7WKdU/T0EyNRvLxTI/AAAAAAAAH38/faR4Gg34xOY/s1600/neve-campbell-hot-1.jpg

Was never sure why she was forced into the Craiglist section of W seeking W, yet if you put her into the M seeking W, the man was considered to be off kilter.

Maybe I’m still off kilter, but anyway, goodnight my fellow sex preverts.

I need to be alert to play with my fellow baseball preverts tomorrow.

Meet the Mets, meet the Mets, head to the park and greet the Mets.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I always thought she had one of the prettiest faces, “just one look….”

nomonkeyfun

I love that book.

So simple, yet such a great primer for life in the big city.

And New Yorkers have been “on line” for at least 75 years.

nomonkeyfun

As a parting gift to all of our contestants this evening I offer this magazine. I know what Moose will find most interesting, as well as Marc Trestman. I believe the rest of us will just bask in the glory of the combination.
http://i.ebayimg.com/images/i/181830681186-0-1/s-l1000.jpg

Beastmode Ate My Baby

“Furry Freak Bros. Look-Alike Contest?!!” Oh, boy!

/looks at date of magazine
//sad now

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Do you mean Marc Trestman’s Windowless Van because of High Times?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
nomonkeyfun

I’m disappointed that she doesn’t know that a woman can wear a hat on her head indoors.

Porky Prime

…and Yasiel Puig was never seen again.

nomonkeyfun

Does PMSD stand for Parents suck mad dick?

That would be an interesting family to live in.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Or just Kentucky.

nomonkeyfun

In Kentucky the Father would still get in trouble for sucking, unless he were on his fourth marriage two the woman who gave birth to his child, who was originally his second wife, but now he claimed he was Christian. This is ignoring the fact that he’d been a practicing Baptist, a sect that only believes in adult Baptisms, when you are old enough to reasonably decide you want to be a full member of the community.

My apologies, but this whole Kim Davis thing is driving me up a wall.

This whole sanctity of marriage thing is driving me so far up a wall that I’m really wishing for a “the Donald” vs. Hilary matchup. If only so the Christian anti-gay marriage activists can be hoisted on their own petard. Not that they would like that. (Too gay.) Although, I’m sure a surprising number wouldn’t mind that, for wither gender.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No need to be sorry; Ms. Davis is using her GOVERNMENT office to force her religious beliefs on others

WCS

Truth be told, a sex barbecue is my definition of a very good day.

http://www.runjimborun.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/ryd2vn1yahptvfgt8lki.gif

Lothar of the Hill People

You just are hung up on “smoking meat” and “pulling pork”

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I can tell, just from her photos, that Eliza Dushku would be totally into me if we were to ever meet.

Why, yes, I do live in my own world. Why do you ask?

http://filmsor.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/eliza_dushku.png

Beastmode Ate My Baby

She’s giving me that look…right, guys? I mean, I’m not imagining it, am I?

http://i.cdn.turner.com/si/2009/images/09/23/eliza-dushku.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I posted several of her on a thread a couple of weeks ago; hope you saw those.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I did! My wife always knows when you post those. She gets a towel so I don’t drool on the keyboard.

nomonkeyfun

http://insidemediatrack.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/1601166-low-the-hour.jpg

Not the traditional “hot ” woman, but she just revs my engine whenever I see her on screen.

laserguru

It all makes sense now.

nomonkeyfun

Martin,

Re: The comments about [Hard Ride to Nowhere] earlier today. I present St.Trinians upper form girls 1960’s and 2000.
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But for the Girl Scouts, I was being less prurient and thinking of the lower form girls like these young lasses, who would be perfect for the role of anarchist Girl Scouts.
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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Poor Balls. He never had a chance.

nomonkeyfun

That’s what happens when you don’t listen to the President.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Let that be a lesson to us all.

nomonkeyfun

BTW, I loooove Hard Ride. It is so fucking absurd and brilliant. I hope it becomes the commentariat version of the story that never ends.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I warned the powers-that-be that I’d continue churning out a chapter a week until communal common sense took over and I was banned from the site.

More seriously: Thanks! I really do appreciate it.

laserguru

Drinks have been had.

Life changes have been enacted. Fuck yes.
There are rumors that I may be putting my skills to real use. Somebody wants me to cook for them. Really.

I have a cushy job right now. They love me. I do pretty well. Total white collar but I wore my Cubbies shirt today so it’s not totally uptight.

I would be majority owner. Honestly, you have to look two steps down the road and I can cook like a motherfucker.

Do we get benefits?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gp21F4fimkc

If you know me you know I love to cook

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
laserguru
laserguru

I’m trying over here.

nomonkeyfun
Martin

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Martin

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laserguru

I’m late to the proceedings and I’ve been drinking.

I’m going to embed the video and then put down a link because.

https://youtu.be/vxKvjCPGBuo

WCS

Allow me:

Porky Prime

RALLY BEWBS!!!
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nomonkeyfun

So there is a reason to live in LA.

Porky Prime

Rally bewb fail; should have used rally booty.
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nomonkeyfun

They’re hard to see, but I would have classified this picture as rally thighs.
But that’s just me.

I’d wish you good luck tomorrow, but well, Thor is pitching, and I’m still pissed that Jay Howell wasn’t suspended for the playoffs in ’88 after Davey Johnson caught him with the pinetar.

Porky Prime

Well, if nothing else, the Mets are a decent fallback team if the Dodgers lose. Fuck the Cubs and Cards and the AL…maybe the Astros are ok. Mets v. Astros would be a nice “rematch” of 86.

nomonkeyfun

I feel the same about your Dodgers. The only possible exception is the Royals, because they are fun. And their fans have truly suffered for the last 30 years.

Porky Prime

Plus the uniforms look like the Dodgers if I squint.

WCS

“Let me tell you, folks. This Blue Moon, with an orange slice is top-notch. It’s a great wheat beer. If you haven’t heard of it, I understand. I had not before last week either, when I walked into a bar in Manhattan, and asked the beertender about that new, white handle. It’s a great beer, goes great with watching baseball. Too bad my Red Sox aren’t in the post-season this year.”

— Peter King, 10/19/15

nomonkeyfun

“So my friend from Montclair, Jack Bowers, the man who told me about nutmeg lasgna introduced me to a new beer the other day. He said that he read my blub about Blue Moon and had a beer that he thought I would really like. It’s called Weihenstephan. Apparently the brewery was founded a long time ago, I think I think that it was in 1825, but I could be wrong. It could have been in 1925. Boy 1925 was such a long time ago. I can’t believe anything organization from then still exists. This was only after the Red Sox sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees to support an early version of ‘Cats’. Wasn’t that a great show. Who have thunk those animals had so many emotions. Wow, can you believe it the Cubs lost again in heart breaking fashion. They don’t know how brutal it is to be a Red sox fan, but they have suffered. Anyway, as I was saying he had me try this beer. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I thought it was bitter and heavy. It is the sort of thing I would want to drink after a long day out walking the streets of New York or Boston in the middle of the winter. Did you know that it only takes three hours to walk from one neighborhood in York(that’s how the locals tell they refer to it as) to another. Only in New York City. But as I was saying, I thought the beer was too heavy and they didn’t even give me a slice of orange with it. I must say that I was terribly dissapointed with the bartender. He wasn’t a mean man, but when I asked for an orange slice, he looked at me for about twenty seconds before he understood what I meant. I think he might have been one of those people. You know the ones that need special help. I’m glad the bar was providing employment for the mental crips, but should they really be having him serve customers. That isn’t something Starbucks would do.”

PK 10/26/15

WCS

nomonkeyfun

BTW, Balls’ next chapter is up.

laserguru

Well shit.
Howdy folks!

Porky Prime

Wuddup, G.

WCS

S’up, G?

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nomonkeyfun

G’Day Bruce.

WCS

I graded over 50 midterm essays today, because I essentially blew them off yesterday. I’m tired, I’m mentally exhausted, and despite my best efforts, can’t seem to get drunk. This is karma for being useless AND getting shitfaced yesterday, right?

Porky Prime

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nomonkeyfun

Is that another fake move poster like our resident mad scientist, Frau Doktor, posted earlier this evening?

JFK High School with an explosive apple, I don’t think so?

Porky Prime

No, it was real.

Real bad.

Lothar of the Hill People

.38 Special did a song for the soundtrack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SL46rSUXW1k

Porky Prime

Okay, seriously, I poke around the webs and all I’m seeing is “Kershaw sux choker unclutch…etc,etc,” and I get it, he doesn’t throw shutouts in October. But the Dodgers have like $180 million sunk into their hitting alone and they couldn’t hit water if they fell out of a fucking boat. I don’t know if firing Mattingly even matters but it can’t hurt.

I’ve been saying for three years that Mattingly is not a good manager and he should be replaced but everyone in baseball loves him and has teh feels for him out of nostalgia so he’s kept his job. Presumably it’s finally world series or bust but Jesus Christ why has it taken so long for the Dodgers to wake up to that? Ryne Sandberg got run out of Philly for the exact same inadequacy, but because Mattingly is more aw shucks he’s managed to Norv Turner his way into the front office’s heart. I love Don Mattingly the player. Don Mattingly the manager makes me want to throw empty jars of baby food at my TV. Anything they win is despite him.

Sorry, I know anyone who pays any attention to me at all is saying “where the fuck are these kinds of rants for the sport that matters?” Well it’s because I start every football season with the lowest expectations for the Raiders. The Dodgers have a pretense of competence, but the guy filling out the lineup cards is a Mush.

Porky Prime

tl;dr, yeah yeah yeah…

WCS

As a Pirates fan, I’d sell my right kidney for three consecutive division titles.

Porky Prime

Ok, ok, the Pirates have suffered a bit more, but they’re run pretty well these days and it’s only the St. Louis Patriots fucking up their shit…well, and the Cubs too, now. On the other hand, the Goddamn Not Football Giants have 3 of the last 5 rings, so 1988 seems even further away.

nomonkeyfun

Part of the reason that Mattingly gets so much slack, besides the fact that he’s such a nice, polite, guy who treats the game with “respect”, is the fact that so much of the money spent on the offense was wasted on bums who physically fell apart.
You can blame a manager to some degree for lack of production, but when you’re GM brings in old man Cawford as an outfielder, after his Boston collapse, and Gonzalez after his collapse, and on and on and on, then you really can’t put it on Donnie Baseball.

Porky Prime

Yes I can. There were some specific decisions involving bad bullpen moves and leaving Andre Ethier with a bad leg injury on base in a playoff game instead of a pinch runner (2013 I think) that sealed it in my mind. They may not have won the WS but it would have been more of a fight.

The bullpen has been sorely neglected though, I admit that’s one of the biggest reasons and that’s put of Donnie’s hands.

nomonkeyfun

I haven’t watched many Dodger games, so I don’t really know too much about his tactical decisions. I understand he has a tendency to lean too heavily on his solid relievers and wear them to a nub. He spent too much time under Torre with the deep rubber armed bullpens that man had, both in NY and LA.

Girardi has the same problem.

I think part of the problem, for judging managers, in baseball is that the tactical decisions a manager makes aren’t really that important during the regular season. It’s really the operational views he holds that matter. The way he uses a bullpen, the amount of rest he gives to his regulars, especially older players and catcher, and perhaps most importantly how much he works his starters in high leverage situations.

Porky Prime

Dont get me wrong, I see the long game here and it’s possible Donnie is just a stable placeholder while they finish whipping the farm system into shape. Basically they’re trying to be the Astros and Cubs but with the expensive option of dumping money into the current lineup to maintain interest instead of losing market share and national exposure to the Angels and Giants. If they happen to win a title during the overall rebuild, fantastic, but they’re burning money now to stay relevant during the transition. I don’t think a $300 million payroll os going to be the norm 2-3 years from now, though it’ll still be high as shit.

nomonkeyfun

It looks like $40mil of dead weight comes off the payroll next year, plus you’ve got the Eithier and Crawford contracts coming off the year after. That’s about $75mil in two years. That’s about 75% of the Mets payroll this year.

With that huge TV deal, and no Bernie Madoff issues, the Dodgers should easily slot in at one the top three spending teams for the next 5-10 years.

nomonkeyfun

This is the sort of situation that makes NL baseball so much better than Al ball. Do you pinch hit for DeGrom 1st and 2nd one out, when he has 101 pitches or do you hope to get one more inning?

Porky Prime

Take him out! Is Rick Aguilera or Terry Leach available?

nomonkeyfun

No, but I think Orosco is still pitching somewhere.

ssi_bulldawg

Are any of y’all still checking out warming glow? Thoughts on the new bloggers over there? It seems like Rowles somehow isn’t their low point. It’s getting worse. For those that have banned all #uproxxupforwhatever, you aren’t missing much.

Porky Prime

I click once in a while out of habit but my account got cocked anyway. Still never figured out why.

Horatio Cornblower

Not in quite a while. I’m banned, (and I know why), but I’ve looked at it a few times since the Great Ending.

I don’t appear to be missing anything.

ssi_bulldawg

Between Rowles’ terrible theories, and some of the new folks not having watched a show that came out before 2012 (because that’s when their parents started letting them HBO), it’s basically #whatsontonight! Sponsored by Amy Shumer. And guess what show would be on that night, and incredibly praised….. Amy Shumar. Don’t get me wrong. Nothing against her, but I stop paying attention to your suggestions when it becomes clear you are just a glorified commercial

Horatio Cornblower

I just swung by their for shits and giggles. There are as many articles with no comments as there are with more than 10. Maybe more.

I’d feel bad for UPROXX but I hate them so fuck it. Enjoy the burn assholes.

nomonkeyfun

For the first week after it all went down, I kept accidentally going to it in the morning out of instinct. I cleared my cache and only went back when someone said here recently that all the hardcore was still up in the comments section. Just wanted to see what happened that day.

Spanky Datass

I click sometimes for the “What’s on Tonight/This Weekend” but haven’t ‘signed in to comment’ since 7-31-15. It’s such a wasteland.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve poked my nose in from time to time, and the interface has become so godawful that I don’t think I’ve actually read any articles in months. Poor Danger.

ssi_bulldawg

He’s the only one worth reading. as Hippo said above, I don’t feel bad (other than for Danger). It’s actually kind of fun to see so many articles with no comments. Or mouthbreather comments.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m done with that, have not WGed since the sinking.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh…ffs everybody.

NC State Football. The epitomy of WTNY.

Just kill me now.

Horatio Cornblower

So it was movie night here at the Cornblower estate, (“estate” = van down by the river), and we switched it up to a classic, going with ‘Night of the Hunter’. Some influential, (i.e. “French”) film magazine rated it the second best film of all time. Roger Ebert called it one of the scariest movies ever.

It’s laugh-out-loud bad. I mean it’s fucking terrible. Mitchum has a few good moments but overall the acting’s terrible. When Mitchum chases the kids in the basement, (which I’m guessing is one of the scary scenes since it’s dark), I laughed so hard I almost fell over.

Just thought I’d share that with everyone. Now back to the Mets.

Porky Prime

Would you want Robert Mitchum chasing you?

Horatio Cornblower

I would beat the bejesus out of Robert Mitchum,

Mostly because he’s been dead for 18 years and couldn’t hit me back.

WCS

True story: that movie was shot in my wife’s hometown. Her grandparents were extras.

Horatio Cornblower

Did they get to be in the lynch mob and wave broken furniture over their heads? Because if so that’s like the 3rd most awesome thing I’ve ever heard in my life and that includes the time Jesus appeared to me in a lilac bush and told me I was the King of Jupiter.

Anyone else think I should stop drinking imperial stouts about now?

WCS

I don’t remember. I’ll ask her grandpap next time I see him. I do know they were also extras in Fools’ Parade, starring Jimmy Stewart, George Kennedy, and a very young Kurt Russell. It was also shot in and around Moundsville.

nomonkeyfun

Murphy bomb!!!!!!!!!

Porky Prime

Boo.

Porky Prime

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Spanky Datass

Hell yes!

Spanky Datass

One more try for an Isaac.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCzElCx_LK8

montythisseemsstrangetome

deGrom and Kershaw could start an ’80s hair band.

Horatio Cornblower

Kershaw would be the guy that starts the fatal fire right before their triumphant reunion tour.

Porky Prime

I CAN HANDLE THINGS! I’M SMAHT!

Doktor Zymm

GOOD NIGHT ASSHOLES. THE FUTURE IS MAKING A CHUMP OUT OF YOU!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NEXT Tuesday!

nomonkeyfun

Where’s Wendy. Thass sexist and anti-Gingerite.

montythisseemsstrangetome

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

montythisseemsstrangetome

Was surprised he took out Lackey when he did, but yeah, that 8th inning was awesome. Knew Rosey would make it interesting too.

Doktor Zymm

Things look bad enough without looking closer at them. *throws away contacts* *Has fantastic subsequent love life*

theeWeeBabySeamus
Doktor Zymm

Always a catchy song. Though not super applicable for me. In the same vein, “The Good Earth” is a good book.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Haha….good point.

My bad for not being sensitive to the gender of your replycinacations.

Yes, I made that word up. 😉

nomonkeyfun

I’ve never heard of this word “sensitive” before.

Could you define it for me.

Doktor Zymm

No worries, I’m down with much as long as whoever buys me a drinkafataco should they be in town.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Tacos????

Awesome!!!! When shall I pick youse up????

😉