Marcus Mariota Takes a Midnight Stroll

[Late at night, Marcus Mariota walks alone through a suburban park just outside of Nashville, Tennessee. He seems to constantly be looking over his shoulder, nervously.]

Marcus: Come on… Where is he?

[The bushes rustle loudly nearby. Marcus freezes.]

???: Quack quack quack! USC: University of Spoiled Children.

Marcus: Quack quack! Stanford is for architects.

[A large figure emerges from the bushes.]

Chip-Kelly-DarkChip: You weren’t followed, were you?

Marcus: No, I made sure of it. It’s so good to see you, Coach.

Chip: Sssh! Don’t call me that. Not yet. No one can learn of the plan.

Marcus: Right. Of course. It’s worked just like you said though! Dazzle them to start the year, get “injured” but keep playing, and then sit while the rest takes care of itself.

Chip: Yes, I heard the news yesterday morning. Excellent work, my young Franchise Quarterback. I’m sorry you have to put up with Mike as your coach in the meantime. How many times has he said “Cut the malarkey!” since then?

Marcus: I stopped counting after ten… But what about you? How will you complete your side of the plan? All I hear from the Eagles is how much they love you.

Chip: Ha! They’re such fools! I’ve ruined this team for years to come! Have you seen the contracts I’ve negotiated? The players I’ve sent packing? What sane person would ever even consider trading for Sam Bradford?! If I hadn’t seen the X-rays myself, I would swear that both he and Ryan Mathews had bones that were made of potato chips…

Marcus: Okay, but I don’t know if one losing season is going to be enough to get you fired.

Chip: Well then I’ll just trade away Riely Cooper and a high pick for DeSean Jackson, or something.

Marcus: [Gasps] Brilliant! The fans will be screaming to use you as filler at that shit-hole, Jim’s.

Chip: Yes, exactly. Now stay vigilant; there is still plenty for you to do. You have to remain the starter ahead of that Mettenberger. I can’t have an RGIII situation going on with the fans when I arrive. Play well enough to stay competitive in games, but you have to finish at or below 5 wins for the position to be open. We can always blame the defense later.

Marcus: Got it.

Chip: Finally, it is all coming into place. Next year, Marcus, the Titans are going to win the BCS Championship!

Marcus: Don’t you mean the Super Bowl…?

Chip: Yeah, sure, whatever.

[Pete Carroll sits up in his bed, screaming.]

Glena: Are you okay, honey? Did you have another 9/11 dream?

Pete: Worse… So, so much worse…

[Banner pic via]


Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
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JerBear50monty this seems strange to meblaxabbathDon TThe Right Reverend Electric Mayhem Recent comment authors
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Lebron goes and recruits all his pals to come play with him and he’s a great figure. A coach does it and suddenly it’s all ‘tampering’ and shit.

Don T

Beautiful. Mariota even appears much more human than in commercials or pressers.


I don’t live in western Oregon so I don’t get the Titans games to see his pressers.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

It…it all makes so much sense…


The code phrases were truly inspired. Excellent work.

I do think there is something to this. I’m not sure how, but it wouldn’t shock me if it did.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No sir. There is absolutely nothing wrong about that image.

monty this seems strange to me

I don’t know, that apron is kind of bugging me.


Granted, it would look much better on my kitchen floor.


Pete Carroll knows that jet fuel does not burn down skyscrapers, but Chip Kelly’s gas burns Eagles to the fucking ground.


This is all becoming more and more plausible.

I was going to suggest it would be really damaging for a rookie qb’s development to fire his head coach after just a few games, but that exact thing happened to Derek Carr and look at him now.

Old School Zero

It’s a good thing they had a code word, since otherwise Mariota wouldn’t have been able to tell Chip apart from the other pale, chubby perverts that masturbate in the park bushes at night.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, from the number of times he’s been sacked, he obviously doesn’t have a safe word.


Grumble grumble the night after the Super Bowl someone was screaming in Pete Carroll’s bedroom but it wasn’t Pete, I’ll tell you that grumble grumble.