Well…that kind of blew all the goats in Pakistan, didn’t it?

Turns out the Texans really didn’t belong in the tournament after all. And my God, is Bill O’Brien ever a stupid, stupid man. The game ended less than 10 seconds into the action, before either team even huddled up. For the first time in NFL history, the playoffs kicked off with…a kickoff return TD. Many hilarious turnovers and general ineptitude followed, with only two long Cairo Santos FGs adding to the first half scoring. Yoooooouston had a 1st and goal from the 2, but the aforementioned dumb fuck forgot this wasn’t a JV exhibition (aka bowl game) and ran a ridiculous JJ Watt wildcat play that lost 2 yards. Having lost favorable field position, Hoyer Country now faced a passing down, and chucked one of his FOUR picks on the day. Our beloved Doopy Pantz never got a hance to turn it around, and 30-nil would be the way it ended.

Speaking of JJ Watt, we also got treated to a hilarious dick injury when the overrated media whore whiffed on Tiny Hands in the 3rd quarter. I wouldn’t ordinarily laugh at another man’s penile misfortune, but ya know, the exception that proves the rule and whatnot.

Surely the night game (historically the “showcase” matchup of Wild Card Weekend) would be an improvement, right? Well…not REALLY. I mean, the score never got so out of hand, and noboby was as hilariously dumb and unprepared as O’Brien. But the Bungles and an Alabama QB and cold, heavy (at times) rain were involved, so…DERRRRRRRPPPPPPP.

And then, late in the 3rd…shit just got ugly. Thanks to a really fucking horrible officiating crew that made shit calls all night and had zero control over the game. Gio Bernard got helmet-to-helmet blindsided, no call, and lost the ball when he semi-blacked out. It was NOT called a fumble on the field, but Tomlin very demonstrably and angrily challenged it (taking away a then-seemingly meaningless Cincy FG attempt), while the Stillers defense seemingly egged the furious crowd on. Yeah, it was bad. On the ensuing three and out, The Ben got pile driven into the turf, seemingly aggravating his right shoulder.

A “sorry about that, please don’t murder us” questionable pass interference call set up a Cincy TD, then Marvin Lewis conservatively (as is his nature) kicked a FG on 4th and short with 5 and change left, making it 15-10. Seemed to me that being inside the 20, one should keep the momentum going forward, especially since one would STILL need the ball back and STILL need a TD.

BUT THEN…the Bungles converted a 4th down. And then at 1:50…they got the TD pass to AJ Green and went up 16-15. And then Landry immediately threw a pick. Because he sucks. And then Cincy fumbled on 1st down because why the fuck not? And then shoulder owie The Ben came back for The Last Drive. And he couldn’t throw downfield. Like, at all. And Vontaze Burfict bailed him out with the dumbest bit of headhunting you will ever see. Then Pacman (chuh chuh!) bumped the ref to take it from a 50 to a 35 yard FG and the Yinzers are on their way to Denver, with The Ben and Antonio Brown serious question marks.

We all need a shower after that.