Sweet Sixteen Part Deux (Dead Jeebus Day Edition)

To share a story my mother likes to tell about my weirdo childhood, she asked then 6-ish year old me “Why did Jesus die?” to which I flatly responded “Because He let them put all those nails in Him!” I was born to go to engineering school. Also:

GREAT fucking live show (saw ’em at teh Cat’s Cradle twice). On to the fixtures:

4MW Iowa State vs. 1MW Virginia (7:10, CBS)

I really like the way the Cyclones play, though this is likely the last hurrah for the peak edition (from The Mayor’s recruiting classes). New coach Steve Prohm creeps me the fuck out, and I has no idea how he will successfully bring blue chip talent to the middle of nowhere. So…enjoy the ride. Maybe the last real chance for some non-chalk damage.

7E Wisconsin vs. 6E Notre Dame (7:27, TBS)

There’s not enough oxy in the world to make this one interesting, but if’n you want to bring some over and TRY, PDJ me and I will send you my address!!

11MW Gonzaga vs. 10MW Syracuse (9:40, CBS)

Sorry, Scotchy, but methinks the matchup zone runs into…matchup problems tonight. And Iowa State/Gonzaga Regional Final would be funner than hayellll, too (h/t Early Cuyler). Definitely watching this one start to finish, but keeping my Iowa State red on for IU.

5E Indiana vs. 1E U*NC (9:57, CBS)

It is a strange and fucked up kinda world when I am cheering for fucking Notre Dame AND Indiana on the same fucking night. But…here we are. Note that the staggered times are 10 minutes less so than last night, which is due to Ol’ Roy being a whiny fucking gash who deserves the Karmic assfucking that is hopefully coming his way tonight. Psssst, Ol’ Toy. You know that $7M or so you make a year? You make it because of the goddamned TV money. You don’t get to cash the checks and then bitch about late start times. Stick your fucking old man penis in a blender, get MRSA and die already.

Indiana band for extra mojo:

I <3 me some Katie. BUHLEE DAT!

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Doktor Zymm

What flavor is the white part of a Rocketpop?

Doktor Zymm

Sounds right. I’ll go with it.

Gratliff

Some shittastic defense in TB-NYI game.

Senor Weaselo

But more importantly it’s shit-tastic Islander defense.

Part of me is debating whether it’s a controlled slide to get to the 1st WC because then they don’t have to play the Rangers and (hopefully not because then they’d have beaten said Rangers) Caps in the first two rounds. But no, it’s because Halak is hurt.

Gratliff

What was gearing up to be a heated race between Detroit and Philly for the last wildcard spot has somehow become watching the Isles crater. I’ll take it.

Senor Weaselo

It’s something we can all agree on!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Doktor Zymm

Is this cartoon implying that Trump needs his anal glands emptied? Cause that’s probably too much to ask of any vet tech.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/quietly exits the room

scotchnaut

Cuse down 3-0. The dream is over.

Porky Prime
theeWeeBabySeamus

Duuuudeee….one of my favorite songs in ever.
I might now become drunkenly melancholy, however.
/hides phone to prevent drunk dialings
//won’t be able to find phone tomorrow

Porky Prime

Hey, so now that I’ve tossed some goofy statements around, anyone want to ask me where I spent the morning? In a hospital waiting for my 19-month-old to come out of anesthesia. She’s fine, emergency dental work that required her to be not squirmy. But yeah, I hope more than 30 days have passed the next time I have to sit by a hospital bed listening intently to beeps with any level of trepidation.

2016…fuck thyself.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Glad she’s OK.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll second that.

Doktor Zymm

Only 9 months to go till 2017?

That seriously sucks though. We’re all here to be your imaginary internet buddies whenever you need.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

http://45.media.tumblr.com/19d459babf0913d83ca3c7d1b27bc48b/tumblr_o4axa6y5N71tr6ni8o1_500.gif

“Going off the deep end” would imply I was anywhere near the pool.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Porky Prime

“The Black Terror! Who, disguised as mild-mannered George Zimmerman…”

theeWeeBabySeamus

So I picked West Virginia over Wisconsin in this game.
Wooooo!!!! No possible points!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Is that? It is, isn’t it? Original Mad Max villainny goodness, ftw.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Was driving me crazy…had to google it…
TOECUTTER!!!!!!!

scotchnaut

Wiscy goes blurp.

scotchnaut

That is not a good look, Zack Auguste.

Doktor Zymm

So, at the gym this morning someone brought up Tamagotchis. This prompted me to remember Tamagothis. I’m very pleased to say, the website is still around! Can you give your Tamagothi the right combination of speed, smack, beatings, and a fucked up sleep schedule to make them write mopey poetry?
http://www.studiohunty.com/tamagothi/

Porky Prime

I never had a Tamagotchi but I did have a Sega Dreamcast with a VMU. Kind of like a memory card mixed with a Nintendo Game Watch and you could keep virtual pets from Sonic.

And yet no one knows how Sega lost focus.

Doktor Zymm

The Dreamcast was my first game system. My parents would never buy me one, and it was the first time I had a job while still living at home, and therefore enough money to buy one myself. I actually have 2 right now, in various states of almost working properly. There were a lot of fantastic games, and I also got some weird Japanese imports, the best of which was Cool Cool Toon.
The closest game to Tamagotchi on Dreamcast would have to be Seaman.

http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/0/4231/242418-seaman.jpg

Porky Prime

Toy Commander was my jam.

Doktor Zymm

That was a good one, but I think I didn’t play that one all the way through. There was a huge amount of good content. I played a lot of Crazy Taxi, Shenmue, Skies of Arcadia, I probably played through Jet Set Radio (or Jet Grind Radio, bah) three or four times, and I was damn good at the DC version of Soul Calibur, though not as good as my friend Micah. I WAS dominant at Virtua tennis. If only I could serve as well in real life.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Waah, waah, waah….
We had PONG…..AND WE WERE THANKFUL TO HAVE IT!!!!
You kids, with your 8 bit systems and your Rock n Roll music….GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!

Doktor Zymm

I don’t know how I keep ending up on your lawn….sorry sir!

Porky Prime

The Intellivision was, based on technical specifications, a 16-bit system.

/self-wedgie

scotchnaut

Wasn’t Nigel Hayes the name of the super-reserved butler in The Remains of the Day? If not, shoulda been.

scotchnaut

Go Wiscy, ya cheese-eating, low-scoring goobers!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
SonOfSpam

Sorry about all the glaze.

Porky Prime

Just two glasses please.

/shows self out

Doktor Zymm

SEE HOW EVEN A T-SHIRT STRETCHES?! Off the rack shit just ain’t made for boobs.

Porky Prime

And don’t get me started on moobs.

Doktor Zymm

I have a lesbian friend who claims she can tell when men have had breast reduction surgery based off of something about their nipples. I didn’t ask for details.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Croooow

Iowa: blown out
Iowa State: gets dunked on
Northern Iowa: biggest choke job ever
Way to represent.

Porky Prime

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Unsurprised

So, we’re in Hell.

SonOfSpam

They still have corn. And Joni Ernst. She rips balls off pigs.

Senor Weaselo

That’s what happens when you show mercy.
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Croooow

For me: Since they all play in separate conferences, it’s okay to pull for them in the tournament. I’m not going to buy a t-shirt or anything (also I didn’t go to either school since I was a moron in HS).

Let me put it this way: Would you support a non-ACC North Carolina-based school if they went on a run?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This is their punishment for backing Cruz. If anyone else wins Iowa, they’re the “reasonable” alternative to Trump.

Doktor Zymm

I should watch more commercials in Spanish. I’ll be able to expand my bus Spanish (Toque aqui por abrir puertas) to include phrases about skin problems and breakfast cereal!

ballsofsteelandfury

No me toque ahi, por favor!

SonOfSpam

The least amount of chill ever shown by an iguana.

Senor Weaselo

Nothing going right for Iowa State, including cheerleaders getting kick balls to the face.

Doktor Zymm

So….I know it’s animated, but the part of Archer where Pam is on lots of coke and skinny with huge tits, where did she get such well tailored clothes for an unusual body type on such short notice? I know the shirts aren’t fully buttoned, but the button around the largest portion of the chest is buttoned, and with no gapping. Totally unrealistic.

scotchnaut

Are you high?

Doktor Zymm

Nah, I just notice weird shit and buy most of my clothes online based on sizing charts.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is weird; most of Archer is ultra-realistic.

Doktor Zymm

It’s always the small things that are distracting.

ballsofsteelandfury

You don’t know the right tailor.

Senor Weaselo

I imagine intelligence/espionage companies would have a good tailor on call.

Doktor Zymm

I mean, Woodhouse tailors suits for Archer. He could alter the shirts, I just don’t know if he would, and those types of shirts are usually kinda shitty fabric that don’t alter well.

Doktor Zymm

It’s true….though I did read a bunch of reviews of tailors on Yelp one time. I came to the conclusion that it would probably be easier to improve my sewing skills or buy new clothes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Pam was………….. drawn to the right tailor.

Doktor Zymm

I guess being animated is kind of the equivalent of body paint, but with less nipple texture.

Porky Prime

Pam is a pretty capable farmer’s daughter. She’s probably a mean seamstress on the footpedal Singer.

ballsofsteelandfury

This is true.

Doktor Zymm

That’s a good point. Also, many of the shirts are kinda country/westerny, so it’s possible they’re old shirts of hers she had as a teenager or something. She probably still would have had to alter them then, but that could be a high school project, maybe?

Croooow

The easy layup off the inbound was pathetic.

Croooow

Damn. Shots just aren’t going in. Not looking good.

Senor Weaselo

Evening folks. Not happy about rooting for Gonzaga, my least favorite never-a-member-of-the-Big-East team.

/Johnnies haven’t been the same since Zaga Zaga’d that first time.

ballsofsteelandfury

Someone help me out. Am I missing anything?

Boxers
Boxer briefs
Trunks
Briefs
Jocks
Thongs
Commando

Doktor Zymm

Do cock rings count?

...

“Do these effectively hide my thunder?” is one of the greatest lines ever uttered.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

The official AFL site has odds with a link to a betting site next to the teams on the Match Center page. Haha, degenerate gambling other countries.

ballsofsteelandfury

Reason#852 why the AFL is run better than the NFL!

Doktor Zymm

If that man is a grandfather, there is some serious underage sex going on through two generations.

ballsofsteelandfury

You’ve inspired me to add to my continuing series on male underwear. Next episode: The pros and cons of the different types of underwear.

Doktor Zymm
ballsofsteelandfury

This is awesome. Please tell me you wrote this.

Doktor Zymm

Sadly no, though I’ll be happy to lie and claim credit.

Doktor Zymm

It IS really similar to my handwriting…and I DO own a red pen. I very well could have done something like that while drunk and not specifically remembered….

Doktor Zymm

I’ve recently started crossing my sevens and I derive a large amount of satisfaction from it.

ballsofsteelandfury

Fair warning to all: The first AFL game starts at 7:40 Pacific. I plan to sprinkle in commentary on this thread as opposed to creating a new thread. Once this stupid baseketball thingy is over, we will return to AFL-specific open threads on weekends.

ballsofsteelandfury

It features Melbourne, who I absolutely despise. Get ready for some quality hate.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Doktor Zymm

Oh yay, that’s a reasonable time! I’ll be putting that on as well.

Croooow

I wouldn’t mind if the Bulls fired Hoiberg right now so he can take back the Iowa State job.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nutted.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised

Wanted to share this.
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ballsofsteelandfury

Oh my!

Gratliff

Islanders aren’t making the playoffs.

ballsofsteelandfury

Holy shit!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That was supposed to be the wheels coming off their season, but FAIL.

http://49.media.tumblr.com/4a5b26fc4ff7083184dfe064614589ec/tumblr_o40c3dfz2L1utovumo1_400.gif

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the movie where that comes out of his ass.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s from a spoof where they summon the house ghosts to kill household pests, but maybe your version would be funnier.

ballsofsteelandfury

I have no idea what it was, but I do remember seeing a movie where a guy attacked others by farting. Then again, I could have been drunk/imagining things.

Doktor Zymm

Guys, we only have a little over a month before No Pants Day. We should probably start planning the celebrations now.

http://www.canada.com/reginaleaderpost/news/story.html?id=d0925d4a-0029-4f13-ae3f-3746669158e2&k=33861

ballsofsteelandfury

That is so cute that they assume everyone wears tighty whiteys.

Doktor Zymm

More terms for underwear should rhyme. Also, I really want the term “manties” to become more widespread because society as a whole doing stupid shit amuses me.

ballsofsteelandfury

Aren’t manties another word for thongs for men?

Doktor Zymm

I’m not sure there’s a strict definition. Lots of things could be considered man panties.

ballsofsteelandfury

Also funny that it falls on Cinco De Mayo. I usually already don’t wear pants that day…

Doktor Zymm

Well, we now know that SOMEONE doesn’t sunbathe nude.

Doktor Zymm

There is only one men’s fashion thing I care about. Men should never wear sandals unless they get a pedicure or otherwise take care of their feet. Sandals with socks is dumb, and men’s feet are generally even more hideous than feet in general. No one wants to see that, except for maybe gay Rex Ryan.

ballsofsteelandfury

So, no?

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Doktor Zymm

It’s okay for photos, they’re usually not high enough resolution to see the gross in detail. Also, sand is sort of like glamour blur, it hides the horrible details.

It’s also more of an issue in places where you’re more likely to be looking down, like on the bus.

Gratliff

I’m here mostly for the Islanders’ collapse, as the NCAA tournament has already shamed me

Doktor Zymm

I’m having me some falafel, chicken shawarma, and fries for dinner. Also, Chrome’s spell check doesn’t include the words falafel or shawarma. Thas racist.

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