25 NFL Questions From An Uninformed and Easily Distracted Fan: Week 1

Last weekend, the NFL kicked off with a smattering of games, passes, runs, tackles, hits, gruesome injuries, concussions, and more family fun and plausible deniability for all ages.  As an homage to the overused sports writing trope of “[X number] Burning, Itching, Throbbing Questions for  [X Team/X Sport/X League]”, I present to you a list of questions that I, an uninformed and easily distracted NFL fan, had after Week 1.  For a point of reference, I watched Panthers v. Broncos, Bears v. Texans, about 5 minutes of San Diego v. Kansas City, and went to my  7 year-old son’s flag football game, where they lost by at least three touchdowns.

1. Do you think Mark Davis did a fist-pump at P.F. Chang’s when the Raiders won last Sunday?
2. Or did he high-five a fucking wasted Allen Iverson?
3. Have you guys seen his modified mini-van from the 1990s (yes, that is a picture of his actual van)?
4. Do you think Mark Davis’s van smells like menthols, Aqua-net, and stale beef stew, or is he a non-smoker?
5. Did you know that if you “risk” going for two to win a game, you are statistically more likely to win than if  you play for overtime (Mike McCarthy does not know this)?
6. Wouldn’t it be cool if everyone on the Raiders got their hair cut like Mark Davis to celebrate?
7. Are all football coaches for youth flag football — I’m talking 6 to 8 year-olds — weirdly intense psychopaths?
8. Shouldn’t they teach the kids to, like, I don’t know, throw and catch before installing zone blitz packages and double-reverse half-back passes?
9. At least his coach isn’t Mark Trestman, right?
10. Are the Rams so terrible that the majestic ram pictured above is embarrassed to be associated with them?
11. Do you think the Rams have all been Ramming It too much since the team moved back to L.A.?
12. In the video linked above, “Hurk”, the “Mountain Man from West V-A” claims that someone told him that you can ram it all day and ram it all night, which begs the question, how much ramming it can one do before they die of exhaustion?
13. Speaking of death, what did Keenan Allen do to incur the wrath of BOLTMAN?
14. Speaking of BOLTMAN, does it make you sad that he is just “Gary from Accounting” underneath the mask?
15. This Kaepernick thing is really easy cannon fodder for horrible people that say NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, right, Trent Dilfer?
16. Are you surprised that Kate Upton has the same takes as your kind-of-dumb ex-military friend on this whole controversy?
17. Was I taking a shit in my basement bathroom with the door open while the National Anthem played before the Bears v. Texans game (no disrespect, Marine Todd)?
18. Should I respect Jay Cutler because he hangs tough in the pocket and has had terrible coaching and personnel support in his 8 years in Chicago, or hate him because he has the mechanics of 16 year-old JV quarterback and is married to a dumb, anti-vaxx, Z-list celebrity, one of whose kids will probably be patient zero within the next 10 years?
19. How many draft picks will the Bears ill-advisedly trade for Jimmy Garoppolo at the end of the season?
20. Which would be worse, a 3-hour road trip with Nick Saban or with Bill Belichick (No, you’re not going to the fireworks factory)?
21. The best would probably be Pete Carroll, because you could talk about 9/11 or D.B. Cooper or Bigfoot the whole time, right?
22. Pete Carroll definitely thinks Bigfoot is real, doesn’t he?
23. Isn’t that why he moved to the Pacific Northwest?
24. Did you guys see Beast Mode on the Bear Grylls show where they chase a wild hog off of a cliff, killing it, and then Bear lowers Marshawn down the cliff face on a line so Marshawn can pull up the dead hog, where they then cut off a piece of it to cook for dinner that night?
25. How much Bort could a Blake Bortles Bort if a Blake Bortles could Bort Bort ?