Your “Week 11? Where Did The Time Go?” Sunday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

If you haven’t felt the season fly by fairly quickly, I envy you and wish you well in your battle with acne. You see, as one ages time tends run faster. Someone that may or may not be smarter than me attributes this phenomenon to the fact that there is a distinct lack of “firsts” that occur as we grow older. These “first times” (getting a license, getting laid, killing a hobo, marrying a hobo’s widow, OD-ing on laundry detergent, changing underwear, etc.) are reference points by which our memory marks time. With a decreasing amount of fresh reference points, time feels as though it has sped up. That’s the theory, anyway. What’s that you say, “Shut up, scotchy. I didn’t come here to have some half-assed brain fart of a theory with more holes in it than a colander shoved in my face against my will by some drunk whose rancid breath I can smell from here!” My, aren’t we cranky this morning… TO THE GAMES!

Pit/Cle-The Steelers have lost 3 straight on the road and it gets worse-4 of their next 5 are away. Not sure if Kessler or McCown are starting today but you’re right, it makes no matter. If you’re the type to be concerned with that you’re also curious about exactly how the deck chairs were arranged on the Titanic. It looks as though 8-8 or 9-7 is going to take the AFC North so Pit needs this to stay on the Ravens heels.

Bal/Dal-Speaking of the Ravens, it looks as though the Cowboys are going to do the Steelers a solid. (is that still used?) Dallas is favoured by 8 the last time I looked and Baltimore always loses by single digits so that’s a tough call. How the Ravens manage to stay close when Flacco has a 9/9 TD/Int ratio is beyond my comprehension. One TD per game? Wow. DAK! has thrown for 35 less yards and is at 14/2. So how does he pull that off when his fave target is Cole Freakin’ Beasley? I think this is the final confirmation that there is no governing intelligence in the universe.

Jax/Det-Qb Chunky Lardtrough is having him quite the season. It looks as though this might lead to a very healthy contract that he’ll not come remotely close to performing up to. Still, that kind of money buys a lot of Keebler elves and who really can put a price on their tasty cookies? The Jags “Fire Gus Bradley” movement continues apace in the form of god-awful play on the field and thinly-disguised despair in the locker room.

Ten/Ind-Both teams have alternated wins with losses for the last 5 weeks. Given that they each lost last week, logic dictates that they both must lose today. I don’t know how they’re going to pull it off but I have tremendous faith in the mediocrity of these teams. Two teams enter, both dissemble.

Buf/Cin-Much like an unwanted fan on a Wimbledon court, the Bills are streaking. After 2 losses, 4 wins and another 2 losses they look to the spaghetti chili basket of America for their next W. Bengal fans have been near-unanimous in their agreement that a sub-par O-line has sabotaged their season. As evidence they point to qb Dalton getting roughed up by a Giants D that heretofore couldn’t apply pressure with a warehouse full of bicycle tire pumps. Rex and Rob are going to watch some tape and blitz like Rommel in the desert. Wr Green will get his like he always does but it won’t be enough.

TB/KC-The most boring 7-2 team in the league raises its boring head. They’re tied with the Raiders atop the AFC West so they need this game vs. Tampa and will most likely get it. That’ll make 6 wins in a row and then their sked tightens up quite a bit. They have the Broncs (X2), Falcons and Raiders up ahead. What is there to say about the Bucs except that which has already been said?

Chi/NYG-The sulkiest sulker that ever shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes is trying to lead the Bears to the promised land of the second overall draft pick in 2017. That’s a thoughtful going-away present, isn’t it? Who says he doesn’t care? (everyone) To help things along wr Jeffrey has done his part by departing. HC Fox has also developed a new drill in practice-it’s called “throwing in the towel”. Fox maintains that, “It’s not just for the quarterbacks, it’s something everyone on the team can do.”

Ari/Min-Minny’s recent tumble might just be related to the loss for the year of 3 starting O-line guys. There’s only so many “Next Man Up!(s)” any team can pull off. The Cards had high expectations yet half of their 4 wins have come courtesy of the Niners. This game has “ugly mess” written all over it.

Now, GET YE TO YER BUNKERS AND START FIRING!!!

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Horatio Cornblower
Member

My mother and my sister have met at my house as the halfway point so my sister can drop off her dog for my mother to watch for a few days.

My dog is less than pleased by the presence of his cousin, who is blissfully unaware of pretty much anything.

King Hippo
Member

I sometimes wish this phenomenon happened with cats.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Our cats are comfortably ensconced in their outdoor fort. They are guaranteed not to come out until well after this unknown demon has left.

Redshirt
Member

NFL: “Ratings are down? Why?!”
Me: “Maybe show more than one game at a time, you assholes!”

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I at least have 2 choices on TV. I can watch the Lions suck and lose or the Vikings suck and lose. I am choosing option 3, watching a stream of the Bears sucking and losing.

Shogun Marcus
Member

I’ve seen enough lions games this year to make me wonder if I don’t in fact live in Detroit. Going by the quality of some of the neighborhood residents, it’s close.

Redshirt
Member

Once more unto the derp, dear friends, once more

Spur
Member
Spur

The other game is KC and Tampa, why?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

So apparently Audi cars reverse global warming?

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Somebody has to counter VW.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

VW owns Audi

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Damnit so they do.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

I’m so excited to be able stay home and watch my shitty Bears on FOX instead of having a quality game on tv.

Spur
Member
Spur

Yay, no Phil and Jim for the Cowboy game.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Some comments below just reminded me of the scene in Up In Smoke when the Mexicans call La Migra on themselves to get a free bus ride down to Mexico. Wish I’d written something up with that and Raiders fans.

King Hippo
Member

Starting 5/9 players off waivers: Jordan Howard, Tyler Eifert, kicker Lionel Hutz, Eli Rogers (this week), Tyreek Hill (ditto)

would have been 6, but subbed out Catler last minute. Sadly, I’ve carried Crazy Eyez all season long.

Redshirt
Member

It just dawned on me why America elected Trump. You know when your driving and your car drifts to the left, you get startled and you overcorrect and drive off road to the right.

America was drifting to the left, Working-class Americans overcorrected to the right and that’s why we’re heading towards that tree.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Yeah just correct the metaphor to a significant portion of the drivers wanting to run over the black guy on the sidewalk and you’re spot on.

King Hippo
Member

That’s….one way to describe it.

Spur
Member
Spur

What’s up with Jim Rome hair?

Spur
Member
Spur

I haven’t seen a movie in the theaters since the Force Awakens and I plan to see Rouge One opening weekend. Am not sure what that says about me.

King Hippo
Member

Starting to think that Django Unchained will be the last one I ever see. I also confuse that with the band Django Django.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Whoa whoa whoa. 8 X 5? Slow the fuck down, WordPress

Spur
Member
Spur

Jimmy Smith isn’t playing today. This is good for the Cowboys. Still have a bad feeling about this game.

King Hippo
Member

As the losses mount on selling the house I bought for my growing family – that I KNEW was too big and a financial stretch, and now isn’t selling as everyone only wants new construction, I am reminded of the primary George Carlin lesson I failed to fully internalize:

“That’s why they call it the American dream. You have to be asleep to believe it.”

NEVER buy a house, any of you goddamned kids and/or Millenials out there. You won’t regret it. It’s like playing the lottery with 40% of your fucking paycheck.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Thanks for putting my fears into words. We’re in the process of fixing up some of the things around the current Fort LemonJello before it goes on the market in the spring. (Anyone interested in a 4 bed/3 bath about 6 blocks from the beach in the Outer Banks of NC?). Then Clan LemonJello will migrate to the NoVA area. We plan to rent when we get there. Just have to get TangerineJello through high school and then we’ll decide to buy or not. (BerryJello and OrangeJello will both be in college).

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

Have you thought about renting it out? I updated my old house and am now renting it out. Before it was ready to rent people were leaving notes on the door about wanting to know when it would be available.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

Bigger houses are a sucker bet.

ThursdaySkyGoddess
Member
ThursdaySkyGoddess

Renting is a kind of hell of it’s own if the owner doesn’t ever want to upkeep their own property.

March: Moved out of a house with a leaky upstairs tub that was never fixed and had holes in the roof, basement routinely flooded, and severe water damage due to rain the owner tried to claim was it was like the smudges on the wall. Really, smudges on the fucking ceiling?

Now: Moved into a house with a leaky upstairs tub, unfinished basement ceiling with lots of exposed wires, and I just spent last week playing phone tag with electricians and the power company on whose job it was to fix the fact that most of the electricity kept randomly shutting off.

King Hippo
Member

On the positive side…you get to WALK the fuck away!!

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

I’m lucky. We rent the bottom of a two family house and my landlord lives upstairs. So he maintains the place well.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Was just talking with the wife about possibly looking for a house in the spring. So…keep renting. Got it.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Accidentally turned on Sunday NFL Countdown on ESPN. Who had those recs for a new tv?

Shogun Marcus
Member

The NFL: Oh come on, you’ve done worse.

yeah right
Member

If you want to see the true difference in regards to the time variance between East Coast and West coast all you have to is look at football Sunday.
Some of you folks have had full productive days and I haven’t dragged my West coast ass out of bed yet.
Fuck it. The siren call of an egg goddamn sandwich is calling.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

If by full and productive day, you mean waking up and going right to the bar, then yes. I have had a productive day so far.

yeah right
Member

That beats the hell out of my productivity.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

I don’t know, man, I think the second time getting laid is better because you’re not as nervous, you know how to handle yourself better, and you’re not thinking about hurting anyone anymore, so you can just enjoy it.

Wait, I’m thinking of the second time killing a hobo.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Instead of just a bunch of animal grunting, you realize it’s actually more pleasant if you talk to your companion and find out what they are thinking and feeling during the act..

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

I’m confused: is this regarding sex or hobo killing?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

I can put a price on cookies if they’re thin mints: $0

yeah right
Member

I’ll be watching my boys take on AZ.
When you get to my age you can accept a certain amount of masochism.

And in true Minnesota fashion I’m making a hotdish for dinner. Tater tot casserole motherfuckers!

yeah right
Member

This was really well written and highly entertaining.

Where am I again?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

MMQB?

yeah right
Member

Unless it’s Jenny Vrentas probably not.

Spur
Member
Spur

I still can’t get over Texas losing to Kansas. No one loses to Kansas.

So long Charlie you seem like a real great person. It’s time for you to go.

Spur
Member
Spur

Folks.

Redshirt
Member

Let’s see. My first Football Open Thread in two months. Lets see if Door Flies Open has changed since then…

“I LOVE UPROXX!!!”

Don T
Member

comment image

Horatio Cornblower
Member

What are the odds Trump can get that wall built quickly enough to keep the Raiders fans from coming back?

yeah right
Member

True Raiders fans couldn’t afford the trip.

King Hippo
Member

God help me, I saw the wind forecast for NJ, and am rolling with Crazy Eyez, since he is at least playing indoors with a non-existent running game.

King Hippo
Member

my bye week choices are Catler (looked fine until Alshon pulled the ripcord) or Crazy Eyez against the 2nd best pass D in the league.

Out of the playoff hunt if’n I lose.

King Hippo
Member

Woke up to watch SC/UCLA on DVR, over 3 cups of coffee. It sucked as bad as all the live action games I seen yesterday.

You’ve got a lot to live up to, big boy NFL.

Which amongst these fine fixtures has the most potential to end in a draw? Gotta be Titans/Humps, yeah?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Member
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I started to watch last night’s SNL because I have time to kill and I saw Alec Baldwin showed up to play Trump again. I might have to stop after seeing Kristen Wiig in her monologue. She looks like a 67 year old lesbian that owns an organic farm.

Don T
Member

Titans won last week. Colts were on bye. Both of ’em KICKED GB’s ASS last. This made me have feelings!

In other words: well played. Thanks.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

/wakes up to take old man shit
//checks DFO
///checks game schedule
////goes back to sleep until 1PM Pacific

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