TB @ Atl: Winston has 9 TD’s and 7 Int’s-lousy, huh? His opposite today, Ryan has a sparkling 9 TD’s and 6 Int’s (also almost 600 more yards but still). At this point Tampa is just trying to show some progress and get through the season while the Falcons need a win to stay within tobacco juice-spitting distance of the Panthers. I’m not sure how Atlanta is going to pull this out what with Hankerson being out. Hopefully one of the other guys at the WR spot will come through.
Ari @ Cle: The Madden simulation of this game had the Cards winning 149-56. I think RB Johnson is going to break a long one against a Browns run D that almost always falls apart in the 2nd half. Don’t get me started on WR Bowe and his 9 mil. guaranteed contract and his three straight healthy scratches and “redemption time” narrative. Browns fans that want Manziel in are nuts. Why? McCown has made a star (okay, maybe “viable player” is the better term) out of TE Barnidge. What sort of sorcery has gotten these guys to connect for 459 yds. and 5 TD’s? Cleveland gets 3 starters back-CB Haden, FS Gipson and ILB Robertson. It won’t be enough for a win but this will allow them to be more aggressive.
F @ StL: San Fran takes it on the road and most likely on the chin today. The struggling Kaep may be without both Hyde and Boldin today as both are listed as questionable. (much like Kaep’s on-field decisions) Against a top 10 D, that spells more trouble and regression for a guy who doesn’t need either. The Rams are dead last in passing yards per game and Foles is taking some heat for it but I’m not having it. The WR corps consists of Britt, Bailey, Quick, TE Cook, who is inconsistent and Austin. Tavon is talented and just needs to be put into open space with the ball in order to make things happen but that is not happening often enough. I expect with the emergence of Gurley things will sort themselves out somewhat but this group is third rate.
NYG @ NO: Eli should be happy to know that the Saints give up the fifth-most passing yards per game at 275. This stat is actually worse than it seems because the Saints have rarely had a large lead on anyone therefore forcing them to air it out. After losing three straight the Saints have won the last three of four. When they are up they go after the QB hard-13 of their 16 sacks have occurred while they had the lead. The Giants have a measly nine in total. RB Orleans Darkwa of the Giants, a long shot to make the 53 man squad in September is pushing his way into the Giants RBBC.
Min @ Chi: Minny looks to be entering into a multi-year window of competitiveness given what they’ve done in the draft the past two years. Bridgewater, Kendricks, Barr, Diggs, Clemmings and Wayne are young, solid and talented. Also, most of them have no memory of having lost 7 straight at Soldier Field. Here’s this week’s “Stat Dis-Connect of the Week”. The Bears have the 26th ranked rush D yet have only given up 2 TD’s on the ground. Wah? Perhaps AP will close the gap a bit today.
SD @ Dal: Philip “The Loin Master” Rivers just had his eighth kid. Or maybe his wife did. I don’t know. That’s six girls and two boys and increasing pressure on the cervix and the population density of greater San Diego. Speaking of easy to score on, both these D’s like to give it away so we should be in for a bit of a TD/FG bonerama.
Cin @ Pit: “Big Ben Is Back!” yelled the owner of my fantasy team just now. I expect the Two B’s (Bell and Brown) to put it into a higher gear today. Hell, I’m calling it-Bengals get their first loss of the season today. Dalton can’t keep his insane numbers going much longer, can he? The world-weary Bengals fans shout “NO WAY!” in unison. WR Green is getting CB Antwon Blake today because Gay is banged up so Cincy should put up some points. Kudos to the guy who drafted RB Hill right in front of me. Buddy, I owe you one.
Ten @ Hou: This is our third game featuring a one win team playing a two win squad. Whoopee! Say goodbye to Hoyermallet and the lousy run they had and welcome Hoyersavageyates to the party. I’m just kidding, I saw TJ Yates in pre-season and I doubt that the coaches trust him with a clipboard. Foster done tore himself his Achilles and is gone for the year. To those mothers dipping their incipient football-playing sons into the River Styx I can’t stress this enough-DUNK THE WHOLE KID IN, DON’T BE LAZY ABOUT IT! Jeezuz!
http://41.media.tumblr.com/49afd21e40021e40061035e1af5e5565/tumblr_nljbpu8DsG1rsxqqio1_500.jpg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VWS3n6i3KA
Rogers-Cromartie was riding Snead’s ass so hard right there one of the refs should’ve thrown a rainbow flag.
Dalton with the punt.
Bengals Bengaling
Browns Brownsing
Bears Bearsing
All is well.
DALTONOBYL CONTINUES AT THE CONFLUENCE
Hail Bungles, Lords of the HERP
http://33.media.tumblr.com/1b266135c4e1a53eead82859a4f1c5f8/tumblr_nhzae9A8Zr1rsxqqio1_500.gif
What happened to Arians’ Kangol?
Nice Bears D going on there.
His kryptonite is just a grill.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/ea7c563f92c476bb0756d04e278c8a3d/tumblr_nlkqev7oxI1rsxqqio1_1280.jpg
Seriously, fuck off Chicago.
Situational punting not working for Stillers today.
Oh, Bears
http://41.media.tumblr.com/bb1d20c1013273b589b7419097a63050/tumblr_npla1kQg6E1rsxqqio1_400.jpg
Wait, are we going to get the rare touchdown-injury timeout-extra point-commercial-touchback-commercial?
By my understanding of the rules, Palmer didn’t maintain through the entire motion of the catch. Touchdown Cincinnati.
Ok, so I guess I don’t get to watch the rest of the early games. Local broadcast of Vikes/Bears, here I come!
Refs fucking up in Cleveland… but looks like the review will correct the error.
http://i.imgur.com/UBwa0w4.jpg
Carson Palmer RUSHING TOUCHDOWN.
That’ll do, Factory. That’ll do.
Tell me more about how Andy Dalton is the highest rated quarterback coming into this week?
Andy Dalton has taken over Romo’s mantle nicely
GingerNOBYL
Stupid stupid Saints.
Classic Eli.
Hold the fuck on. Did the Browns actually just fuck up that lead?
No, it’s actually been awhile now.
It’s the Browns, so of course they did
No foul on the field, the player was pushed out of bounds. What?
NEVER STOP BEING YOU ANDY DALTON WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
There will be no winner of the NFC East.
Just a team that loses less.
With apologies to Redshirt….
WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
heh dick jokes
Simultaneous possession? Touchdown seahawks
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
no, wait
This game has been a stomach-churning chum bucket of blowfish guts and cyanide.
BLEERGH has made an appearance in New Orleans
And now Eli knows how his father felt.
RIP Eli
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spkcAjt-TKU
http://41.media.tumblr.com/489f3e51335397e8df6f4ebc4ab17112/tumblr_ndfvy1qAgb1rmivwfo3_250.png
I like those, I mean her
Fuck yeah, Saints! Break him!
BAZINGA BROHEIMS
i can haz turnover pls?
“We’re down by two scores in the fourth quarter. Let’s run it on first down again.”
-Coughlin
Coughlin has a stone tablet with “YE OLDE FOOTBALL RULES” carved into it that he consults for play choices
THESE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS I CALL ‘EM THE SNAKE PLISSKENS, CAUSE THEY’RE RUNNING STRAIGHT THROUGH NEW YORK LIKE THEY ONLY HAVE THREE HOURS TO LIVE
Jay Cutler apparently forgot that he’s playing for a 2-4 and not a potential Super Bowl contender.
I really hope he had his concussion vaccine.
http://i.imgur.com/ze9ReDz.jpg
http://33.media.tumblr.com/4afaf0dd886f0fe613753a34f9482595/tumblr_ni34qdr5So1rsxqqio1_400.gif
CATLER FULLBACK SWEEP
http://img1.picturescafe.com/pc/wednesday/wednesday_002.jpg
Wife has completely bailed on her turkey opinion. Thanks, moist turkey, sarcasm, common sense and taste buds.
Was she just fucking with you from the get go?
No. She’s a tough meat kinda gal.
I mean, I’ve heard of that with beef, but never turkey. My younger kids like the crap canned gravy, but they don’t want the meat all tough.
She has admitted error on her part – take this opportunity to educate her on what else she’s wrong about*
*Do not do this if you value your sanity
And Sunday Ticket just froze. Better than usual this week, I actually got to watch most of the early games.
My Sunday Ticket keeps skipping every once in a while, usually right when some dumb announcer like Gumbel says something stupid, so I get to hear the stupid twice.
I’ve turned it into a drinking game.
HAIL BLEERGH
Most JELLY of JELLY gods!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GtZ_DVBQ78
http://33.media.tumblr.com/7dce0338b87c66814bb705898a3f88f9/tumblr_n9vc9v1Otl1qdlh1io1_r1_400.gif
HAIL BLEERGH