*A totally original DFO production and not just a rip-off of a feature we all enjoyed from that other site we all met at.

Good morning!  Or afternoon depending on when this thing posts.  As you know, because you undoubtedly filled out Blax’s draft contest sheet (if not, you can still enter here [PHRASING, BOOM!]) and are eagerly anticipating getting a final score on that roughly equivalent to Jamarcus Russell’s Wonderlic score, the NFL draft is this coming Thursday.  And Friday.  And Saturday.  Followed by Sunday Second Guessing.  In preparation for the draft DFO presents this opportunity for you to, if you will, “get to better know a draft pick”, which is something I totally came up with on my own and didn’t rip off from KSK word for word because it still hurts dammit, IT STILL HURTS!!!!

-ahem-

Today we meet Jared Goff!  He’s the rat face up top.  Let’s get to know him shall we?

Physical Attributes:  6’4″ and 215 lbs.  In other words he’s tall and skinny and will be murdered in the NFL.

College Experience:  12,000 yards and 96 TDs, against 30 interceptions at California.  Of course the Golden Bears wnet 14-23 during those seasons and managed one bowl appearance, (but it was a win in the 2015 Armed Forces Bowl, so fuck yeah!), so make of Goff’s performance what you will.

Does He Tweet?: @jaredgoff16.  Unless you like the Sf Giants go ahead and skip this one.

Strengths:  Far more experienced in college than Wentz was, and against better competition.  Considered to have a quality arm, good pocket presence and “looks the part of a confident, first-round quaterback…”

Weaknesses:  He might have a lot more experience than Wentz, and against better competition but let’s be honest, his teams sucked.  He’s taller than me and weighs the same and if an NFL linebacker tackled me I’d snap in half.  Tends to fumble and/or get sacked a lot.  Played in an ‘Air Raid’ system that is not likely to be played in the NFL.  Really, other than an unfamiliarity with the pro game, being underweight and tending to get tackled and fumble more than most there isn’t a hole to be found in his game.

He also may have small hands.  Perhaps he can run for President instead.

Nicest Comparison:  Matt Ryan.  It was unanimous.  So all whichever team that drafts him has to do is also get one of the best three receivers in the game and they’ll be golden!

Meanest Comparison: Mike Krzyzewski.  Go ahead and compare images.  Tell me I’m wrong.

Does He Pass The Blake Bortles Test?: No idea, but if you type “Does Jared Goff Have A Girlfriend” into Google this picture is one of several that come up.  She seems fun.  Apparently Goff is really private about this sort of thing, which obviously means he’s gay and hell bent on destroying America.  Seriously though, this might be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read; a poorly translated bit of speculation about the poor guy’s private life.

Where’s He Going?:  Oh he gonna Ram It! baby!!!!  The St. Louis Rams of Inglewood California By Way Of Benton Arkansas did not sacrifice their future to not draft a replacement for Nick Fucking Foles and/or Case Fucking Keenum.  Seriously, those aren’t even real names are they?  The Rams just fucked St. Louis over good and hard and spent billions, (and by that I mean charged their new community billions), to move to glorious southern California and they’re not going to do that and then not draft the California QB with the great individual and shitty team stats.  Book it; Goff goes #1 to the Rams.