Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 48)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: Future Moose’s future palace bedchamber. It’s pretty opulent. And by “pretty opulent,” I mean it’s yuuuge. Like, seriously big. Think of the house you grew up in, add in your first three apartments, and you’re close. I mean, there’s a tennis court in here. Full-size, mind you. Hard court, because grass would just be silly. There’s also an aquarium with a DO NOT FEED THE SEAL sign. In the corner there is a hot tub, next to an Olympic-size swimming pool. The bed is the size of Mack truck (trailer included), and it’s here that Future Moose resides. He’s just waking up due to the bed bouncing. The bed is bouncing because Future Clone Debbie Harry is having a pillow fight with Future Clone Lynda Carter. Both are wearing short nighties. It’s pretty exploitative, really.

Future Moose (waking up): I just had the weirdest dream… Hey! Good to see you two getting along!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (hitting Future Clone Lynda Carter with a pillow): Tee-hee!

Future Clone Lynda Carter (laughing as feathers explode out of the pillow): Tee-hee!

Future Moose: See, we can all be friends, amirite? There’s no need to start wars and obliterate Guatemala…although, come to think of it, I do think they were a few years behind in their protection paym- …er, tributes.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Tee-hee!

Future Moose (frowning): Yeah, hey…you guys can stop with the pillow fighting now.

Future Clone Lynda Carter: Tee-hee!

Future Moose gets a concerned look. He waves a hand in front of their faces, but neither future clone seems to notice.

Future Moose: Aw, frek…

Cut to: Doktor Zymm’s laboratory in the DFO clubhouse. The body of Future Moose is stretched out, and hooked up to a variety of cables. Doktor Zymm and Sill Bimmons are in the lab, looking at a variety of computer screens.

Doktor Zymm (frowning): Zis ist nicht so gut.

Sill Bimmons: Aye. ‘Twould appear our friend hath nearly departed this mortal coil. Yet…

Doktor Zymm (nodding): Ja. Yet ze Mooze ist nicht mortal. I feel responsible for zis…I drained his fission batteries at Moosemas to bring our friends back from ze past. I did varn him zat ze lithium batteries vould not last if he…overindulged, but…

Sill Bimmons: Nay, good doctor, the fault lies not with thee. Yet if we could but…

Doktor Zymm (peering intently at a computer screen): Zill…kommen und look at zis. Zere is zome activity here.

Sill Bimmons (looking closely at the data): Verily, we did nearly miss this. It doth appear our friend be alive after all, if only barely!

Doktor Zymm (typing away): Ja, he ist running an emergency program to back up his consciousness. It ist a faint signal, but if ve can izolate it…

Sill Bimmons (looking closely at the data): This program…it doth appear to be…

Doktor Zymm (nodding as she types): Ja, it ist an entertainment zubroutine. Zis even looks like my code. Vell, my future code.

Sill Bimmons: Indeed? And what doth the manner of entertainment be?

Doktor Zymm (still typing): Ve should know in einen Moment…

Cut to: The In-N-Out convenience store near the DFO clubhouse. Ballsofsteelandfury and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van are paying for the armloads of food that prospects Cookiethulhu and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers are carrying. Iguana Clerk is sitting on the counter with an open copy of Reptiles Magazine nearby.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Man, I hope Moose is gonna be OK.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Me too, man! But, like, Zymm can totally fix anything. I mean, remember that time she repaired the coffee maker?

Flashback to: The DFO clubhouse, some time ago. Brocky walks up to the coffee maker, which is large and chromed, with a variety of flashing lights and a built-in speaker.

Coffee Maker: How can I serve you?

Brocky: Whoa! You talk?

Coffee Maker: Affirmative. How can I serve you?

Brocky: Umm…coffee, I guess…?

Coffee Maker: Would you like a cappuccino, espresso, Kopi Luwak…

Brocky: Monkey-butt coffee? Ew, no, thanks. Look, I just want a coffee, okay? Black, one sugar…

Coffee Maker: Specify origin of country.

Brocky: What?

Coffee Maker: Balinese coffee, Brazilian coffee, Colombian coffee, Costa Rican coffee…

Brocky (exasperated): Look, just coffee! I don’t care what kind, as long as it’s hot!

The Coffee Maker’s lights begin flashing.

Coffee Maker: Illogical! Your resistance does not compute!

Brocky (backing away): O-kayyy…look, I’m just gonna skip the coffee. I don’t need the caffeine anyway…

There’s a whirring sound and the Coffee Maker lifts up into the air.

Coffee Maker (lights flashing menacingly): Illogical! Sterilize! Sterilize!

Brocky (breaking into a run): Crap!

Coffee Maker (flying after Brocky and shooting a laser at him): Sterilize!

Cut to: The present day again. Ballsofsteeland fury and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van are looking at each other. Both look a bit worried.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Actually…that didn’t really go so well.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh, man! What if Moose gets all wiggy like that coffee maker, man?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Well, that ended with JJ Fozz smashing the coffee maker with a baseball bat…hey, why did Fozz have that bat, anyway?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: He’d just gone to, like, a parent-teacher conference, man. He always likes to go to those things prepared.

Ballsofsteelandfury (to Low Commander): You guys grabbed everything? I want to head back.

Low Commander (holding an armful of boxes and bags): Well, we got all the SPONCH!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Cool, man. It’s a good thing I don’t have, like, an addictive personality, man, or I’d be eating that stuff every day.

Cookiethulhu: Your restraint is admirable, old bean.

Ballsofsteelandfury (to Iguana Clerk): Put all this stuff on the club tab, okay?

Iguana Clerk: Thbppt.

Ballsofsteelandfury shoots Iguana Clerk a single finger gun, and the four leave. Unseen by them is Man in Plaid #1, who has been lurking in the shadows.He watches as they go into the clubhouse and steps out into the open.

Man in Plaid #1: So, it appears my hypothesis was correct. Cookiethulhu is in this dimension once again. Well, we can not have that…

Man in Plaid #1 pulls a fancy piece of futuristic-looking equipment out of his plaid jacket.

Man in Plaid #1 (speaking into the device): Central Facility, please respond. Central Facility…

Man in Plaid #1 receives only static in response.

Man in Plaid #1 (walking out further into the street): Curse this century and its primitive cellular communications systems. They never fail to interfere with my transmissions.

Man in Plaid #1 walks into the middle of the street, still trying to use his communicator.

Man in Plaid #1: Central Facility, please respond. I have visual confirmation of an unlicensed inter-dimensional entity. Please res-

Suddenly a green glow appears, bathing Man in Plaid #1 in emerald light.

Man in Plaid #1 (surprised): This is highly unusual…

A split-second later Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van appears.

HRTN Van02

Man in Plaid #1 has no time to react before it runs him over, leaving his crumpled form in a pile on the street. The van skids to a stop, tires screeching and smoking. The driver’s door opens and Future Clone Debbie Harry gets out.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Excellent! We have returned to the 21st century. Now…now, I will have my vengeance!

PK (getting out of the passenger’s side): Hey, that sounds great. First, though, could we maybe grab a cuppa joe?

Future Clone Debbie Harry (sighing): Do you mind? I’m trying to have a moment here.

PK: Sorry. It’s just that my blood-sugar gets low.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (exasperated): I know! You’ve told me that repeatedly.

PK: Hey! Maybe we could go out for waffles! There’s a place here that serves a three-footer!

Future Clone Debbie Harry: That…actually sounds pretty good. All right, first waffles, then vengeance.

PK (getting back into the van): Can we get whip cream?

Future Clone Debbie Harry (getting in the driver’s seat): Of course we can get whip cream. Do I look like a barbarian to you?

The van drives off, leaving the crumpled form of Man in Plaid #1 behind. His communicator lies nearby. It emits a crackling sound and a voice comes through the speaker.

Voice from the Communicator: Operative? This is Central Facility. Operative? Please respond…

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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BrockyballsofsteelandfuryMoose -The End Is Well NighBeastmode Ate My BabySenor Weaselo Recent comment authors
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Brocky

So glad I decided to go back a few weeks on these.

Brocky (breaking into a run): Crap!

Coffee Maker (flying after Brocky and shooting a laser at him): Sterilize!

And I’d like to remind everyone, this is why I recommended we just get a k-cup maker. Yeah, they’re not environmentally friendly, but dammnit thet don’t attack people, yet anywaus.
Also , while I honestly wouldn’t completely objective to sterilization, the coffee makers qualifications are definitely suspect.

ballsofsteelandfury

I really like where this story is going…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is fucking great.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

Except with future you potentially dying and all. Sorry to here about that.

Senor Weaselo

Wow, Senor. Hear, not here. Go hang your head in shame.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Here, hear!!

P.S. it’s only the hard drive locked up since I have 57 tabs open with my browser. Also since there are that many open I CAN’T SEE WHICH (WITCH) SITE HAS FUCKING AUTOPLAY; IT’S GODDAMN ABBA, I MAY NEVER GET THAT SONG OFF THE FUCKING HARD DRIVE.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Side note: while in an electronic coma Future Moose Dream Sequences (TM) can be used as a plot device and a means of working around writer’s block since they can be random and in the style of stream of …….. unconscienceness…..

http://worldofwonder.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Good-Tits.gif

Doktor Zymm
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Curse you, wretched woman!

SonOfSpam

I didn’t realize Sexy Friday already started.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Man I’d hate to see what the Men In Plaid look like during their Color Rush week.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Skyline chili diarrhea

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh