Drew Kaser Takes a Tour of Qualcomm Stadium

INTERIOR – QUALCOMM STADIUM, SAN DIEGO – MIDDAY

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[DREW KASER is walking deep within the halls of the stadium with teammates ANTONIO GATES, MELVIN INGRAM and JOSH LAMBO. It is dusty, dank and rusting and the lights occasionally flicker, casting ominous shadows across the narrow, seemingly endless corridor.]

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KASER: …so after explaining to the hotel staff that I didn’t order every adult movie they offered, they still charged me anyway! And then my luggage somehow didn’t make it onto the plane for the return flight home! It’s really strange, since it was a chartered flight and all.

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INGRAM: Yeah… Strange…

KASER: Right?! I tell ya, it’s been a tough few weeks. Between that 16 yard punt and bobbled snap on the field goal, I really screwed the pooch for us in Oakland.

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LAMBO: Heh. I dunno, I found it pretty funny.

KASER: Yeah, well, I’m not one to dwell on the past. We’ve got Denver tomorrow, on a short week! It’s time to turn the tides around on this season and go on an 11 game winning streak!

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GATES: Oh, we certainly intend to.

KASER: That’s the spirit! So, why did you guys bring me down here? Shouldn’t we be practicing?

INGRAM: With your difficult week and all, the guys wanted to throw you under [Coughs] I mean, throw you a party.

LAMBO: Haha! Yeah! A party!

KASER: Really?! Aww, you guys are the best!

GATES: We’re here.

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[The group approaches an old metal door at the end of the hall. GATES pulls it open, with some difficulty, and motions for KASER to enter.]

GATES: You can wait in here. We’ll come get you when everyone’s ready.

KASER: Oh, cool! Is this supposed to be like one of those surprise parties?!

LAMBO: [Giggling] Something like that.

INGRAM: It should be plenty surprising.

KASER: [Steps into the room] I can’t wait! This is going to be awe–

[GATES closes the door immediately behind him with a loud click]

KASER: –some. Huh, okay. Bye guys!

[KASER scans the room, which appears to be used for discarded equipment storage. A number of shoulder pads and jersey are strewn across the floor, and the few shelves are lined with broken helmets and other protective equipment. The only thing that looks out of place is a very clean but older model of exercise bike. After a few minutes of standing around, something about it calls to KASER and he jumps onto it and begins to pedal.]

KASER: Bikebikebikebikebikebikebikebike

[As he continues, a hidden door begins to revel itself across the room. Suddenly…]

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[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

boltman

BOLTMAN: WHO DARES TO DISTURB THE MIGHTY BOLTMAN IN HIS CHAMBERS?!

KASER: HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!

BOLTMAN: OH, WHAT IS THIS THAT BOLTMAN SEES? WHY, IT’S ROOKIE PUNTER, DREW KASER! THE OLD ONES HAVE BEEN KIND TO BRING YOU BEFORE BOLTMAN!

KASER: Wait, you know me?

BOLTMAN: KNOW YOU?! BOLTMAN KNOWS ALL OF HIS SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGERS! [Air guitars] THEY ARE THE SOURCE OF BOLTMAN’S POWER! THEY CHAAAARGE UP THE LIGHTNING IN BOLTMAN’S VEINS! [Windmills a few too many times] OOOOOHHHHHH YEEEEAAAAHHHHH!

KASER: [Breathes a deep sigh of relief as he jumps off of the exercise bike] Thank goodness. Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Boltman. I’m just waiting for my teammates to come back, so that we can go to a party.

BOLTMAN: PARTY?! BOLTMAN LOVES TO PARTY! [Starts to headbang] IN FACT, YOU CAN PARTY WITH BOLTMAN RIGHT NOW AND THE REST OF HIS GUESTS! [Starts to walk towards KASER, STOMP, STOMP, CLAPPING as he advances. A distorted version of “We Will Rock You” begins to play somewhere from within BOLTMAN.]

KASER: Guests? What guests? [Takes a step backwards and trips over one of the shoulder pads on the ground]

BOLTMAN: [STOMP, STOMP, CLAP] WHY, YOU JUST FELL OVER ONE RIGHT THERE! [STOMP, STOMP, CLAP]

[KASER looks down, and sees the tattered jersey of #20, MCCREE, covering a skull with a football jammed into the broken jaw, crudely duct taped together]

BOLTMAN: [STOMP, STOMP, CLAP] BOLTMAN MADE IT SO THAT HE CAN’T FUMBLE EVER AGAIN! [STOMP, STOMP, CLAP]

[KASER jumps to his feet and begins to panic. With BOLTMAN blocking both doors, he presses himself against the back wall and desperately searches for an exit.]

BOLTMAN: AND BOLTMAN MADE IT SO HE CAN’T MISS ANYMORE! [Lines up and kicks one of the shoulder pads towards KASER. It hits the wall right next to him with a sickening thud, as #10, KAEDING, slides back to the floor.BOLTMAN drops to his knees and throws his hands in the air.] IT’S GOOOOOOOOOOOD!

KASER: [Seeing his only opening, he runs past the kneeling BOLTMAN and grabs the closed door handle. it doesn’t budge.] OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD! [He whirls around and bumps into the figure before him]

Boltman

BOLTMAN: GOD?! ONE COULD CALL BOLTMAN THAT! BUT WHEN YOU PLAY, YOU HURT YOUR GOD! SO BOLTMAN WILL MAKE IT SO THAT YOU CAN NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!

[BOLTMAN grabs KASER by the leg and drags him back into the hidden door, which slams shut behind them. Moments later…]

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

GATES: Hey kid! We wanted to save you from Rivers 17 minute prayer before the party and…Hey, where is he?

LAMBO: Hahahaha! He must’ve wandered off! What a dummy!

INGRAM: I’m sure he’ll turn up.

[The lights flicker more intensely]

LAMBO: Heh, this place kinda weirds me out. Why do we all come down here again?

INGRAM: Oh, it’s to hide from those creepy Spanos kids. Anytime there’s a party, they always act like they’re invited and we’re throwing it for one of them.

GATES: Come on, let’s go get some cake before Mebane goes back for “seconds.”

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“Bikebikebikebikebike” will never fail to make me laugh.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

LOVE the twist at the end!

I’m now more terrified of Boltman than ever.

Doktor Zymm
Member

Boltman is every 1980’s cartoon villain combined with every 1980’s serial killer

Beerguyrob
Member

Fantastic. An underrated yet accurate Spanos kids reference.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I like the new Trump logo. Very energetic.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It wins.

Don T
Member

I get more afraid of Boltman after each appearance, but the air guitar gets funnier. I love this stuff.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
litre_cola
Member

This was fantastic.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

When did the national Fraternial Order of Police change its name?

Old School Zero
Member

I really like that the creepy equipment room with the hidden door from the Halloween story is now canon. You honor BOLTMAN with your attention to continuity. So good.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I didn’t notice that was an autograph at first.

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