Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- Request Line: Joy – August 23, 2019
- Why I Won’t Be Watching The NFL This Year: Your 2019 Homeless Raiders Season Preview – August 21, 2019
- Request Line: Poolside – August 16, 2019
INT. DAYTIME – ROGER GOODELL’S OFFICE
ROGER GOODELL – the NFL commissioner – sits behind a desk shrouded with a dark sheet. ALDON SMITH enters the office.
ROGER: Hi Aldon. Thanks for coming in. As you know, the commissioner’s office has been looking over your appeal to your suspension.
ALDON: I appreciate you taking as second look at things. I admit that I made some mistakes in the past – I’m not denying any of that. But I hope you’ll have found that my conduct moving forward has shown that I’ve made significant changes to my lifestyle, and that I’ve become an entirely different person since I signed with the Raiders.
ROGER: That’s true, Aldon. We’ve all been very impressed with the maturity you’ve shown over these last few months. There was a veritable parade of teammates and coaches coming through this office to talk about how your substance issues are a thing of the past, and testify that you’ve become a model citizen. Marcel Reese went so far as to mention that you’ve started dating his sister, and that he has no qualms about that whatsoever.
ALDON: She’s been a great influence on me. We’ve actually started talking about moving in together.
ROGER: That’s wonderful news. I also understand that the district attorney is likely to drop all of the criminal charges against you.
ALDON: My attorneys have advised me not to talk about the specifics of the case, but I’m very optimistic about how things are going to turn out.
ROGER: Complete support from the coaches, community, and teammates. Criminal charges based on such threadbare evidence that the district attorney isn’t even going to TRY to prove them in court. You’ve made this very difficult for me, Aldon.
ALDON: I’m sorry?
ROGER: You see, Aldon, I’d LIKE to reduce your suspension. I really would. It seems like it would be an appropriate demonstration that the Shield considers all factors, and issues a punishment that based not only on the transgression itself, but also the player’s conduct in the aftermath of an incident. Unfortunately, that’s not how we do things here at the commissioner’s office.
ALDON: It’s not?
ROGER: [laughs] Oh, no, no, no. Goodness, no. We have an entirely different method of determining how your appeal will proceed.
A crowd of strangely clad people crowd into the office, forming a semicircle behind ALDON SMITH. ROGER GOODELL proceeds to yank the sheet from off his desk, revealing…
ROGER: File an appeal, face the wheel!
ALL: File an appeal, face the wheel!
ALDON: Oh God, no!
ROGER: Oh don’t be such a baby, Jason Pierre-Paul filed his “appeal” – you’ll never guess what he landed on! – and he’s already back on the field! Now let’s get to it. Now normally we have supplicants spin the wheel physically, but given the nature of your misdeed…[takes out pocket flask, extends it towards ALDON]…what do you say we do this one the “Irish” way?