The Night Ninjas Attacked the Star Wars Nerds

With the tantalizingly imminent release of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens and the knowledge that there are several fellow nerds salivating over the occasion, I figured why not make a completely non-football related post about it? Share a fond Star Wars memory, tell us why you hate it, detail your Ewok fetish. Whatever. Actually keep that Ewok fetish to yourself. Just keep things spoiler free if you’ve seen it or I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND WIPE YOU AND YOURS FROM THIS EARTH.

Okay, mostly I just wanted to tell the following story. My most entertaining Star Wars memory was the night ninjas attacked the line of nerds camping out for Episode II: Attack of the Clones. That is a literal statement. The following story has not been embellished.

I was working as a projectionist at at theater when AotC came out. The theater had allowed fans to camp out for tickets and then a for a spot in line for admission for about 4 days before the movie opened. They had tents set up, card tables with games going; one guy even had a generator and TV. The line wrapped around the side of the building and probably consisted of 150 people. I was as excited as they were and had chatted up the majority of them for the past few days, nice guys and gals. There had been surprisingly few incidents in the days leading up to the premier. There was maybe one case of a guy driving by and shouting “NERDS!” That would all change the last night.

With less than 24 hours to go before the first show, the line was electric. Everyone was abuzz with anticipation. It was around midnight, with people milling about in the line, drinking coffee, playing card games, and telling jokes. A black pickup pulled up past the front of the theater, and the line. Not an unusual thing. The pickup stopped and suddenly three figures jumped up from where they were laying down in the bed. They were fully clothed in black from head to toe, faces masked by ninja hoods. Even their feet were adorned with those split toe shoes that make you look extra cool (I assume that’s their purpose). For weapons they wielded bamboo lathe swords and they brandished them threateningly as they screamed incoherent battle cries from their position. One removed tennis balls from his robe and hurled them in rapid succession at the people in line.

This lasted for approximately 10 seconds, with nothing but shocked awe from the nerds in line staring back at them. All fell to stillness as both sides waited for what was next. Summoning up a lifetime’s worth of wedgie-induced rage, one of the nerds launched a full coffee cup at the ninjas. This was soon followed by a horde of makeshift missiles from the others in line. Realizing they had made a grave mistake in underestimating the nerds, the ninjas dropped back down and yelled for their getaway driver to make a hasty retreat. Empty fast food bags and soda cans continued to rain down on the pickup and it accelerated to make its escape. One nerd, emboldened by the show of solidarity among his brethren, took off after the vehicle on foot. As the pickup slowed to make the turn out of the parking lot, he leaped, grabbing the back of the tailgate. His grip soon faltered and he slipped down to grasp the bumper.

“GO GO GO!” one of the ninjas implored the driver. With a squeal of burning rubber, the pickup shot out of the parking lot onto the street, its nerd stowaway dragging on the pavement in its wake. Mercifully, after 20 or so feet the noble nerd let go and eventually rolled to a stop.

A triumphant cheer erupted from the Star Wars line as many high fives and back pats were exchanged. During this time, a movie had ended inside and a small crowd of people had exited and witnessed the epic battle. One such bystander sucked on his soda and casually mentioned, “Hey, there’s one more over there.” He pointed towards the box office and the several pillars in front of it. On queue, a hesitant ninja head poked out from its hiding spot behind a pillar.

A hundred nerd heads turned in unison in that direction. After a second’s pause, the ninja took off in the opposite direction as fast as his internet certification training could take him. A swarm of nerds quickly took up pursuit. Against all logic, the nerds quickly caught the ninja as he weaved his way in and out of cars in the parking lot. The would-be assassin was tackled to the ground, and as if conjured by magic, a set of handcuffs (?!) one of the nerds had on him was clapped on his wrists. The ninja was searched, revealing an arsenal of tennis balls on his person.

The cops eventually showed up and hauled the stealthy miscreant off to jail. I witnessed the whole thing and sometimes I don’t even believe it happened.