Hillary Clinton Gets a New Mock Debate Partner

INT. OFFICE – HILLARY CLINTON’S CAMPAIGN OFFICE HEADQUARTERS, BROOKLYN – DAY

ROBBY MOOK: …and so that puts us at a 94% chance of winning the election and Obama’s dream of turning the United States into a gay Muslim caliphate is one step closer.

HILLARY CLINTON: I like it!

MOOK: That said, I think it’s now time to start preparing for the next debate. With such a strong lead in the polls, there’s really very little for us to gain – it would be ideal if we could skip the whole thing together. But we can’t, so our strategy is pretty straightforward. Trump’s only chance in this debate is if he absolutely crushes it. He REALLY needs to hit a home run here. So we’re going to pitch around him.

CLINTON: I like it!

MOOK: [noticing her eyes have glazed over slightly] …you understand the expression? From baseball?

CLINTON: Oh, absolutely. I’ve been a fan of the Senators for years.

MOOK: The Washington Senators?

CLINTON: Oh yes. There’s not much for professional sports in Arkansas, so when Bill and I moved to Washington in the early nineties I started supporting the local team.

MOOK: Okay. [considers pointing out the various inconsistencies in her statement, elects not to bother] Um, well, maybe a baseball metaphor isn’t really the way to go. But at any rate, the point is to avoid giving Trump any meaty topics to work with. So instead of digging at him to get under his skin like we did in the first two debates…

CLINTON: [shimmies shoulders] Woo!  It sure was fun!

MOOK: …we’re going to do the exact opposite this time. What we want to do this time is make the debate SO BORING that voters tune out before Trump gets a chance to change their mind.

CLINTON: I like it!

MOOK: I thought you would. So to help you practice this, I’ve brought in a debate partner who is really, really easy to get riled up. Too easy, some might say.

[door flies open]

ODELL BECKHAM JR: [strolls in, fiddling with his phone. He glances up, briefly, and then resumes browsing Instagram]

CLINTON: [subvocalized through a microphone implanted in her teeth and transmitted using a small battery unit attached to the back of her pantsuit] What is he doing here, Robbie? He’s barely even acknowledging my presence! It’s like he sees me as a marshmallow, or a child, or a dog.

ODELL BECKHAM: [internal monologue] Can’t fuck that.

MOOK: [via pheromone] Or a Reptilian.

CLINTON: [subvocalized] Not funny, Rongizzidazz.

MOOK: [via pheromone] Just give him a chance.

BECKHAM: [senses a strange odor, sniffs loudly]

CLINTON: [subvocalized] He does a good Trump, I’ll give him that!

MOOK: [via pheromone] Ha ha hiss ha hiss ha! [out loud] Okay, let’s get started. Thank you so much for joining us, Odell. I’m going to be acting as the moderator, and we’re going to ask you and Hillary a series of questions about topics that are important to American voters. Odell, you won the coin toss, you’ll answer first. First question: what are your plans to deal with the military and humanitarian crisis in Syria, particularly in Aleppo?

BECKHAM: The fuck is Aleppo?

MOOK: Sorry to break character here, Odell, but Gary Johnson won’t be at the debate. We’re asking you to stand in for Donald Trump.

BECKHAM: Oh, right. Sorry. Well, I guess my thoughts are…

CLINTON: [interrupting] See here, my opponent just said that he doesn’t even know WHAT Aleppo is, and yet he’s still going to spit out some word salad of an answer…

BECKHAM: YOU PULLIN’ THAT PRESS COVERAGE SHIT WITH ME? TRYIN’ TO KNOCK ME OFF MY ROUTE BEFORE I EVEN GET STARTED? AW, HELLS NO. HOW COME YOU GOT SO MANY ANSWERS ABOUT ALEPPO BUT WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU WHERE THE HELL THOSE EMAILS GONE YOU AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’ TO SAY?

MOOK: [breaking character again] Thank you, Odell.  See, Hillary, this is exactly what I’m talking about. We need to avoid these kinds of confrontations. Interrupting him like that just gives him an opportunity to change the subject and make a personal attack. Let’s try again. Hillary, this one’s for you: what are your plans to shore up the Social Security system over the long term?

CLINTON: Thank you for the question, Robbie. If you visit my website HillaryClinton.com, you’ll find that I’ve laid out a comprehensive series of policy proposals to address that very issue. My opponent, on the other hand, has advocated for privatization. Social Security provides a safety net for the retirement of millions of American seniors, and he had repeatedly stated that he intends to dismantle that safety net.

BECKHAM: DISMANTLE THE NET? YOU’RE GODDAMNED RIGHT I WANNA DISMANTLE THAT NET. I’LL PUT THAT THING IN PIECES!

MOOK: Okay, okay, excellent work, Odell. Let’s keep working. Remember, Hillary, you gotta give him nothing.  Odell, you have stated that if elected, you intend to use the Justice Department to pursue a personal vendetta against your opponent. Do you honestly think that is in keeping with the principles of a constitutional democracy such as our own?

BECKHAM: I regret that statement, Robbie, because I failed to adequately explain the nuance of what I was trying to get across. The Justice Department, under the Obama administration, has been consistently derelict in its duty to properly investigate crimes that have occurred within our own government. My statement was intended to draw attention to that. In my administration, NOBODY will be above the law. Not the bankers on Wall Street, not the perverts in Hollywood, and certainly not corrupt Congressmen and Senators.

MOOK: Mr. Beckham, that’s a measured and reasonable response, but I must remind you that the debate rules forbid you from targeting your opponent in any area that would be considered “cerebral”. Keep your attack below the belt.

BECKHAM: Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot. FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING MY OPPONENT ATE AN OMELETTE MADE OUT OF SULFUR AND ABORTED FETUSES!

CLINTON: Now this is just…[dabs the corner of her mouth]…I can’t even begin to…[checks her lapel for sulfur crumbs]…I’d like to respond directly to those attacks on my character, Robbie, but as our peerless First Lady Michelle Obama says, when they go low, we go high…

BECKHAM: OH, YOU GON’ GO HIGH? TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME!

[channel flies open, changes to CNN]