*A totally original DFO production and not just a rip-off of a feature we all enjoyed from that other site we all met at.

Good morning!  Or afternoon depending on when this thing posts.  As you know, because you undoubtedly filled out Blax’s draft contest sheet (if not, you can still enter here [PHRASING, BOOM!]) and are eagerly anticipating getting a final score on that roughly equivalent to Jamarcus Russell’s Wonderlic score, the NFL draft is this coming Thursday.  And Friday.  And Saturday.  Followed by Sunday Second Guessing.  In preparation for the draft DFO presents this opportunity for you to, if you will, “get to better know a draft pick”, which is something I totally came up with on my own and didn’t rip off from KSK word for word because it still hurts dammit, IT STILL HURTS!!!!

-ahem-

Today we meet Laremy Tunsil!  Let’s get to know him shall we?

Physical Attributes:  6’5″ and 310 lbs. He also has 10″ hands.  I have to say, I’ve only done three of these things and between these measurement and Donald Fucking Drumpf I am sick to death of hand size.

College Experience:  Tunsil came into college as a 5 star recruit with offers from every single SEC school.  He started games all three seasons, (shockingly, a really good SEC football player will, in fact, not be getting his degree), although his ability to finish a season healthy raises some questions.  While it’s hard to judge an offensive lineman by the objective statistics we use for defensive linemen, Tunsil was an All-SEC freshman selection and was All-SEC as a sophomore.  While missing half the 2015 season Tunsil shut down defensive end Myles Garrett during an upset win over Texas A&M, (I guess that’s a big deal or it wouldn’t be in his Wikipedia entry), and caught a TD in Ole Miss’s Sugar Bowl victory.

Does He Tweet?: @kingtunsil78.  Seems to mostly retweet things other people write about Laremy Tunsil.

Strengths:  Bench presses 315 34 times.  You can look for the video yourself but he honestly looks like me playing catch with an unloaded bar.  Elite foot quickness, good balance throughout the play, textbook hand usage, including a “boxer’s jab” with his left hand, good length and a whole bunch of other stuff I don’t even remotely understand, but which sound like they’re really important for an offensive lineman.  What it boils down to is that if you’re a team that needs a really good left tackle, Laremy Tunsil happens to be a really, really good left tackle and you should draft him.

Weaknesses:  Only in the NFL would someone 6’5″ and 310 lbs be considered to need more mass, but yet here we are.  Missed seven games in 2015 due to an NCAA suspension and two games in 2014 due to a partially torn biceps.  After coming back for the 2014, (actually 2015 but you know what I mean), Peach Bowl game whereupon his QB fell on his leg, breaking Tunsil’s fibula and/or dislocating his ankle. Missed Ole Miss’s 2013 bowl game with a knee injury.  Basically he’s a giant pussy who gets hurt all the time.  (Please do not kill me Mr. Tunsil).  Some folks say he lacks pure power, which is funny since he throws 315 lbs. around the same way I pick up a six-pack.

Got suspended when his stepfather accused him of accepting improper benefits.  In what I’m sure was a mere coincidence was also charged with domestic abuse by said stepfather after Tunsil apparently stepped in to protect his mother.  Those charges were eventually dismissed.

Reportedly scored 15/50 on the good old Wonderlic.

His timing couldn’t be worse.  Two weeks ago he was the consensus #1 pick.  He’ll still go top 5 but lost some prestige and cash when Philly and St. Louis mortgaged their futures for QB prospects.

Also, if you’re a team in need of a left tackle would you draft a guy whose last name is three letters off of “tuRnsTilE”?  No.  No you would not.

Nicest Comparison:  Tyron Smith.  Walter Jones.  By the way, Tyron Smith was on the offensive line that helped kill Tony Romo last year.

Meanest Comparison: All the guys I’ve seen him compared to seem pretty good.  The only time I see him compared to guys who haven’t exactly panned out as drafted, (Eric Fisher, Matt Kalil), it’s to say he’s better than them.

Does He Pass The Blake Bortles Test?:  No idea.  The internets seem to have no images.  There was a story that Ole Miss recurited him by sending 400 emails to his high school girlfriend.

Where’s He Going?:  OH YEAH!!!  BOLTMAN HAS MADE THE REQUISITE BLOOD SACRIFICES TO ENSURE THAT THE NFL GODS DELIVER US A LEFT TACKLE TO PROTECT OUR SAVIOR AND MVP, (most valuable progenitor), PHILLIP RIVERS!!!!  TUNSIL SHALL BE OURS AND THE DEFENSES OF THE AFC WEST LAID WASTE!!!!