Once again we are nearing the closing stages of the NFL regular season.  Teams are either playing for playoff seeding, charging like mad to make the playoffs, or merely looking to end a disappointing year.  This post is dedicated to the last group and the weaker members of the second group.

First, the NFC.

NFC East

Technically all four teams in this division have a shot to win the division and secure the 4 seed.  Regrettably, this means they will host a playoff game against a team with superior resume.  It does not necessarily mean they will lose or even that the game will be poor (the 2011 Beast Quake game comes to mind).  However, it does cheapen the playoffs when a team which does not have a winning record has the right to host a game against another team who did much better.

Washington [*Redacted] s

Current Record: 6-7; Point Differential: -26; Road Record: 1-5; Dan Snyder 20th century dictator comparison: Nicolae Ceausescu (because he was a short, incompetent, tyrannical bastard too)

The [*Redacted] s currently have command of the NFC East thanks in part to being able to play competently at home. Dear God are they fucking awful on the road though.

Philadelphia Eagles

Current Record: 6-7; Point Differential: -21; Status of Chip Kelly’s Rube Goldberg Strategy to the season: Phase Alpha-Sierra 15-9er (Picture of Pope John Paul II) Zulu Whiskey Omega 2222

Eagles have been one of the most Jekyll and Hyde teams around.  They beat the Patriots with essentially just defense and special teams, but were also routed by the Bucs and Lions in the two previous games.  They play Washington and the Giants to finish the season.

New York (I am not fucking saying “football”, that is annoying) Giants

Current Record: 6-7, Point Differential: +18, Tom Coughlin’s end of game management rating: Greek government junk bonds.

Giants have blown a bunch of games this year otherwise they should have been running away with this division.  Their offense is geared to explosive plays. JPP lost part of his hand playing with explosives.  Therefore, something, something, something, Superbowl L Champs.

Dallas Cowboys Current Record: 4-9, Point Differential: -75; Will Jerry Jones make a hilarious trade for Johnny Football: Yes, he needs a drinking buddy.

Injuries crushed the Cowboys season, but since they are such a hateable organization I shed no tears for them.

5 seed should level the poor bastard that wins this division.

NFC North

Chicago Bears: Current Record: 5-8; Point Differential -42; Cutler Apathy Level: Standard

Bears started the season poorly, then looked to turn things around, then went back to their sub-par self.  Somehow they beat the Packers in Lambeau, but in true Bears fashion, this rare victory will account for naught.

Detriot Lions: Current Record 4-9; Point Differential: -69 (te-he, te-he), Jim Caldwell Blank Stare Factor: .85

Lions started off trying to pay homage to the 2008 Lions, but they had a stretch were they might turn a shitty season to a merely unremarkable one.  However, the fuckup against the Packers at home probably crushed their high dreams of a 7 win season.

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Current Record: 6-7; Point Differential: -34; Lovie Smith Mad Lib: Lovie Smith (adverb) (Verb) a timeout/challenge.

I am surprised at the record and it looks like the Bucs might be a good team in the future.  Jameis Winston (the Asshole Cam Newton [similar style of play as Cam, but nobody likes him]) is putting up respectable numbers.  An 8-8 season is within the realm of possibility.

Atlanta Falcons: Current Record: 6-7; Point Differential: -34.  Challenge Completed: Start 6-1 but be out of playoff picture by week 14.

A Union General could not have caused Atlanta to collapse more severely than the Falcons did this year.  Again it is truly marvelous how a team starts the season 6-1 and is out of the playoff picture with 4 games left to go.

New Orleans Saints: Current Record: 5-8, Point Differential: -74. Whores not fucked by Rob Ryan this week: 5

Saints have scored 323 points this season, 5th best in the NFC.  The problem is they have given up the most points in the entire league.  (Jags and Browns have given up the next most, but they still trail the Saints by 40).  Sorry Breesus.

NFC West

St. Louis Rams: Current Record: 5-8; point differential: -61; Jeff Fisher 8-8 season or worse ratio:  14/20 (70%)

Jeff Fisher is an exemplary mediocre coach.  He has been a head coach for 20 seasons or so and has amassed a record barely above .500.  He has twice had a 13 win team go one and done to the Ravens in the playoffs.

San Francisco 49ers: Current Record: 4-9; point differential: -127 (worst in the league); Jim Tomsula Bum Fight Record: 19-3, Boxcar Federation Champion.

Jed York blew-up the team in the offseason because Crazy Harbaugh was too much to handle and most of the notable players on the team essentially issued a vote of no confidence and retired.