Eli and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Game

Based on the story by Judith Viorst

I went to the game chewing gum, and now there’s gum in my helmet and the locker room at Lincoln Financial smells funny and I accidentally put my jersey on backwards and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad game

During warmups, Odell got red Gatorade, and Rashad got blue Gatorade and I was stuck with orange Gatorade. I hate orange Gatorade. I think I’ll go play for the Australian Football League

In the first quarter I threw a short pass to Reuben and a short pass to Larry and a short pass to Will and even a short pass to Odell, for a TD. I wanted to throw a long pass, I said I was getting scrunched, and if I didn’t get more room I would throw an interceptions and no one even said anything. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad game.

On the next drive, coach didn’t like my idea for a play that looked like a puppy when drawn out, and he said I wasn’t saying Omaha enough like my brother, and then I missed my receiver and threw and interception. Who needs receivers? It was absolutely going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad game.

I could tell because Ben McAdoo said I wasn’t his best friend anymore. The Eagles got a TD, and Ben said Odell was his best friend, followed by Rashad, and then me. I hope your snack cup explodes, Ben! And all your best players move to Australia!

During the second quarter I threw a pick-six, and the Eagles defense people were mean to me and Rashad dropped the ball and I kept going 3 and out. Coach said no juice boxes during half time. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad game.

In the third quarter I was sacked, and fumbled, and called for intentional grounding. Also, I saw myself on the big screen and my helmet looked stupid, but they won’t let me put on racing stripes. They say we can wear the home uniforms next week, but next week I’ll be in the AFL

The only snack on the sidelines were sunflower seeds. I hate sunflower seeds. The Eagles fans kept calling me names, and the Eagles defender men pushed me in the dirt and they’re all a bunch of meany heads. I tried to throw a pass, but it went all wonky and they wouldn’t let Ereck catch the ball and we lost. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad game.

Coach says some games are like that. Even in the AFL