When you prefer your Clucks Fustered : NFC East Playoff scenarios

Doktor Zymm

Doktor Zymm

An expert at time travel*, Doktor Zymm also has the ability to move objects with her mind** and can breath underwater***.

*Forward only, at a preset rate
**Via her hands, usually
***When the water is contained in a glass

Doktor Zymm

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We’ve all heard about the possibility of a 6-10 division winner, or the high likelihood of a 3-way tie in the NFC East.  However, with 3 weeks to go, and discounting game ties, there are actually 512 combinations of game wins and losses between the four teams concerned.  Here are some of the lesser talked about scenarios.

  • The league gives the NFC East special dispensation to pick the best players from all four teams to make one decent playoff team
  • The NFC East splits off and forms a new league, the NEL, or National Evil League, where all the owners are required to dress as comic book super villains at the games
  • The NFC East collectively sets their alarm clocks wrong and no one shows up for the Week 17 games.  The division is disqualified and their spot in the playoffs given to the Seahawks.
  • Instead of breaking the tie for the division winner, the league decrees that each quarter of the wild card game be played in a different NFC East stadium.
  • Eli Manning’s inconsistent play is revealed to be the result of a mob led gambling ring where he gets access to exclusive new juice box flavors in exchange for interceptions.  As a result the Giants become the surprise team to move to LA, while the Raiders move to NYC and win the NFC East by default.
  • Despite losing all their remaining games, Jerry Jones bribes the Commish.  Cowboys advance.
  • The turf at Fedex field eats the Bills alive.  Fedex field declared the winner of the NFC East, gets sponsorship from Subway.
  • The Eagles win the division, and win the Super Bowl.  It is revealed that someone released a hallucinogenic cloud over Philadelphia and the entire rest of the country has no idea what they’re talking about.  This occurs in April.
  • When the game schedule is released for next year, the wild card game is inexplicably listed as a Thursday night game in Week 2.
  • The ex-players in the commentating booth play a pre-game scrimmage with the NFC East champion.  They win and become NFC East champions in their place.
Doktor Zymm
Doktor Zymm
An expert at time travel*, Doktor Zymm also has the ability to move objects with her mind** and can breath underwater***. *Forward only, at a preset rate **Via her hands, usually ***When the water is contained in a glass
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litre_colaJerBear50fmwarnerRecovery WhiskeySenor Weaselo Recent comment authors
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WhyEaglesWhy

I can’t wait for my hallucinogenic cloud. As long as we’re tripping balls, can I score the winning touchdown?

JerBear50
JerBear50

Might as well. It’s not like DeMarco’s gonna do it.

litre_cola

I will throw it to you.

Senor Weaselo

The dungeonmaster says “Rocks fall, everyone dies.” The 4th seed is vacant.

litre_cola

I like hallucinogens, I like the Eagles, I want a Super Bowl by any means necessary (see Mike Vick), I would be happy any way I believed it.

entropy

I would watch every single matchup of the NEL.

Senor Weaselo

I feel like they’d be in competition with the ELE though.

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

Remember the good old days when there was only one true shitty division who had a winner at 7-9?

Recovery Whiskey
Recovery Whiskey

Seattle was a 7-9 division winner before it was cool

WhyEaglesWhy

They ARE the closest team to Portland.

monty this seems strange to me

“Man, the NFC East gets ALL the attention.”

– The AFC South

Beerguyrob

“You forgot one important thing, Commissioner.”

“What’s that, Jeff?”

“Chip fills our balls with a funnel.”

comment image

laserguru

“The league gives the NFC East special dispensation to pick the best players from all four teams to make one decent playoff team”

I would like to suggest the New Philly RedBoys.

laserguru

Or the Yorkadelphia Cowskins.

monty this seems strange to me

The Phallas Giantskins?

WhyEaglesWhy

The Washadelphia Giant Cows.

monty this seems strange to me

Mike Munchak would like to know where he can get some of these discounted game ties.

jjfozz

Bisciotti shows the Commish the pictures he has of him fucking a monkey. Ravens are then moved to the NFC East.

Ted Stufowenkoski, who was found eating crabs in a shack on the Eastern Shore, is deemed starting QB. Ravens win all three remaining games, stumble into playoffs.

Ray Lewis joins team, helps them get to the playoffs, and his ankle explodes.

Hobo Ed, lured back to playing with a can of sardines and sterno, helps us get into Super Bowl.

Joe Flacco returns, throws 8 interceptions, and we lose to the Panthers.

ballsofsteelandfury

Eli wants to know why the owners get to have all the fun and dress up as superheroes.

Old School Zero

Scooby and the gang unmask Tom Coughlin, who turns out to be Chip Kelly in disguise!

Then they unmask Jay Gruden, who turns out to also be Chip Kelly in disguise!

Then they unmask Jason Garrett, who turns out to be a blonde Jason Garrett!

And they finally unmask Chip Kelly, who turns out to be a three headed monkey!

blaxabbath

“Broadcasters beating the current players — man, this feels amazing! I have to admit, I’ve never been to the playoffs before though.”

-Trent Green