2016’s First EPL and JV Footy Saturday Preview

Did everybody enjoy all the shitty blowouts yesterday? That’s not even counting those of you who encountered “day after” gastrointestinal distress ,, smgdh. Fortunately, this weekend shall never run out of teh footy, and the law of averages says SOME of it eventually has to be watchable…right?

Aresnal opens the new year atop the table, on goal differential ahead of Foxy Footy. Arsenal gets the horrid Barcodes Saturday morning (10:00 EST, NBCSN), whilst Leicester takes on the slightly less shitty Bournemouth at the same time (but on Extra Time). Manure and Swans get the 10:00 USA slot.

If you’re up super early like me, be sure to take a look-see at 8th place West Ham and 7th place Liverpool (7:45, NBCSN), separated by only a point in the standings. I’m really bummed about the Shite’s form as compared to that of my beloved Blues, and this is the type of fixture they simply must lose with regularity for my peace of mind. 9th place Watford and 3rd place City make for a nice NBC afternoon match (12:30) to round out your Saturday slate.

Sunday, NBCSN brings you two very good matchups, fitting appetizers for your MANDATORY all day Week 17 NFL binge viewing. Chelski has played much better without overgrown 5-year old Jose Mourinho in charge, and they face 5th place Crystal Palace at 8:30. Reeling 11th place (feels even lower) Everton takes on a Spurs side (4th in the table, but with the BEST overall goal differential in the Prem) at 11:00 that really, truly has the potential to embarrass them silly and possibly get Roberto Martinez the sack. Which would make me very sad, as I completely bought into his vision for Everton, and I believe the consequences to his departure (goodbye Lukaku, Deulofeu, all notions of being an attacking, progressive club) would be quite dire indeed. But results like Monday against FUCKING STOKE of all teams just aren’t acceptable, and they are happening with too much regularity. I’m afraid the clock is ticking.

Thus I am posting Kruger the Evertonian cat mojo picture again. Let’s hope it works better in 2016!

God help me, it feels like I have PTSD from these shit games, but here are today’s JV exhibitions…

Gator Bowl – Team Bad Touch vs. Georgia (Noon, ESPN)

Fuck you, I remember what this game was called, pre-corporatization. And fuck you, Team Bad Touch, you deserve to be shamed forever. Your program should have been burned to the ground, and the earth salted. I hope Georgia (in spite of their UVA reject QB – psssst, Mark Richt, starting a UVA reject at QB is a good way to get fired, keep that in mind at your new jobby job) beats the everloving monkeyfuck out of those Pennsyltucky Douchebros. Oh, and God help whatever NFL team drafts that Hackenburg stiff as their “franchise” QB. He absolutely, positively, sucks out loud. ALWAYS HAS. So…I guess we’re all looking at you, Factory. Make it so.

Liberty Bowl – Kansas State vs. Arkansas (3:20, ESPN)

Pig Sooey is a fucking weird team. Sometimes they look awful, sometimes they look like a Top 5/10 team. This year, it wasn’t even a straight line calendar thing, they mixed it up just to fuck with everybody. The Fightin’ Undead Bill Snyders are what they are, wave after wave of coached up two star recruits that scratch and claw like they’re on PCP. You definitely know you’ve been in a legit, tackle football game after playing these mofos. Hopefully, the field will be muddy as fuck, and this will be one giant rugby scrum.

Alamo Bowl – TCU vs. Oregon (6:45, ESPN)

They should just rename this the “Boykin hot taek” Bowl ,, smgdh. Yes, I realize I’ve used this device twice in the same post. Fuck you, I’m having to write too goddamned many of these, and I’m just a simple Cow College graduate, FFS. I also want to know why ESPN alloted 3:20 between games 1 and 2, but 3:25 between games 2 and 3. If you didn’t notice that, I’m not sure we can be imaginary friends. Certainly not imaginary besties. This matchup looks really awesome on paper, so it will almost surely be dull as dishwater.

Motel 6 Cactus Bowl – Arizona State vs. West By God Virginia (10:15, ESPN)

It’s fucking awesome that the motel chain to which you’d be embarrased to take your craigslist courtesan is sponsoring a bowl game. Thusly, they are the only sponsor that teh Hippo shall list by name! Congratulations, Tom Bodette, keep leaving the light on so the roaches stay out of sight!! I’m sure WCS will be mighty entertaining for all you fine insomniacs and methheads who stay up late to watch with him. Also note the gap went up ANOTHER 5 minutes, and now they are totally just fucking with me. /shakes fist at moon