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Oak Island is a 140 acre island located off of the south shore of Nova Scotia. For more than 200 years people of all types and backgrounds have searched for treasure supposedly hidden away on the island. To date almost nothing has been found. Still people continue to pursue the fame and fortune that would accompany the discovery of any treasures, which are rumored to include pirate gold, a Roman outpost, Spanish treasures, your mom’s little black book, the Ark of the Covenant and other equally incredible and possibly evil things.
In 2014 the History Channel began airing ‘The Curse of Oak Island’ a documentary-type series focusing on a group of modern treasure hunters led by the brothers Rick and Marty Lagina. The Lagina brothers for real bought most of the island and now spend lots of time and money digging it up.
This year the History Channel, in an apparent effort to distract viewers from their in-unbelievably-poor-taste show ‘Hunting Hitler’, and the NFL, in an apparent effort to distract viewers from, well, name it really, have agreed to have a real NFL coach pop in for each episode to lend their motivational and strategic expertise to find something besides water and mud.
This week it’s Mike Pettine, current, (for now), head coach of the Cleveland Browns.
Hey Rick, you ready to do this? I have to tell you, I’m really excited about this season. With the headway we made last year, and the help of the NFL, I’ve never felt more confident about our chances. We’re going to pull up the Ark of the Covenant. Or at least another Spanish coin like the one, (1), we found in the first season.
Yeah Marty, this should be the season for us. We’ve got two seasons of experience behind us, during which we’ve learned how not to pull metal pipes out of deep holes, that islands have very high water tables, that we definitely know our ass from a hole in the ground and that there’s a lot of metal and old wood in holes on this island. And this NFL connection really has me optimistic; if there’s any organization that knows how to get it right and prides itself on doing just that it’s the NFL. (Rick turns to the camera, gives it a single finger-gun and winks)
Marty: (whispering) Does it hurt when you do that?
Rick: (also whispering) Only my soul. But we need that sweet, sweet NFL cash for more equipment. (Regular voice) So Marty, who does the NFL have lined up for us this week? The dull but skillful Bill Belichek? The crusty but skilled Tom Coughlin? The conspiracy theorist lunatic Pete Carroll? Actually come to think of it I’m surprised that guy hasn’t tried to buy the island from us.
Marty: He did. Right before the Super Bowl. He was going to use the winner’s share as a down-payment but we all know how that worked out. (both turn to the camera and whip out double-barrel finger-guns) Marty (whispers) Oh sweet mother of Christ, right in the dignity. (regular voice) Anyway, I have a sheet from the producers and this week we ha…Oh for Christ’s sake! (Turns off screen) Are you kidding? Is this a joke?
(Indecipherable yelling from off-screen; all that can be heard is “we had to get him now” and “won’t be there next week”)
Marty: OK, OK, whatever. I guess he doesn’t have to worry about the play-offs anyway. I’ll let you be surprised Rick; let’s head out to the dig-site.
A 10 minute ride ensues during which we listen to a voice-over discuss the history of the island and ignore a family of Sasquatch, which are briefly seen picnicking just off the road as the truck speeds by. Rick pulls up to the dig-site, the notorious Money Pit.
Hey guys. Nice to meet you. I’m Mike Pettine, but you can call me Heavy Petti…
Rick: We’re not going to do that.
Marty: Absolutely not.
Mike: Why not? Did those killjoys in the legal department tell you not to?
Rick: Them, Jimmy Haslem, Roger Goodell, our producers, your wife and three of your players.
Mike: I guess maybe I could give that a rest. Just call me Coach then.
Marty: (muttering) At least for another day or two.
Mike: What’s that?
Marty: Nothing Coach. Let’s get started. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself and how you can help us today.
Mike: Glad to fellas. I started out as a successful high school football coach. Had a sweet teaching gig in the suburbs to go with it but, like you, I just knew there was more out there for me if I just took a big risk. So I quit my job, took a 50% pay but and uprooted my family to take a job as a video-scout with the Baltimore Ravens…
Marty: The Ravens?
Together: And your wife didn’t leave you?
Mike: Not that I know of. The hours of an NFL coach are insane and at the low end of the ladder it’s even worse. She could have left and taken the kids and I wouldn’t know anything about it. I might see them for a couple of days after this season ends,before I have to start prepping for the draft. We weren’t all that successful this year but with a good draft I think we can bounce right back.
Rick: (mutters) That’s probably not gonna be your problem.
Rick: I said ‘That’s a good problem to have’. Coach, I’ll be honest, we’ve been at this for two years and all we have to show for it is a Spanish coin from the 1600s and some sonar findings suggesting the presence of a treasure chamber 200′ below us. We keep digging to get to that chamber but water keeps flooding our tunnels. We’re getting a little pessimistic. What can you bring to the table to help us out?
Mike: Have you tried setting the water on fire?
Rick: Howzat again?
Mike: Look, fellas, no one knows more about dealing with one frustrating season of poor production after another than Cleveland and in Cleveland when our water is the problem we set that shit on fire. Doesn’t get rid of the water but it burns off the top layer of scum and really clears the sinuses too!
Marty: Well, even if we were able to set this water on fire, which I doubt because it’s, you know, water, and we were able to burn off some pollutants, we’d still have the problem of all that water in the pit, albeit clean water.
Mike: Well, once the water’s clean I’ve got a guy who can come in and get right in there. Loves the water; we can’t keep him out of it no matter how much we try, beg, cajole, threaten, plead, bargain, implo…
Rick: (smacks the thesaurus out of Pettine’s hands) We get it. Guy’s great in the water. Who is he? We need him here yesterday!
Mike: I thought you might say that so I had him come with me. He’s got his equipment and he’s in the hole right n…
Marty: IN THE HOLE RIGHT NOW!?
Rick: HOLY CHRIST DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS!?
Mike: This guy doesn’t worry about danger. He laughs at death and fears no risk or suspension. He’ll get the job done. Take a look (Hands telescope to Marty)
(Marty leans over the hole as Rick holds his belt. Pettine lights a cigar)
Mike: Nah, you just have to hit the infrared and fiddle with the focus. I learned that when I was a video scout. Here, gimme that.
(Mike hits a couple of buttons, hands it back) Try it now.
Mike: Hang on. (throws his lighter over the side) (lighter hits some mechanical oil on the side of the pit, igniting it and illuminating the pit)
Rick: Isn’t that your starting QB? He’s gonna die down there! Don’t you care ab…Holy shit where’d those sunglasses come from?
Sunglasses Hut at the mall, where else? And you’re goddamn right he’s gonna die down there. Listen I’m no dummy, despite what my record in Cleveland suggests. I know I’m finished at the end of this season; hell I might be out for that Chip Kelly asshole by the time this post runs next week. But Jimmy Haslem assures me I’ll be taken care of if I can take care of his salary cap problems and throwing this little entitled shit down a well is step one for that plan.
Marty: But that’s horrible! You’re murdering him.
Rick: And making us accomplices!
Johnny: (giggling) Could one of you D-Bags toss down some Cuervo? I got a dry swan here!
Mike: Look, no one’s telling you to leave him down there. And trust me he jumped in willingly enough when I told him I thought this was one of Paris Hilton’s favorite skinny-dipping spots. But whether you like it or not you’re in bed with the NFfuckingL right now and we take care of our own. And that means we take care of our own problems and the people who help us take care of those problems. So whether you fish him out or not is up to you; I couldn’t care less. But I can pretty much guarantee that if you fish him out dead, or at least with a couple of torn rotator cuffs, there’ll be enough money flowing onto this island to keep you pumping mud and seawater into your 90’s. I’m out! (Pettine tosses his cigar into the hole and saunters off. An ominous black limo screeches to a halt, he gets in and is whisked away)
Johnny: Hey! Watch it with the cigar assholes!
Rick: (clears his throat)
Marty: (looks at the sky)
Rick: Gonna be a long season.
Marty: Yeah. But not for Manziel. Lunch?
Rick: Sure, being an accessory to murder always makes me hungry.
Editor’s note: Most of the information about Oak Island was shamelessly swiped from here. The stuff about Mike Pettine’s start in football was stolen from somewhere else. I made up pretty much everything else. I’m almost positive the Lagina brothers wouldn’t kill anyone. Please do not sue me.