We got ourselves a presidential debate tonight! In teeny tiny little Hofstra University, a liberal arts college on Long Island, we have some of the greatest minds of our generation Donald Trump and Hillary Rodham Clinton duking it out tonight for millions of Americans to watch and converse lively about, but mostly to laugh at both and to drink until they fall asleep. In all seriousness though, folks, if you haven’t made up your mind yet on who you’re going to be voting for, you’re probably a fucking moron. Just whatever you do, please don’t vote for the sociopathic cheeto casing with a hairtrigger temper and his finger ready and waiting for the LAUNCH NUKES button from the discount bin at Staples. However, if I have to tell you this at this point in the campaign, it’s probably too far gone for you.

For those of us who want to see brain cells destroyed in a more civilized manner, we got ourselves a good ol’ southern rivalry tonight!

Atlanta (1-1) vs. New Orleans (0-2), 8:30 PM EST: GOOD’ OL ESS-EE-CEE MATCHUP WITH THE GEORGIA DAWGS HEADIN’ ON DOWN TO DEATH VALLEY TO TAKE ON THE… wait, shit, sorry, this is the NFL, which is to say that the guys playing tonight are only making a slight bit more money than their student-athlete counterparts here. We got a dogshit defence for the Saints, which got owned by the Raiders going for two in Week 1, and Drew Brees is also missing Willie Snead, out with a toe injury, which means he’ll have to lean on Brandin Cooks a lot more. For the Falcons, things aren’t that much brighter, with the D conceding around about 450 yards a game through two, though Julio Jones is healthy and ready to go despite some ongoing ankle issues, so that’ll help in a big manner against a terrible pass defence, if Matt Ryan can stop throwing fucking picks.

Expect all the points. Expect all the lies (from a certain candidate at the debate). Expect all the drinking. Expect the usual crushing disappointment in almost all aspects of our society, as per usual. LET’S GET TO IT.