[1] Lo, and once every summer, Venus and Jupiter and Rigel III shall come into alignment, [2] an obscure and ancient bell shall toll within in NFL Headquarters, and the Watcher of The Seals [3] shall be shuffleth out of his office with an antiquated boombox bigger than he. [D] And he shall ride a dedicated elevator from the hallowed Sublevel 32C up to the penthouse, and he shall be welcomed with a combination of hushed reverence and barely concealed terror. [i] For no man knoweth for whom the boombox tolls. [R] And he shall go forth up unto the Temple, and upon reaching the sanctum infernum, he shall present himself before The Twisted One, Rog’Shamharoth, and he shall execute his duty by pressing “Play”.

https://youtu.be/SvKY8FJY0Qk

[XVI] And the GMs shall tremble, and the fans shall quake, and the walls of mighty fortresses shall fall.

[109] And the word shall go forth, and the Sportswriters shall ask ^“Who shall give account to him that is ready to judge the quick and the suspended?” And the Chief Pharisee shall say, “This was a strong move on the Commissioner’s part in his ongoing effort to ensure that the League remains above reproach. Now bring me forth my sacrificial Lardacchino!” 

[P] And Sheldon Richardson looked up, and behold, he was suspended for one game for driving 143 mph in a Bentley with a 12 year-old passenger. And the Rog said, “It is enough.”

[MMCLI] And Johnny the Fuckface looked up, and behold, he was suspended four games, likely more unless he can buy off his ex-girlfriend. And Johnny said unto the Rog, “But I labor not for the League, nor for any team, brah!” And the Rog laid his hand upon Johnny and said “I giveth no fucks. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out…if you ever come in again…you know.” And Johnny went forth unto the desert to offer strange fire upon the high places, because he misunderstood what both of those meant Biblically.

[420] And the Rog looked down, and he called unto Rolando McClain. And Rolando McClain responded, saying “Here I am! Where the fuck is this?” And the Rog said “Didst thou smoke of the leaf of the forbidden bush, though I have chastised you four games before?” And Rolando said “I was with Demarcus Lawrence, and he gave me the leaf, and I smokethed it.” And the Rog turned his gaze unto Demarcus and said, “What is this you have done?” And Demarcus said, “The irsay deceived me and said ‘This is some primo shit, totally undetectable in a piss test, man!’ and I smoked.” And the Rog looked down upon them, and sentenced them to ten games and four games, and cast them out to finish 4-12 at the bottom of the NFC East.

And behold, the Rog looked down upon his Works, and he saw that it was arbitrary.