Charlie Whitehurst is one of those lucky fellas who is employed as a backup quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts in the National Football League. That means he gets a pretty nice salary ($2 million per year on his current contract) and doesn’t experience the memory-sapping abuse that starting quarterbacks endure. As a result, he probably has some game with the ladies, especially considering he looks like he does. His current squeeze is none other than Alaska native and indie-but-really-kinda-easy-listening chanteuse Jewel (last name pending). As a football insider and entertainment reporter, I had the unique opportunity to interview the happy couple at their favorite restaurant, Shrimpz in Indianapolis.*

DFO: So how did you two meet?

Jewel: Well, I saw Charlie holding a clipboard and thought how wonderful it was that he still used a clipboard while everyone else used those tablet things. He’s a throwback! Who throws!

DFO: You giggle delightfully for someone on the wrong side of 40. Charlie, since your lady didn’t answer my question, how did you two meet?

Whitehurst: Well, I saw her at an awards show. See, I was outside collecting cans, and she walked up on the red carpet across the street, and I just knew. I knew she was across the street.

Jewel: Oh, Charlie, you’re just so esoteric!

Whitehurst: Yeah, I do like fish.

DFO: You’ve been together for about a year, and Jewel is 41. Any plans for kids, or has that window slammed shut like a bedroom door at the Osbourne household?

Jewel: Well, I never say never, except those two times, but for right now I’m just happy tapping this younger ass and watching my Colts play football!

Whitehurst: Babies are nice, but not when I have to do work because of them. Like when Andrew Luck got hurt. Stupid baby.

DFO: What do you two do for fun?

Jewel: Well, Charlie plays in Indianapolis, so I usually go out of town. Traveling is great when you get to leave Indiana!

Whitehurst: Yeah, her boobs are nice and stuff. I like salmon and fishing for salmon.

DFO: Jewel, you recently divorced rodeo star Ty Murray. Was it difficult for you to start dating another professional athlete?

Jewel: Well, Charlie hardly ever plays, so I can rest easy knowing I’m not really dating an athlete.

Whitehurst: Is “Jackass” still on? I love that show!

DFO: Ok, last question for you two: What do you love most about each other?

Jewel: You know that song from The Killers that goes “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus..?” Well, it’s called “When You Were Young” and I’m not young and Charlie DOES look a thing like Jesus! So take that, Killers, and I’ll see you on tour!

Whitehurst: I like it when my girlfriend is home, and no one really demands a Jewel tour these days. So it’s nice. Plus, her boobs.

DFO (looking at Jewel’s boobs): Thanks, you two.

*Note that nothing in this sentence is even remotely true.