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Your “OMG! No JJ?! How Will The NFL Survive?!” Wednesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguy Rob

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, ,

Answer: On fresh meat. It survived losing Tebow, and he was God’s Chosen Representative on this earth.

NFL News:

“Dude – then she’s doing it wrong!”
  • It might be time to talk about JJ Watt not being around for much longer. He’s been placed on IR, which means at least out for 8-games.
    • Nice to see Bill O’Brien facing his probable firing like a man.
    • Watt put this out for the world to see, because he wants the world to know his pain. THIS IS WHAT TWITTER IS FOR, ZACH METTENBERGER!

  • Dez Bryant haz a hairline fracture in his knee. It’s described as “day to day”, although for the money he usually pays, JERRAL expects knees to hold up until he’s finished.
  • Proving jet fuel can’t melt knee braces, Pete Carroll says Russell Wilson should be good to go for Sunday against the Jets.
  • Putting the “NO FUN” in the NFL, the rumours are true that Antonio Brown was told to change his custom cleats by the refs before the start of the second half in Philly last Sunday. The shoes had his kids’ pictures on them, but he changed them so he’d be able to continue playing. He caught 12 for 140 yards, so he wasn’t a problem for anyone except the fashion police.

According to league rules, wearing “foreign substances on body/uniform” earns a $9,115 fine for a first offense and $18,231 for a second offense. Or the league could categorize the fines under “personal messages,” which results in a $6,076 fine for first-time offenses and $12,154 for a second.

https://twitter.com/Katie_Johnson_/status/781165247918960640

 

Finally, proving it’s never too early to have the important discussions, SB*Nation seems to be the first site willing to speculate on whether the Browns might go 0-16. They seemed afraid to double down on the use of sixteen quarterbacks as well. GO BIG OR GO HOME!

 

It’s a couple of days old, but Patton Oswalt talking about the passing of his wife is comedy gold only he could spin.

Man, I’d still be wrecked 4 months after my wife passed.

In addition, being married into an eastern European family proved to me there are some people who let no one feel joy, like the Polish lady he mentions. I know not everyone likes his stuff, but the bit about trying to shield his daughter is (to me) timeless.

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB Baseball:
    • Indians at Tigers – 7:00 PM | ESPN/TSN
    • Orioles at Blue Jays – 7:00 PM | Sportsnet
    • Rockies at Giants – 10:00 PM | ESPN/TSN
  • MLS Soccer: Toronto FC vs. Orlando City SC – 7:30 PM | FS1/TSN3
  • WNBA Playoff: Game 1:
    • Phoenix at Minnesota – 8:00 PM | ESPN2
    • Chicago at Los Angeles – 10:00 PM | ESPN2
  • NHL preseason: Oilers at Canucks – 10:00 | Sportsnet West/Pacific

Bad gambler & frequent victim of Kane, Pete Rose has appealed to the National Baseball Hall of Fame for eligibility reconsideration. NOT BEFORE SHOELESS JOE!

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Senor Weaselo

For the record yesterday, it’s not teh opiates or teh percs that they gave me, it was oxycodone! Took one before bed yesterday, meh. Only take it then because I have an ibuprofen limit.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Percs are oxycodone. And also opiates.

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Don T

Where do Eagles fans currently rank “Week 4 bye” in tjeir list of 2016 Catastrophes?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Didn’t know you were Norwegian.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

My face is still very ouchie from getting some teeth ripped out. I think I’m gonna down some pain pills, and a rum laced milkshake. Who wants one?
(to be clear, I’m talking ’bout a milkshake…you’s ain’t getting mah opiates)

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Senor Weaselo

You too? Wisdom teeth buddies woo!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A wise Eskimo once said……

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Mine aren’t wisdoms. They’re ones that got damaged from an over the handlebars mishap on the bike a few years ago. As well as a few others that I neglected. You’d think damaged teeth/roots would come out easier, but no. They don’t.

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Senor Weaselo

Oh. Well that sucks more.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, I got pain pills. And this time next week I’ll have some temp new toofers and be able to smile again without embarrassment. It’s all good.

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Unsurprised

It’s still a miserable disappointment, but my youth fucking sucked and I don’t even have any good stories because I managed to be miserable and alone in part to desperately avoid being fucked for life if I got in trouble because of sex, drugs, drinking, crime and mischief, and basically sports unlike everyone else at the schools I went to. And because I didn’t even have the wherewithal to acknowledge it consciously I managed to do it all while half-assing my way through everything in life and pissing away the opportunities that did come my way. I really am a horrible person.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Alright, just stop that. That kinda talk is self-defeating. Trust me.
Even if all those things are true, just fucking forgive yourself and be the you that you want to be going forward. You seem like a pretty good dude to me. So don’t make me hurt you.

I have enough people in my life talking themselves down. I don’t need another one.

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Doktor Zymm

That’s pretty common. Don’t worry about it. Make up some stories, revel in the now, or don’t, it’s all good. We like you here, and imaginary internet people are the BEST PEOPLE.

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Don T

I’ve found regret to be the most perfect engine for suffering. Thinking that time moves only forward, and that you can only act in the present, makes my mind clearer.
Dunno if that helps you, but I wish you a better day tomorrow.

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Doktor Zymm

They were way better at rhyming in the 20’s. Liable and Bible? GENIUS!

(Fun fact, most of the words without close rhymes are colors, everyone knows orange, but also try rhyming silver and purple!)

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Milver and sturple, smartass.
Oh wait, you probably wanted real words huh? Dammit.

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Doktor Zymm

Claudia would never wear horizontal stripes…if I remember the series correctly

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Doktor Zymm

Shit, I take it back, other than the bottom text, that’s the original cover. The title was “Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls”

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herodotus450

Jill-Claudia also never had the freakish strength to hold that ogre thing with one arm

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I liked The Bridge…… apparently no one else did.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I liked it, but lost track quickly because of real world distractions at the time. I do want to get back to it at some point.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Josh Norman is on my TV right now dressed like a 70s mafia hit man. Other than the whole being black thing, at least.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

And he doesn’t look happy. I can’t hear what he’s saying, bcuz mute and music, as per usual while I watch sports. I think it’s recorded, but not sure. But even though he doesn’t look happy, he does look very dapper and possibly deadly.

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Don T

Oh, J.J. Watt. I hope you share your determination with the world during rehab. And if you quit, I’ll get you a setvice crab.
http://a5.files.maxim.com/image/upload/c_fit,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,q_80,w_620/MTM2NTc1NzAwNzQ3NDI5NDcx.jpg

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Unsurprised

Keep it away from Jameis Winston

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Q: The crab or the knife?
A: Yes.

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Unsurprised

He can only rape the cra…

I take that back.

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Doktor Zymm

I should have been in a choir at some point. I don’t know nearly enough obscene drinking songs. I tried to learn some at one point, but I think they’ve mostly been lost to posterity. I blame tvs in bars on non-sports nights. It’s not as fun without company anyway, and how likely are you to find yourself in company that knows drinking songs? I pride myself on knowing the actual text to There once was a gal from Nantucket, as well as knowing one actual English drinking song with really simple, non-dirty lyrics. I think that’s pretty good for this day and age. Harrumph!

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Doktor Zymm

Man from Nantucket, rather. The rest doesn’t make much sense with a gal, unless it’s a particular sort of gal.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

That reminds me of a lovely poem. How did that one go again?

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Unsurprised

To be honest, it’s not like anyone has done much good with a computer since the fucking things became commonplace.

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herodotus450

Theirs only one obscene drinking song that mattrs and your not alowed to kneel during it smhn

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Unsurprised

Slave murder and giant explosions.

It really is the perfect anthem for the U.S.

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Doktor Zymm

Oh look! Someone photoshopped my youth! Also, I really hope that price tag is for 20 cents, cause no way in hell those books are a collectors item. So glad I moved on to Agatha Christie in 4th grade…knowing loads of ways to kill someone with arsenic is way more classy

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I thought you’d never ask, you magnificent bastard.

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Doktor Zymm

Fun fact! Some guy from Florida pulled his gun on a valet in Chicago this weekend, said “do we got a problem here?” Pulled away without paying, and wasn’t prosecuted because he had a valid concealed carry permit. Yeesh, that’s even worse than not tipping.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Da fuq, Illinois? CCW or no, that’s at least assault, if not terroristic threat.
As a left leaning firearms owner, that really pisses me the hell off.

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Doktor Zymm

YUP.

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herodotus450

They just didn’t want to extradite him, he’d probably bring a whole platoon of meth-addicted, parole violating crocodiles with him; a net win for Chi-tilly.

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Senor Weaselo

That’s armed not tipping! It’s like armed robbery but the robbing was optional!

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WCS

So, George Zimmerman visited Chicago last week?

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Doktor Zymm

He’s had some surgery, but yeah, basically.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yo
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Senor Weaselo

Huzzah, Sawx don’t celebrate on the field, only in the clubhouse!

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Hopefully they have “Sweet Caroline” on repeat on the clubhouse boombox. I’d hate for the smug to wear off before the ALDS.
😉

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Doktor Zymm

Truffle gouda is DELIGHTFUL.

Also, I assume that JJ Watt is really on IR because he bled from a small cut for a week, didn’t die, and is now afraid that he’s a woman.

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Blaxabbath

I wouldn’t trust him!

/Prime Rib
//Waitress:Tip
///All Week

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Good job DirecTV, signal comes back just in time to miss the 9th inning comeback win.
Oh well, I guess missing a win is better than watching a loss.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The chicken church is located in the middle of the Indonesian jungle. The abandoned building has 12 underground chambers.

http://66.media.tumblr.com/4ce68d207a04d0439d798132c4035f5b/tumblr_o1vexgO5iL1tlljfxo1_1280.jpg

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Doktor Zymm

I wrote a really excellent mock proposal to the IMF about Indonesia in high school one time, and ever since I’ve been invested in them as a country. Really need to get out there once I figure out how to beat this whole ’employment’ scam and can really spend some time.

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Blaxabbath

Hey all excellent work on the quotables today. Just got to the comments over there and I LITERALLY LdOL.

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Lothar of the Hill People

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should be animated

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herodotus450

Peak pftc today:
we call him Trevor Sybian becuz this bucking bronco got rode hard& put away wet on Sunday folks

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Doktor Zymm

Fun fact, the Sybian is only the most recent incarnation of the word. The word sybarite (adj sybaritic) comes through Latin from the Greek city of Sybaris, which was noted for it’s luxury. The word sybarite means one who seeks pleasure, so whoever named that thing was classically educated.

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Senor Weaselo

To turn it around, what was the BEST year of your schooling? I feel like I’m cheating saying senior year of college, but I put on a hell of a senior recital including a full orchestration of my piece, my technique actually felt decent, and it wasn’t until the very end of the year/beginning of the summer where I realized my depression. I could also say the second year of my Master’s with that landmark not-Valentine’s concert and my first date in six years, among others, but that seems like cheating.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Junior yr to HS and Jr yr of grad school would be a tie for me.

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Lothar of the Hill People

Oh, for fuck’s sake. I typed up a nice little comment and it got eaten by the monster.

I can’t replicate it. Fuck.

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JustStopDude

26 year old, freshmen in college, living the dorms. Going from a 130 person berthing with 5 toilets, 6 showers, and eight sinks to just 4 people with a bath was a huge upgrade.

Easy as shit to get the roommates in line. Discovered the second week there that the campus had a bar so $1 drafts and they weren’t shit beer (heavy seas).

Competing with teenagers who are still discovering masturbation for the ladies was easy as shit. The fact that I could form a written sentence that didn’t look like crackhead’s twitter feed meant that I excelled in the early courses.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I CONSIDER THIS A MEDIUM SIZED BONER.

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Lothar of the Hill People

She’s 5’7″, I’d say that’s medium-sized

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Lothar of the Hill People

I love this tweet:

Two things Trump demanded credit for this week:

-Not attacking opponent over husband’s infidelity

-Letting minorities into his golf club

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herodotus450

Well, somebody’s gotta cut the grass.

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Unsurprised

comment image

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Unsurprised

Fucking Time Capsule is worthless and I’m pretty sure I have no backups anymore, which is fucking swell.

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scotchnaut

/watching El Dorado (1967)

My biggest takeaway? John Wayne had a very small bum.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Since replacing my harddisk a few weeks ago, everything else on my desktop is now trying to die. Tonight I finally said fuck it and ordered a new desktop machine. Should be here in a week. I’m excited.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, DirecTV still can’t outsmart rain.
*sigh*

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Senor Weaselo

Can it outsmart bullet?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J93qm6XCT4Y

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scotchnaut

I can see your hard-on from way over here.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Did you get that thing I sent ya?
😉

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scotchnaut

No…thank gawd.

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blackroseMD1

Found this via Deadspin and laughed out loud.

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scotchnaut

/following up on Sill’s lead

Your last year of high school-Did it suck? Did it rock? Did you somewhat figure things out? DID YOU HAVE A CLUE?

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Lothar of the Hill People

My senior year of high school was great. One of the best years of my life, despite the damage I did to my body playing football and pole vaulting.

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Senor Weaselo

It was okay, I guess. I was still an outsider per se but I had found my niche and my friends and unlike everyone else I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up and I didn’t have the same “college process” as everyone else as a result of that. Went stag to prom, but that’s a collection of hilarious stories for another time. No seriously, it’s a two-parter.

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Unsurprised

It sucked because I made it suck. It’s not worth getting into, but I’m a miserable and lonely asshole and that was probably my acme.

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Lothar of the Hill People

Your acne made you miserable a lonely? I hear ya.

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JustStopDude

I was trying to get clean enough to convince my parents to let me move back in, while trying to graduate, so I could get the diploma and flee to the military to start over.

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Unsurprised

Yes, fashion designers have specific visions in mind and there have been consistent trends for the last forty years to focus the shape and draping of clothes to emphasis a human figure that is more akin to the shape of the typical grey aliens than to the modern or history shape of actual human beings.

That said, the general motif of fashion is and remains on making the wearers look as good as possible, and that includes emphasizing the wearer’s body shape and form because otherwise we’d all just wear baggy Adidas track suits like we’re all Russian mobsters. So that goes against the whole idea of modesty and that bullshit because the idea and the people who believe in it are fundamentally afraid of their bodies, other peoples’ bodies, and of being goddamn human beings.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So I take it you don’t buy into teaching available in your FREE Watchtower magazine? GTFO!

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herodotus450

Apropos of no previous posts below:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmpwGOCzk84

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herodotus450

\” quotation /” marks

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herodotus450

” to start or end a comment? “

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JustStopDude

-I’m going to just use the same styling as Irvine Welsh did when writing the book trainspotting, said JSD. It takes a little bit to get used to it because instead of quotation makes, only a hyphen is used at the state of a block of dialogue, mutter JSD while sipping windex. He had hoped he would be seen as smart and learned, but in reality, it was a failed endeavor. And tonight my fellow commentariate, he boasted, I look forward to masturbating vigorously to home shopping network ladies!

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Gratliff

Tried to make a joke about regular expressions and it ate my post. Seems fair.

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JustStopDude

Advice and validation are NOT the same thing.

And I am sick of being seen as an asshole for having to point this out to fucking stupid people.

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scotchnaut

“Heyyyyyy…I’m a stupid fucking people.”

-Trump Supporters

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Unsurprised

It’s easy to sell being an Amazon when she keeps getting cast against tiny actors.
http://115.imagebam.com/download/6Hv9fALBSET9_E1TCsZAkw/50688/506875759/Gal02.gif

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Another gif that started fanfic in me noggin.

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Unsurprised

I assume the phrase (climbs her like a tree) appears

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WELL NOW IT DOES!

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Sill Bimmons

Was middle school the worst years of your life?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No; early experimentation with cigs, pot, booze, chew, and constant masturbation, the adolescent stress was less than work stress now because I was big.

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JustStopDude

What grade are you suppose to be in at 14?

That’s when I started doing illegal opiates so…not the best time for me at least.

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Senor Weaselo

4th and 5th grade were pretty bad. Went to the gifted elementary school and got bullied because I was new and I was young.

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scotchnaut

I was half-way proficient as a hockey goalie and a basketball player. (weird!) Being not-bad at sports made middle school okay.

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Gratliff

First 3 years of high school. I’ve got legit PTSD issues relating to that time of my life that actually don’t involve school. Fun times.

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Shogun Marcus

Not me. Early high school. New to the district, and because I was smart and gifted in talking/listening to girls, I was of course branded faggot by the redneck elite.

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Unsurprised

comment image

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Sill Bimmons

I’m really fucking tired of losing posts.

This has gotten out of hand.

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JustStopDude

Trump is going to fix it. Build a wall…a YUUUUUUUUUGE wall around WordPress. And MEXICO IS GOING TO PAY FOR IT!

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Sill Bimmons

All that money he’s been spending on Mexican coke should come in handy.

http://i1.wp.com/www.justinjwright.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/mexican-coke.jpg

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Unsurprised

Like he’d splurge for coke. He’s on cheap prescription uppers.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Juuuust lost one. It had the sin of quotation marks.

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Sill Bimmons

Revelation 13

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

May be in Leviticus too.

http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1347769193l/2061936.jpg

Not sure tho.

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JustStopDude

A black player, doing the same shtick as JJ Watts, would be hated by America.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My line (ineffective, mind you):

Them; I HATE Cam Newton; he’s such a narcissist (or some other such term)!

Me; Oh, so you must REALLY hat J.J. Watt!

[shouting starts]

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*HATE

Damn it!

But they can hat him too if they want.

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herodotus450

If hate were free then Hat would be free

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Brick Meathook

Great news! I just got signed by the Pats and I’m starting QB this week! They’re even bailing me out of jail for this! Classy organization I gotta say.

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LemonJello

Heading to NFL.com right now to get an officially licensed MEATHOOK jersey…

/checks to see if NFL allows use of zero for player numbers

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You’ve ALWAYS been on my fantasy team, big boy.

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Senor Weaselo

Things I will eat when I get the all-clear from the doctor:
Steak
Chicken wings
Raw pasta (it’s my weird snack)
The blocks of ridiculously sharp cheddar in my fridge

And who knows what else!

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herodotus450

How big a block of cheese are you gonna eat?

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Senor Weaselo

There are two 8-oz blocks of 9-month extra sharp NY cheddar.

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Shogun Marcus

Or as I call it, pre-breakfast.

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Senor Weaselo

Did PIX 11 just say “red-hot rookie Sam Bradford?” Who checked off on that promo?

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Kungjitsu

Who doesn’t like Patton Oswalt?

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Sill Bimmons

Christians:

GodIsImaginary.com

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Evening folks. This wet beaver would like to say “howdy”.
comment image

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LemonJello

Nice beaver!

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scotchnaut

/watching the doc “The Devil’s Horn”

Wow.

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scotchnaut

[wonders where “the heck” The Instructional League was when he was in the NFL]

-Tim Tebow

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Senor Weaselo

You can post quotation marks? You fucker!

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scotchnaut

I’ve tried to post wooooo in quotation marks 3 times and got the old WSOD.

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Unsurprised

Canada

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scotchnaut

“Fucking” Canada…smgdh

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