Aldon Smith Appeals His Suspension


ROGER GOODELL – the NFL commissioner – sits behind a desk shrouded with a dark sheet. ALDON SMITH enters the office.

ROGER: Hi Aldon. Thanks for coming in. As you know, the commissioner’s office has been looking over your appeal to your suspension.

ALDON: I appreciate you taking as second look at things. I admit that I made some mistakes in the past – I’m not denying any of that. But I hope you’ll have found that my conduct moving forward has shown that I’ve made significant changes to my lifestyle, and that I’ve become an entirely different person since I signed with the Raiders.

ROGER: That’s true, Aldon. We’ve all been very impressed with the maturity you’ve shown over these last few months. There was a veritable parade of teammates and coaches coming through this office to talk about how your substance issues are a thing of the past, and testify that you’ve become a model citizen. Marcel Reese went so far as to mention that you’ve started dating his sister, and that he has no qualms about that whatsoever.

ALDON: She’s been a great influence on me. We’ve actually started talking about moving in together.

ROGER: That’s wonderful news. I also understand that the district attorney is likely to drop all of the criminal charges against you.

ALDON: My attorneys have advised me not to talk about the specifics of the case, but I’m very optimistic about how things are going to turn out.

ROGER: Complete support from the coaches, community, and teammates. Criminal charges based on such threadbare evidence that the district attorney isn’t even going to TRY to prove them in court. You’ve made this very difficult for me, Aldon.

ALDON: I’m sorry?

ROGER: You see, Aldon, I’d LIKE to reduce your suspension. I really would. It seems like it would be an appropriate demonstration that the Shield considers all factors, and issues a punishment that based not only on the transgression itself, but also the player’s conduct in the aftermath of an incident. Unfortunately, that’s not how we do things here at the commissioner’s office.

ALDON: It’s not?

ROGER: [laughs] Oh, no, no, no. Goodness, no. We have an entirely different method of determining how your appeal will proceed.

A crowd of strangely clad people crowd into the office, forming a semicircle behind ALDON SMITH. ROGER GOODELL proceeds to yank the sheet from off his desk, revealing…

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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Don TLow Commander of the Super SoldiersThe Right Reverend Electric MayhemRikki-Tikki-DeadlyDuchess Recent comment authors
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Don T

Dayem. I must’ve missed this. 🏆

Your “Can You Stop Testing My Breaking Point?” Wednesday Evening Open Thread – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[…] .Who knows if this will still earn him a suspension or fine from Commissioner National Disgrace, as he has yet to consult the wheel […]


[…] EHRLICH: Well, as you know the appeal process can be somewhat arbitrary. But we’re presenting some additional evidence to the NFL that we believe shows some […]

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

This obviously plays while the wheel is spinning:

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Death is listening…and will take the first man who refuses to speak with the media at the appointed weekly interview session.


This write up was the bomb!

/gets a 2-week suspension for using the word bomb


Aldon: You forgot one thing, Commissioner.

Roger: What’s that, Aldon?

Aldon: I fill my flask with a funnel!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Hey; you bitches want some ice cream? Here you bitches go.”


Fucked up thing is the NFLPA probably gave the G Hammer this much authority during the last round of negotiations. In return the players probably got….to keep should pads as part of the uniform.


They’re so stupid, they probably fought for the right to NOT wear hip pads and pants pads.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They already lost the right to wear MaxiPads.


The Irish way? So, he wanders off without saying goodbye?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Or punches his cousin right in the face at his sister’s wedding, since that bastard could not keep his hands off of Rosie O’Grady.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Hey! I said goodbye to everyone at the meetup!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh