Mike Tyson is inside a radio studio, alone. His producer is behind the glass.

MIKE TYSON: *looking at the glass* Turn that thermostat up. Damn!

PRODUCER: *mouthing words, gesticulating to his head*

MIKE TYSON: Speak up! What? *grunts, puts earphones on*

PRODUCER: …to 78, Champ. Oh, he’s here.

JJ Watt walks slowly towards the producer, waves to Tyson

PRODUCER: JJ! Put ‘er ther—OH MY GOD YOUR HANDS…

MIKE TYSON: *throws headphones to the floor* STOP SHOUTING MAN! Tell Watt to get his ass in here.

JJ Watt stiffly enters the studio.

JJ WATT: Mister Tyson, it is an honor to meet…

Watt slowly extends right arm, Tyson clasps it and goes toward Watt for a hug, Watt recoils

 JJ WATT: Sorry. I may be coming down with Zika and don’t wanna…

MIKE TYSON: *snorts* You got sultry skin. What do you moisturize with?

JJ WATT: Good, right? It’s not in stores, but the beauty of all BeautiControl prod…

MIKE TYSON: You better start using Ajax on those clammy-ass mitts. I respect pulchritude, but damn! Those hands feel like Jello made out of, of uh… Chrysn… Chryn… Chrysanthemums!

JJ WATT: Huh?

MIKE TYSON:  *pointing to the floor* Hand me my headphones, man.

JJ WATT: Uh… *shuffles slowly towards headphones, nudges them three times toward Tyson with his right foot*

MIKE TYSON: *amused* I heard you get Zika from sex or mosquitoes. You ain’t gonna fuck me, right? *bends down, puts headphones on*

JJ WATT: *moves head toward imaginary camera, smiles* Don’t worry Mike. I don’t *direct gaze* bite.

MIKE TYSON: *abruptly puts the other set of headphones on Watt’s head* Let’s start! *to himself* Corny muhfuckah.

PRODUCER: Now JJ, this will be on five second delay, so don’t worry about being too, quote, Realz.

MIKE TYSON: It’s all about repartee, JJ. Re. Par. Tay. Understand?

JJ WATT: *squints, nods, grimaces*

MIKE TYSON: We also take calls. *Pointing to the glass* Hey, you got them callers?

PRODUCER: Sure Champ. Some are already waiting. Sixty seconds!

MIKE TYSON: *sits on chair, adjusts microphone* Hey guy, relax! Grab a chair and position your mike.

JJ WATT: I’m really, really fine. It’s just that… I’ve been kinda sitting all day. I’ll just stand and *slowly stretching hand towards microphone* Unnnnnhh *grabs mike and pushes it almost vertical, cranes neck* NNhhh Ah…

PRODUCER: You OK JJ?

JJ WATT: A… I… PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO…

PRODUCER: Sounds OK, JJ. Don’t lean in so much. Test your mike, Champ.

MIKE TYSON: *gets up, pulls microphone to face* If you stand, I’ll stand. Ain’t no fucking way you gonna talk down to me. MELLIFLUOUS. GARGANTUAN. STAGGERING.

PRODUCER: Hear ya loud and clear Champ. In three, two, one…

Hip hop beat, Tyson swaying with the rhythm, Watt stands very still

 IT’S THE UNDISPUTED TRUTH SHOW WITH IRON MIKE TYSON. AND HERE IS YOUR HOST, THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP HIMSELF, IRON. MIKE. TYYYYSSSONN.

MIKE TYSON: Wassss…. Up! This is the Undisputed Truth Show with Mike Tyson. I’m Mike Tyson and joining me in the studio is Houston Texans star, JJ Watt.

JJ WATT: It’s an honor and a privilege to be here, Iron Michael.

MIKE TYSON: Psh, *bleep* …formalities man! It’s just Mike now. “Shame is the fruit of my vanities, and remorse, and the clearest knowledge of how the world’s delight is a brief dream”.

VONTAZE BURFICT: *on phone* Oh, Mike. Still quoting Petrarch?

MIKE TYSON: Vontaze! Whadda ya think about my man here JJ Watt?

VONTAZE BURFICT: *Terminator voice* Dang my back.

Tyson and Burfict laugh loudly.

JJ WATT: What the…

VONTAZE BURFICT: I’ll be back on the field before you, Stretch. Tez… OUT.

JJ WATT: Even playing dirty, dude can’t carry my jockstrap. Not even while injured. Did you know that last year I played through tears in my torso, groin…

BEN ROETHLISBERGER: *on phone* My, what a baller. Hear that? That is me making a wanking motion with my free hand.

MIKE TYSON: Oh if it isn’t mister Ben Rothlis… Rothstern… Ben! What are you saying? Are you calling out JJ for fallacious stoicism?

JJ WATT: Who the *bleep* are you to *bleep* talk about…

MIKE TYSON: Yeah Ben. You the king of coy. That “I’m not really that banged up” bull *bleep* to play up heroism is hella hackneyed. ‘Sup with that?

JJ WATT: Yeah! *looks for eye contact* Wad up. Wid. Dat?

BEN ROETHLISBERGER: Oh wait, I’ll put Le’Veon on. Lev! Le’Veon! He was just here. Lev!

MIKE TYSON: Is he missing? Ben? Ben! Call fell through.

JJ WATT: Just like his O-line! Huh? Huh? *moving arm vertically* Up top GAH. Aahhhnnnn…

PEYTON MANNING: *on phone* Hey Mike. Is that a crippled Denzel Washington there in the studio? Because he seems to have Mo’ Bility Blues.

MIKE TYSON: *lingering eye roll* Life treatin’ ya good Peyton?

JJ WATT: I hope you’re not here to offer me some of quote your wife’s quote HGH, Peyton.

PEYTON MANNING: You should try and get some through the back end, JJ.

JJ WATT: You got away just in time to avoid facing me. You must be at peace.

PEYTON MANNING: Watt, I’ll take you on anytime in the spokesperson arena.

JJ WATT: *to the Nationwide theme* ♫Bailed again by my team’s D♫

PEYTON MANNING: Hey 99, you’re more wooden than a Trojan horse.

PRODUCER: *on headphones* WA HAHAHAHAHAHA!

JJ WATT: Are you coming on to me?

PEYTON MANNING: Kidding aside, in 2015 the team carried me, which goes to show that football is the ultimate team sport. You need the eleven guys in all units to perform and contribute. I was lucky to have such a great coaching staff and trainers that allowed my contributions to be just enough to not lose, and rode it to the championship.

MIKE TYSON: *shaking his goddamn head* Any words for JJ, Peyton? .

PEYTON MANNING: Look JJ, you are the best player in your team right now.

JJ WATT: Yes?

PEYTON MANNING: But more important than performance is having the trust of your teammates. They already know you got their back.

JJ WATT: Thank you Peyton. Coming from such a legend and high class former colleague, that means a lot to me.

PEYTON MANNING: Though from what I hear, it seems that you have Stephen Hawking’s back and need a replacement. Zing! Work on your fake humility, JJ. Cherf over and out. *click*

PRODUCER: *on headphones* What a pro.

MIKE TYSON: *looking to the floor, smiles* Well look who’s here! I’ve been looking for you all over. You have pets, JJ?

JJ WATT: I love all animals and persons.

MIKE TYSON: Even those at PFT?

JJ WATT: *glares*

MIKE TYSON: I found this lil’ guy when he was just a week old. I fed ‘im corn and chickpeas, mango if he behaves. I named him Voltaire. You know who Voltaire is?

JJ WATT: *moving head slightly* Mmm mmm.

MIKE TYSON: Didja enjoy Candide?

JJ WATT: I like the sweet and sour stuff, but I try to avoid carbs altogether. Let me see this critter. Here Voltron…

MIKE TYSON: He’s over there, by the…

Watt walks gingerly around the desk

 MIKE TYSON: There ya go! Say hi to JJ.

JJ WATT: *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

MIKE TYSON: When we come back, Josh Gordon will be joining us by phone, Lawrence Taylor will stop by, and we’ll try to get a hold of Le’Veon Bell.

Damaged goods! Talk about a way judgmental term. It’s too loaded; everyone has foibles, some have impediments. (And yet, in every spectrum, Greg Hardy can go to hell.) So, let’s see: extraordinary but mostly unredeemable folks, unstable geniuses, unreliable smooth talkers, prodigies who flamed out prematurely, exhilaration that will change lives for the worse. It may be definitely wrong for you, but makes you feel more alive than anything else. First spin goes to:

Thanks to the Notorious R-T-D for giving me the spot this week. Banner picture via unesco.org; rest from top via celebritiestatooed.com, zimbio.com, and maxim.com.