Live On Periscope: Jaqen H’gar Talks AFC South & 2016 Draft

Hardly illuminated video of shadowy, jumpy images. The audio is a bit grainy, but clear.

Jaqen H’gar: *In a deliberate, paused enunciation* Come forth, please.

Door Flies Open: *Shrill overanxious voice* There near the water? Good. Lemme just set this… *Thud* I’M HERE AT THE FAMOUS HOUSE OF BLACK AND WHI—

JH: What brings you to Braavos?

DFO: –TE IN… What? Oh, I’m in town for Lobsterfest, but it starts at 12.

JH: …

DFO: Sorry *shrugs* I should’ve called before I came.

JH: A man caught me playing nurse, but is welcome. And seems inquisitive…

DFO: AM I!

*Distant shushing*

DFO: Jesus Christ, the acoustics are awesome in here.

JH: *squints*

DFO: Yeah OK. *clears throat* As a no-namer, what do you think about how, um, the teams of the AFC South improved after the draft? And please explain your answer by team and pick.

JH: A team with a young quarterback with upside can’t afford this bad a draft.

DFO: That’s, um… So you think *looking up, thinking* Wait. Are you talking about Mariota? Bortles? Or you mean Osweiler. The Texans? You think Osweiler has upside?

JH: A man ignores youth in a battered body.

DFO: OK, Luck, alright. So it’s the Colts, right? Are the Colts screwed? They drafted no receivers.

JH: *Makes paused, solemn wanking motion*

DFO: Right. Well, give me a specific observation then.

JH: A team is wise investing rookie-scale money on defensive linemen.

DFO: Hang on *takes out four folded papers and mechanical pencil, underlines portions* All four teams drafted defensive linemen.

JH: A man needs an eraser to write?

DFO: I like the sound the lead makes when writing. And I hate ink stains, OK?

JH: *Smirks* A man who fears stains should neither fight nor write.

DFO: *To himself* Thanks Sun Tzzzzzzzz

JH: *Glares* If a man knows the players then all answers make the same noise.

DFO: Tch, even if you know how players X, Y, and Z were in college, you can’t say whether they’re a lock or a bust until a couple of years of playing in the NFL.

JH: A team that drafts for need has half the battle won.

DFO: *Sighs* But if you select a prospect at a need position who doesn’t pan out, the time for development is wasted and you still have the same problem.

JH: A man thinks best player available is the best strategy?

DFO: But that’s my point! You can only consider best college player available, because you can’t just quantify a bunch of NFL-type skills. And another thing, Jack—

JH: Ja QEN H’gar is dead. I am no one.

DFO: My, awfully touchy for a dead AND anonymous guy.

JH: …

DFO: Just sayin’.

JH: *Rolls eyes* A team made an excellent first round offensive lineman selection.

DFO: OK *clicking mechanical pencil repeatedly* The Titans drafted Conklin, and the Colts a center. Which? One?

JH: A man lacks faith.

DFO: Great. A Titans Maybe. *Loud thud from the lead of the mechanical pencil falling to the ground*

*Distant shushing*

DFO: Yeah sorry whatever. *Opens remaining buttons from polo shirt* Geez, it’s musty as fuck. Valar dehumidifier?

JH:  *To himself* A man is trite.

DFO: Wait, what? Now listen. Please give me a straight answer. With Malik Jackson, Dante Fowler and the six defensive players they drafted: will the Jags be the most improved defense in 2016?

JH:  Terrible to mediocre is a leap.

DFO: So they’ll only be passable on D? Will the Jags offense be garbage time kings again?

JH: What you call garbage time is fantasy gold.

DFO: *Puts paper and mechanical pencil back in pocket* Listen, they only hand out bibs to the first 300 customers, so I gotta get. But, please, PLEASE, gimme a straight answer: did the Titans draft at least two good starters on defense?

JH: A man lacks tact. Any value in a draftee’s name is speculative.

DFO: For a Captain Obvious, you’re sententious as hell.

JH: All players are equal to the Many Faced God. *Points to wall*

DFO: So that’s it. It’s all the same to you. Wonderful.

JH: For smoke up your butt, perhaps a man should go to The Matrix and see The Oracle.

DFO: Well she lets you smoke, and she gives you cookies. You are a helluva a host. You haven’t even offered me a glass of water since I got here.

JH: A man must save all the water he can. Jets and Bills fans are coming.

Banner image via wunschliste.de and Jon Runyan via trbimg.com.