Your One O’Clock Slate Open Thread

TB @ Atl: Winston has 9 TD’s and 7 Int’s-lousy, huh? His opposite today, Ryan has a sparkling 9 TD’s and 6 Int’s (also almost 600 more yards but still). At this point Tampa is just trying to show some progress and get through the season while the Falcons need a win to stay within tobacco juice-spitting distance of the Panthers. I’m not sure how Atlanta is going to pull this out what with Hankerson being out. Hopefully one of the other guys at the WR spot will come through.

Ari @ Cle: The Madden simulation of this game had the Cards winning 149-56. I think RB Johnson is going to break a long one against a Browns run D that almost always falls apart in the 2nd half. Don’t get me started on WR Bowe and his 9 mil. guaranteed contract and his three straight healthy scratches and “redemption time” narrative. Browns fans that want Manziel in are nuts. Why? McCown has made a star (okay, maybe “viable player” is the better term) out of TE Barnidge. What sort of sorcery has gotten these guys to connect for 459 yds. and 5 TD’s? Cleveland gets 3 starters back-CB Haden, FS Gipson and ILB Robertson. It won’t be enough for a win but this will allow them to be more aggressive.

F @ StL: San Fran takes it on the road and most likely on the chin today. The struggling Kaep may be without both Hyde and Boldin today as both are listed as questionable. (much like Kaep’s on-field decisions) Against a top 10 D, that spells more trouble and regression for a guy who doesn’t need either. The Rams are dead last in passing yards per game and Foles is taking some heat for it but I’m not having it. The WR corps consists of Britt, Bailey, Quick, TE Cook, who is inconsistent and Austin. Tavon is talented and just needs to be put into open space with the ball in order to make things happen but that is not happening often enough. I expect with the emergence of Gurley things will sort themselves out somewhat but this group is third rate.

NYG @ NO: Eli should be happy to know that the Saints give up the fifth-most passing yards per game at 275. This stat is actually worse than it seems because the Saints have rarely had a large lead on anyone therefore forcing them to air it out. After losing three straight the Saints have won the last three of four. When they are up they go after the QB hard-13 of their 16 sacks have occurred while they had the lead. The Giants have a measly nine in total. RB Orleans Darkwa of the Giants, a long shot to make the 53 man squad in September is pushing his way into the Giants RBBC.

Min @ Chi: Minny looks to be entering into a multi-year window of competitiveness given what they’ve done in the draft the past two years. Bridgewater, Kendricks, Barr, Diggs, Clemmings and Wayne are young, solid and talented. Also, most of them have no memory of having lost 7 straight at Soldier Field. Here’s this week’s “Stat Dis-Connect of the Week”. The Bears have the 26th ranked rush D yet have only given up 2 TD’s on the ground. Wah? Perhaps AP will close the gap a bit today.

SD @ Dal: Philip “The Loin Master” Rivers just had his eighth kid. Or maybe his wife did. I don’t know. That’s six girls and two boys and increasing pressure on the cervix and the population density of greater San Diego. Speaking of easy to score on, both these D’s like to give it away so we should be in for a bit of a TD/FG bonerama.

Cin @ Pit: “Big Ben Is Back!” yelled the owner of my fantasy team just now. I expect the Two B’s (Bell and Brown) to put it into a higher gear today. Hell, I’m calling it-Bengals get their first loss of the season today. Dalton can’t keep his insane numbers going much longer, can he? The world-weary Bengals fans shout “NO WAY!” in unison. WR Green is getting CB Antwon Blake today because Gay is banged up so Cincy should put up some points. Kudos to the guy who drafted RB Hill right in front of me. Buddy, I owe you one.

Ten @ Hou: This is our third game featuring a one win team playing a two win squad. Whoopee! Say goodbye to Hoyermallet and the lousy run they had and welcome Hoyersavageyates to the party. I’m just kidding, I saw TJ Yates in pre-season and I doubt that the coaches trust him with a clipboard. Foster done tore himself his Achilles and is gone for the year. To those mothers dipping their incipient football-playing sons into the River Styx I can’t stress this enough-DUNK THE WHOLE KID IN, DON’T BE LAZY ABOUT IT! Jeezuz!

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Gratliff

Drew Brees is almost Nick Foles-esque!

Sill Bimmons

The refs in Pittsburgh apparently think that we all came to see them.

Horrible calls going both ways.

ThePirateSloth

I find it really odd that the “local” broadcast for the early games on FOX for Oregon is the Cards/Browns game. Is there some big Browns fandom in Oregon? Are there a number of high profile Oregon players now on the Browns or Cards? I’m seriously curious.

synapticmisfires

Man, I have really enjoyed watching Steve Smith be a one-man receiving corps at age 36.

Awesome athlete. It’s a shame for the road to come to such an abrupt end.

Doktor Zymm

Agreed. Pouring one out.

Gratliff

Dat Giants’ D tho. Has anyone seen it?

John Difool

Coughlinger’s Cat?

Bortleback

Did they all do a Mallet and miss the flight?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Update from Soldier Field: referee is down and hatless. He got jacked.

Bortleback
fleshwound_NPG
Sill Bimmons

RED FLAG RISING IN PITTSBURGH

synapticmisfires

So I went to put in a waiver claim for Deangelo Williams–because what good is a horrible, tragic injury if I can’t capitalize on it?– and he’s still on a team that picked him up after Bell’s return and hasn’t set their lineup in 5 weeks.

Old School Zero

Nooo not Steve Smith Sr!

Gratliff

Yeeep. THat’s an achilles.

Gratliff

Bad day to work for the NFL

Bortleback

Redzone is completely ignoring Titans/Replacement Oilers, so can someone answer the most important question about that game: Did JJ Watt get a sack and pretend to take a selfie again?

WCS

The bloodied, decapitated head of Mettenberger haunts his dreams to this day.

King Hippo

He’s punched his last baby. TOO SOON.

Senor Weaselo

Aw man, he was one baby punch away from retirement.

Bortleback

He’ll have to settle for punching babies while on crutches for a while, by the looks of things

Doktor Zymm

comment image

WCS

DeAngelo Williams is still pretty decent at this thing.

King Hippo

at least I have him on my bench, original owner cut him last week.

synapticmisfires

So since Redzone doesn’t want to tell me, did Keenan Alllen comeback from his injury on that touchdown?

Old School Zero

Chargers did a good.

Doktor Zymm

How many dead?

Old School Zero

Apparently Steve Smith Sr and at least one more Raven.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Senor Weaselo

Giants are starting to pay tribute to Beergh.

fleshwound_NPG

Call of Duty is a “Holiday Game”, just as much as this comment is a “Holiday Comment” since it is posted the day after Halloween.

The Maestro

So I just stepped away from the comments for a little bit, but apparently the Falcons had this little fucker performing at halftime today. WHY THE FUCK COULDN’T YOU HAVE ASKED OUTKAST THEMSELVES INSTEAD OF THIS PETULANT LITTLE SHIT YOU MORONS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSwT1uaMvUY

John Difool

Jesus, somebody should have strangled the new Bieber in it’s crib.

Bortleback

Is there any white dude named Matt that the Falcons aren’t in love with?

Redshirt

Why does my team have to be allergic to success?

WCS

Gingervitis is a very dangerous illness.

Doktor Zymm

It’s a common problem with NFL teams. That’s why you can’t bring in cupcakes for the whole league unless they’re success free.

WCS
Doktor Zymm

Is John Brown dead? Has he even been in?

Senor Weaselo

Oh, would you look at that, the Giants got a turnover.

Doktor Zymm

I keep checking Brees fantasy score on my bench, like poking a bruise to confirm that it still hurts.

litre_cola

I am checking Snead like a scab who I keep picking. Until i benched him for Bush…

Old School Zero

I also have Brees on my bench. We can have our sads together.

fleshwound_NPG

Bungles

bourb0nblues

And there it is.

Senor Weaselo

Well the Saints defense did a good, so this game’s over.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“3rd and manageable” is also something your mom says in a four-way, Joe.

John Difool

Your daughter is part of the rebel alliance and a traitor, take her away !

synapticmisfires

Packaged gravy is worse than the people at a Lyndon Larouche rally.

Doktor Zymm

Just eat yours correctly, then pop half the bird back in the oven to desiccate.

King Hippo

Yup, segregate the bird gravies and the leftovers. Proper stuff on one shelf, shit on the other. Different strokes and all that.

Trust me, I’ve had this battle before.

King Hippo

One certainly can’t say the Giants’ games are boring…

Spur

Eli still has that suger rush from last night

Doktor Zymm

Red Zone will apparently go to Titans/Texans next. This will be the first time they’ve shown this game. We were spot on with our Halloween stories.

Doktor Zymm

It was a 5 second update. Gold.

Bortleback

Receiver obviously on the ground in a lot of pain merits only a comment of “he was shaken up on the play” and a cutaway to another game

WCS
Bortleback

Winston looked like he was trying to do a waltz with the football there

Doktor Zymm

Injuring Winston using only my mind is proving ineffective. I should employ the aid of some thugs and a lead pipe.

Senor Weaselo

Did someone say hired goons?

http://i.imgur.com/3YkOcnF.jpg

Bortleback

It’s called doing a Tonya Harding

John Difool

2 Giants, 1 Cooks

ThePirateSloth

The Bears have a “New” New Age Basketball type tight end! That means he knows how to use his hands to catch a ball!

Spur

Shouldn’t Derrick Rose be resting on his days off?

synapticmisfires

Lacks grit. Too ethnic. Give me Iron Mike any day.

Moonbatting Average

Factory Workers Replaced by Scabs, Production Resumes

Spur

Both drink on the job

ThePirateSloth

I hope there is an outtake of that stupid “let’s throw an egg at our participants” commercial of someone rubbing that smug asshole’s face in the broken egg on the floor.

Old School Zero

At this point, I’m convinced that the Chargers team doctors are either a.) homeopaths, or b.) non-medically-trained posters on internet health forums/mom blogs/health product pyramid schemers.

Bortleback

They got their degrees from hollywood upstairs medical college – the only school teaching you that concussions are made up, and best treated by rubbing some dirt on it

Old School Zero

Definitely Zoidberg.

Moonbatting Average

Do you have a pre-nup?

ThePirateSloth

This is hurtful to even read.

Bortleback

Consider recording her when she says these things so you can prove that she’s a crazy person

King Hippo

My younger two kids like the “canned” gravy. I keep theirs (including leftovers) completely segregated. My gravy is only the broth from the bird (from the browning bag post-cooking), plus a flour/water roux (and a little kosher salt).

Spur

Does Eli get to go to Bourbon Street after the game!

King Hippo

Look at the moves on that rapist!

Bortleback

There are a few playing today, you’ll have to be more specific as to which one you mean

litre_cola

The world giveth and it taketh away. My bag of weed just got blown away in a freak windstorm, then I got a call that a buddy wants to rent out my vacant condo.

Doktor Zymm

I know he’s been around forever, but I didn’t realize Harrison was 37

WCS

Demonstrating the shittiness of Jarvis Jones.

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