Your One O’Clock Slate Open Thread

TB @ Atl: Winston has 9 TD’s and 7 Int’s-lousy, huh? His opposite today, Ryan has a sparkling 9 TD’s and 6 Int’s (also almost 600 more yards but still). At this point Tampa is just trying to show some progress and get through the season while the Falcons need a win to stay within tobacco juice-spitting distance of the Panthers. I’m not sure how Atlanta is going to pull this out what with Hankerson being out. Hopefully one of the other guys at the WR spot will come through.

Ari @ Cle: The Madden simulation of this game had the Cards winning 149-56. I think RB Johnson is going to break a long one against a Browns run D that almost always falls apart in the 2nd half. Don’t get me started on WR Bowe and his 9 mil. guaranteed contract and his three straight healthy scratches and “redemption time” narrative. Browns fans that want Manziel in are nuts. Why? McCown has made a star (okay, maybe “viable player” is the better term) out of TE Barnidge. What sort of sorcery has gotten these guys to connect for 459 yds. and 5 TD’s? Cleveland gets 3 starters back-CB Haden, FS Gipson and ILB Robertson. It won’t be enough for a win but this will allow them to be more aggressive.

F @ StL: San Fran takes it on the road and most likely on the chin today. The struggling Kaep may be without both Hyde and Boldin today as both are listed as questionable. (much like Kaep’s on-field decisions) Against a top 10 D, that spells more trouble and regression for a guy who doesn’t need either. The Rams are dead last in passing yards per game and Foles is taking some heat for it but I’m not having it. The WR corps consists of Britt, Bailey, Quick, TE Cook, who is inconsistent and Austin. Tavon is talented and just needs to be put into open space with the ball in order to make things happen but that is not happening often enough. I expect with the emergence of Gurley things will sort themselves out somewhat but this group is third rate.

NYG @ NO: Eli should be happy to know that the Saints give up the fifth-most passing yards per game at 275. This stat is actually worse than it seems because the Saints have rarely had a large lead on anyone therefore forcing them to air it out. After losing three straight the Saints have won the last three of four. When they are up they go after the QB hard-13 of their 16 sacks have occurred while they had the lead. The Giants have a measly nine in total. RB Orleans Darkwa of the Giants, a long shot to make the 53 man squad in September is pushing his way into the Giants RBBC.

Min @ Chi: Minny looks to be entering into a multi-year window of competitiveness given what they’ve done in the draft the past two years. Bridgewater, Kendricks, Barr, Diggs, Clemmings and Wayne are young, solid and talented. Also, most of them have no memory of having lost 7 straight at Soldier Field. Here’s this week’s “Stat Dis-Connect of the Week”. The Bears have the 26th ranked rush D yet have only given up 2 TD’s on the ground. Wah? Perhaps AP will close the gap a bit today.

SD @ Dal: Philip “The Loin Master” Rivers just had his eighth kid. Or maybe his wife did. I don’t know. That’s six girls and two boys and increasing pressure on the cervix and the population density of greater San Diego. Speaking of easy to score on, both these D’s like to give it away so we should be in for a bit of a TD/FG bonerama.

Cin @ Pit: “Big Ben Is Back!” yelled the owner of my fantasy team just now. I expect the Two B’s (Bell and Brown) to put it into a higher gear today. Hell, I’m calling it-Bengals get their first loss of the season today. Dalton can’t keep his insane numbers going much longer, can he? The world-weary Bengals fans shout “NO WAY!” in unison. WR Green is getting CB Antwon Blake today because Gay is banged up so Cincy should put up some points. Kudos to the guy who drafted RB Hill right in front of me. Buddy, I owe you one.

Ten @ Hou: This is our third game featuring a one win team playing a two win squad. Whoopee! Say goodbye to Hoyermallet and the lousy run they had and welcome Hoyersavageyates to the party. I’m just kidding, I saw TJ Yates in pre-season and I doubt that the coaches trust him with a clipboard. Foster done tore himself his Achilles and is gone for the year. To those mothers dipping their incipient football-playing sons into the River Styx I can’t stress this enough-DUNK THE WHOLE KID IN, DON’T BE LAZY ABOUT IT! Jeezuz!

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John Difool

Rogers-Cromartie was riding Snead’s ass so hard right there one of the refs should’ve thrown a rainbow flag.

bourb0nblues

Dalton with the punt.

fleshwound_NPG

Bengals Bengaling
Browns Brownsing
Bears Bearsing

All is well.

Sill Bimmons

DALTONOBYL CONTINUES AT THE CONFLUENCE

WCS

Hail Bungles, Lords of the HERP

Moonbatting Average

What happened to Arians’ Kangol?

ThePirateSloth

Nice Bears D going on there.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
fleshwound_NPG

Seriously, fuck off Chicago.

Sill Bimmons

Situational punting not working for Stillers today.

bourb0nblues

Oh, Bears

Senor Weaselo

Wait, are we going to get the rare touchdown-injury timeout-extra point-commercial-touchback-commercial?

Gratliff

By my understanding of the rules, Palmer didn’t maintain through the entire motion of the catch. Touchdown Cincinnati.

Doktor Zymm

Ok, so I guess I don’t get to watch the rest of the early games. Local broadcast of Vikes/Bears, here I come!

bourb0nblues

Refs fucking up in Cleveland… but looks like the review will correct the error.

Brick Meathook
King Hippo

Carson Palmer RUSHING TOUCHDOWN.

That’ll do, Factory. That’ll do.

synapticmisfires

Tell me more about how Andy Dalton is the highest rated quarterback coming into this week?

Moonbatting Average

Andy Dalton has taken over Romo’s mantle nicely

King Hippo

GingerNOBYL

Gratliff

Stupid stupid Saints.

Senor Weaselo

Classic Eli.

ThePirateSloth

Hold the fuck on. Did the Browns actually just fuck up that lead?

King Hippo

No, it’s actually been awhile now.

Bortleback

It’s the Browns, so of course they did

synapticmisfires

No foul on the field, the player was pushed out of bounds. What?

Sill Bimmons

NEVER STOP BEING YOU ANDY DALTON WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Doktor Zymm

There will be no winner of the NFC East.

WCS

Just a team that loses less.

WCS

With apologies to Redshirt….

WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

indieguy

heh dick jokes

Bortleback

Simultaneous possession? Touchdown seahawks

ThePirateSloth

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

no, wait

Sill Bimmons

This game has been a stomach-churning chum bucket of blowfish guts and cyanide.

Moonbatting Average

BLEERGH has made an appearance in New Orleans

Senor Weaselo

And now Eli knows how his father felt.

John Difool

RIP Eli

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Bortleback

I like those, I mean her

Gratliff

Fuck yeah, Saints! Break him!

Sill Bimmons

BAZINGA BROHEIMS

WCS

i can haz turnover pls?

Bortleback

Coughlin has a stone tablet with “YE OLDE FOOTBALL RULES” carved into it that he consults for play choices

John Difool

THESE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS I CALL ‘EM THE SNAKE PLISSKENS, CAUSE THEY’RE RUNNING STRAIGHT THROUGH NEW YORK LIKE THEY ONLY HAVE THREE HOURS TO LIVE

synapticmisfires

Jay Cutler apparently forgot that he’s playing for a 2-4 and not a potential Super Bowl contender.

I really hope he had his concussion vaccine.

Brick Meathook
fleshwound_NPG

CATLER FULLBACK SWEEP

King Hippo

Was she just fucking with you from the get go?

King Hippo

I mean, I’ve heard of that with beef, but never turkey. My younger kids like the crap canned gravy, but they don’t want the meat all tough.

Bortleback

She has admitted error on her part – take this opportunity to educate her on what else she’s wrong about*

*Do not do this if you value your sanity

Doktor Zymm

And Sunday Ticket just froze. Better than usual this week, I actually got to watch most of the early games.

ThePirateSloth

My Sunday Ticket keeps skipping every once in a while, usually right when some dumb announcer like Gumbel says something stupid, so I get to hear the stupid twice.

I’ve turned it into a drinking game.

Sill Bimmons

HAIL BLEERGH

King Hippo

Most JELLY of JELLY gods!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

HAIL BLEERGH