2016 Quotables (Week 7 – Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

Latest posts by blaxabbath (see all)

Hey yeah so…….sorry about the delay on Quotables this week. I do have a non-[DFO] job that has been eating up my time and, since I’m not an attorney like the rest of you fine people, I feel confident that “you wouldn’t understand” would be an adequate excuse. But that’s not my style. That’s not me. That isn’t blaxabbath. I’m a man of my word. A man of truth.

Thanks, Guy Who Would Win 500 Electoral College Votes in this Election!
Thanks, Guy-Who-Would-Win-500-Electoral-College-Votes-in-this-Election!

Honestly, I’ve spent the entire day — THE ENTIRE DAY — perusing which Brock Osweiler incompletion to include here. Granted, I don’t get to full picture of these games because I just look for hard hits and funny faces but….well, remember this offseason piece asking which was a better signing, Osweiler to Houston or Sanchez to Denver? After last night, I’m not sure if there is a clear cut winner there.

Anyways, I was just trying to hit my minimum word requirement there so on to the gifs!


The Green Bay Packers complete a first down against the Chicago Bears on Thursday Night Football.
The Green Bay Packers complete a first down against the Chicago Bears on Thursday Night Football.

Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Alex Smith throws a 46 yard touchdown pass.
Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Alex Smith throws a 46 yard touchdown pass.

Oakland Raiders punter Marquette King runs for a first down in the 4th quarter against the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Oakland Raiders punter Marquette King runs for a first down on 4th and 24 in the 4th quarter against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

A Jacksonville Jaguars fan reacts to the teams loss to the Oakland Raiders in a youtube video filmed in his northeastern Florida mansion.
A Jacksonville Jaguars fan reacts to the teams loss to the Oakland Raiders in a youtube video filmed in his northeastern Florida mansion.

Los Angeles Rams of St Louis quarterback Case Keenum throws an interception on the team's final offensive play against the New York Giants in London.
Los Angeles Rams of St Louis quarterback Case Keenum throws an interception on the team’s final offensive play against the New York Giants in London.

The Tennessee Titans fail to get off an extra point against the Indianapolis Colts.
The Tennessee Titans fail to get off an extra point against the Indianapolis Colts.

Arizona Cardinals cornerback Patrick Peterson and Seattle Seahawks kicker Steven Hauschka react to Hauschka's missed overtime field goal on Sunday Night Football.
Arizona Cardinals cornerback Patrick Peterson and Seattle Seahawks kicker Steven Hauschka react to Hauschka’s missed overtime field goal on Sunday Night Football.

Houston Texans quarterback Brock Osweiler speaks with Denver Broncos safety T.J. Ward after their Monday Night Football game.
Houston Texans quarterback Brock Osweiler speaks with Denver Broncos safety T.J. Ward after their Monday Night Football game.
blaxabbath
blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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Brocky
Member

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/yys5SMPhZDxWU.gif

Finally, a punter whose intangibles Peter King won’t gush about

Brocky
Member

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/pR7wo4zftoLyo.gif

Joe Flacco has got to have the weirdest boner right now

Brocky
Member

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/2RQCKHFiKnk08.gif

I just can’t make fun of the guy.

Jay Cutler has made me do far worse.

trollsoharduniversity
Member

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/12ga12nycTI35K.gif?resize=480%2C270

“OK, we’re calling this play, ‘Skip to my Two'”

trollsoharduniversity
Member

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/2RQCKHFiKnk08.gif?resize=480%2C270

“Wait, so you’re saying that I can now get an Egg McMuffin after 10:30 AM?”

trollsoharduniversity
Member

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/2RCFjAzXuiR20.gif?resize=480%2C270

“This is also what America will look like on November 9th”

trollsoharduniversity
Member

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/NSezfwXTe2kx2.gif?resize=480%2C270

“Usually Chicagoans have no problem swallowing the Cobb.”

trollsoharduniversity
Member

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/cy6V7ieYTuUaQ.gif?resize=480%2C270

“Hey TJ. Do you know what team I’m on? No. I didn’t get hit in the head. Why?”

Senor Weaselo
Member

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/48jnAOH1qjvAA.gif
“All right, touchdown! Wait, he’s not on my… are you sure? He was wide open.”

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/pR7wo4zftoLyo.gif
“Looks like a 46-yard bomb in the box score!”

JustStopDude
Member
JustStopDude

That is the widest fucking double wide I have ever seen…

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/2RQCKHFiKnk08.gif?zoom=1.5&resize=478%2C269

litre_cola
Member

I AM THE ONLY PERSON WHO BOUGHT THE JAGS COLOUR RUSH JERSEY!!!!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

More like color FLUSH jersey, AMIRITE?!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Get out

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/48jnAOH1qjvAA.gif?resize=480%2C270

“Offensive” is certainly a way to describe this.

nomonkeyfun
Member

Jeff Fisher: “Guys, its 3rd and 10 from the 5. They’ll never expect ALL of our receivers to run 8 yard routes or less. Gold, I’m telling you gold.”

Boras: “Let me go tell Keenum what we’re doing.”

Fisher: “Nah don’t worry. One of the receivers will tell him about it.”

Boras: “You sure?”

Fisher: “Don’t worry. Worst case scenario it’ll be 50-50. Has anyone ever gotten fired for having that record?”

nomonkeyfun
Member

Re Alex Smith:
“Just like the blacks. Taking all the credit for the white man’s work.”

-D. Trump

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

JAGS FAN: Wait for it…wait for it…OOH WA AH AH AH!!!

(for reference)

SonOfSpam
Member

Disturbed:Jacksonville::Hinder:Quinzee

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Although you’d think being down with the sickness would be more of a Tampa thing.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/yys5SMPhZDxWU.gif
**Yakety Sax plays in the background**

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello
LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/12ga12nycTI35K.gif
**Yakety Sax played at ear-bleeding volume**

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/2RCFjAzXuiR20.gif
Sad trombone plays us out.

\And I’m spent.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Yakety Jax.

SonOfSpam
Member

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/pR7wo4zftoLyo.gif

Payton: TACKLE HIM!
Defense: Ware?
Payton: BEFORE HE SCORES!
Defense: Ware?
Payton: DAMMIT ANYWHERE!
Defense: There’s more than one???

(touchdown)

Bloody Lethal
Member
Bloody Lethal

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/cy6V7ieYTuUaQ.gif?resize=480%2C270

I bet that win feels pretty good. Wanna trade it for this banana? You know how badly I could beat you right?

King Hippo
Member

To Humblebrag, from the linked Offseason Content comments…

King Hippo

July 21, 2016 at 5:13 pm Edit
Brock is indeed mediocre and was passed over FOAR the playoffs in favor of a (barely) walking corpse. 4 years, $72M? Enjoy your tall, off-brand Alex Smith, Houston.

Of course, I also thought Nacho would be driving the Bus d’Orange toward another Superb Owl, so…

/back with captions later MAYBE!

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I don’t have shit. I’m just going to rest on my random thoughts from a few days ago.

SonOfSpam
Member

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/12ga12nycTI35K.gif

Fans were confused by the play’s disastrous chaos, but the Titans’ tribute to Rob Bironas was touching nonetheless.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Oh! Well done.

\slaps SonOfSpam on the ass. HARD.

SonOfSpam
Member
Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Or Troy McClure. “You might remember me from the first red-baiting hearings, a fake political retirement, and the Watergate tapes.”

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

That stat is such bullshit. Alex Smith hasn’t *thrown* 46 completed yard all season.

Trevor Semen
Member
Trevor Semen

Hauschka: THE LAST TIME I SAW A FOOTBALL PLAYER SHANK SOMETHING THAT BAD WAS IN SOUZA-BARANOWSKI CORRECTIONAL CENTER
/that’s where Aaron Hernandez’s is currently imprisoned

Enrico Pallazzo
Member

Stephen? Steven? Who gives a shit?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

http://i2.wp.com/i.giphy.com/NSezfwXTe2kx2.gif
“I haven’t seen a guy escape a bear like that since Fleet Week in San Fransisco.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s good work right there, folks.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/12ga12nycTI35K.gif

“Probably shouldn’t name the fake kick the “French Mistake”

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/48jnAOH1qjvAA.gif

“THIS GUY, CASE KEENUM, I CALL PEENEMUNDE BECAUSE HE LAUNCHES THINGS THAT DON’T HIT WHAT THEIR SUPPOSED TO!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Love how Keenum gave him the audible hand signal before the snap and then *poof*; audible gone into thin air.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

http://i1.wp.com/i.giphy.com/cy6V7ieYTuUaQ.gif

B. Lobster: “Help me, please, this isn’t even a real team! Please…for the love of all that is holy…Help me, T.J. Ward, you’re my only hope!”

King Hippo
Member

I love that his meme is catching on. Tis really fitting, and who doesn’t love America’s Greatest Party Band?

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

http://i0.wp.com/i.giphy.com/2RQCKHFiKnk08.gif

“MA, I WANT MY MEATLOAF*! MEATLOAF*!!!! MA…MEEEEEAAATTLOOOOOAFFFF*!”

*MEATLOAF = METH

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

Packers: Looks like Rodger’s “receiver” was fully greased today.

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

Case Keenum: I haven’t seen a bomb miss it’s target son badly in London since 24 Aug 1940.

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

*so badly – fuck ulnar neuropathy

Trevor Semen
Member
Trevor Semen

Keenum: Remember guys, the first overall pick in this year’s draft is this guy’s backup’s backup.

Trevor Semen
Member
Trevor Semen

Lobster talking to shorty: “Please please please take me back! I’ll do anything! I’ll even feed Elway his sugar cubes! Just please get me the fuck out of this hellhole!”

Trevor Semen
Member
Trevor Semen

Jaguras Fan: “Is it recording? Yeah? FUCK THIS SHIT FUCK ALL OF IT I HOPE THAT KHAN SHITSKIN DIES A HORRIBLE FIERY DEATH BORT SHOULD’VE BEEN ABORTED. CUT! Alright get me the fuck out of this jersey, (takes off jersey to reveal a Bo Jackson #34)

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

“ROLL EAGLE! WAR DAMN TIDE!”
-T. Green

Duchess
Member

Remember folks these are the same Jaguars that beat the Bears.

Brocky
Member

……………………………………………………….. 🙁

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