Thar be some quality college/NBA and hockey games on tonight starring UConn, Duke, the Cavaliers, the Penguins, the Blackhawks and etc. But tonight I’m not here to talk about the sports that I just talked about.

You see, there’s this thing, this cancer that worms its way into the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday dinners. No, it’s not your in-laws. It’s not your family either (in this one circumstance). What is it? GODDAMN CRANBERRIES! It’s a mouth-puckering abomination that need’nt be a part of any self-respecting get-together. Why? Why is this dysfunctional berry a part of any celebration? I’ll bet you’ll say to me, “oh, it’s not that tart”. By the way, thanks for interrupting but, whatever-I’ll indulge you. It’s not tart because a shit-ton of sugar was added to make it 13% more palatable. If it’s that great let me ask you-when was the last time you tucked into a delicious cranberry pie? Oh! Did I hear you say “never”? I’m sure that’s just an “oversight” on your part. I’m sure you’ll correct it quite soon. Cranberries/cranberry sauce is the holiday default equivalent of the parental “Because I told you so!”. You grew up with it and thought it was normal-just like the Bible, acid-washed jeans, Windows 3.0, calling certain people “retarded”, urinary tract infections, the inherent goodness of Bill Cosby and a belief in justice . All those things you’ve since discarded (one sincerely hopes). Move on with your life. There is nothing good about the cranberry.