“When Not All Tires Catch Fire” – The Atlanta Falcons At Their Bye



A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

First of all, let’s kick this mother off right:

The Falcons are 6-4 and on their bye this weekend. Let that sink in for a moment – the Falcons, a team that last year started 5-0 and then promptly decided that competency was for losers. The Falcons, whose one shining moment was their ruining the Panthers drive for a perfect season. [Insert mandatory “Fuck the ’72 Dolphins!” quote here.]

Their home town paper predicted a 10-6 record, and broke down how they thought each game would go. By Week 10, he actually had it bang-on at 6-4. So they’ll need to go a respectable 4-2 over the last six to match the prognostication.

Now then, let’s review what some idiot said on this here site in their team preview:

Based on [*snip*] minimalist observation and my rapidly declining interest, I’m predicting a mayonnaise sandwich of a 6-10 record. They play Tampa & the Saints twice, and get the Niners, Eagles, Rams and Chargers. There’s gotta be 6 wins in there somewhere. A perfect storm maybe gets them to 8-8, satisfying their half-empty stadium but ruining their 2017 draft position.

Well sonofabitch, they done gots to their minimum by Week 10.

So, how did they get there?

It helps to remember you’ve got that lining up to your right. The Falcons currently rank 1st in points scored, and second in passing & total yards per game.

It also helps that the Panthers started the season playing like dog shit. Even counting CAM WHOAAA CAMMMM’s victory last night, the Falcons have a two-game lead over the rest of the division, and currently occupy the #3 spot in the conference. The Bucs are no threat until Jameis stops thinking about crab legs and pussy, and the Saints will find a way to crash & burn as they always seem to do. If the newly Dirty Birds go 3-3 to end the season, 9-7 should get them into the playoffs as the division winner, because I doubt anyone in that outhouse has the capacity to go 5-1. PROVE ME WRONG, NFC SOUTH!

With that in mind, it’s time I rework my ratings from the preview.


  • Again, first in the NFL in passing yards per game. The mind boggles…
    • preseason ranking: Sandwich spread, unflavored
    • current ranking: Remoulade
  • Matt Ryan has a competent O-line, a decent RB, and receivers who can catch anything he puts up. There’s always a chance he reverts to form, but it doesn’t seem likely.
    • Tony Gonzales must sit in the CBS studios and wonder how this dipshit forced him into retirement.

Running Backs:

  • Currently ranked 14th in the NFL
    • preseason ranking: Tartar sauce
    • current ranking: Tartar sauce
      • but a fancier kind – with capers instead of pickles.
  • Devonta Freeman has yet to truly break out this season, and Matty Ice is their 4th-leading rusher.


  • The beneficiaries of Matty Ice’s playing out of his mind.
    • preseason ranking: Spicy Chipotle Mayo
    • current ranking: Roasted garlic aioli
  • The best thing on this team has gotten even better under the lights.
    • No word on Julio’s intentions for 2017 yet.

Defensive Front:

  • The reason they have the four losses. They’ve surrendered more first downs than the offence has made.
    • preseason ranking: Canola-based mayo
    • current ranking: Coleslaw dressing
  • I’ve upgraded them to “Hidden Valley” from “Kraft”, if only because Vic Beasley has 9.5 sacks, and they’ve recovered 12 of 15 fumbles forced. But they still yield more yards per game than every other team but the 49ers and Browns.


  • The numbers look better only because the offence is throwing for more than they surrender. They have yet to be really exposed.
    • preseason ranking: Low-fat Mayo
    • current ranking: Béchamel sauce
  • I debated whether it should be the powdered or the pre-mixed version. Ultimately, I chose the powder, like most of Atlanta reputedly does.


  • Dan Quinn is doing the best with what he has. For a defensive genius, he sure is staying away from interfering in the offence. You’d think the defence would be better, then. But – here we are.
    • preseason ranking: Mayonesa
    • current ranking: Hollandaise sauce, on asparagus
  • On paper, the Falcons rest of the season looks okay. But something just smells funny, because this is (mostly) the same team that shit away a 5-0 start last year.

Now, coming out of their bye next week, they have, in order:

  • Nov. 27 – vs. Cardinals
  • Dec. 4 – vs. Chiefs
  • Dec. 11 – at Rams
  • Dec. 18 – vs. 49ers
  • Dec. 24 – at Panthers
  • Jan. 1 – vs. Saints

They finish the season with 4 of 6 at home. Rams, Niners and Saints look to be the easiest of the three games they need to win. The 49ers are white-hot garbage, the Saints most likely have nothing to play for Week 17, and Jeff Fisher might have to throw this game if victory costs him his precious chances at 7-9. Things could look even better depending upon which version of Carson Palmer & Alex Smith they get.

If they do make the playoffs, that would make it a first appearance for Dan Quinn, in his second year as a head coach, and the beginning of discussion about a “Pete Carroll coaching tree”.

I rest my case.

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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[…] at the bye, when they were 6-4, what they are doing now wasn’t predicted based on their […]


The “team components as sandwich spread” idea is fucking incredible, beerguyrob. I wish I’d thought of it, you bastard. Loved this review.


45 degrees. cloudy. wind gusts up to 50 mph. two soccer games. tomorrow can eat my ass with a fork and spoon.


The important thing, as usual, is that no one in Atlanta cares.

Don T

I think they just can’t be amazed.


But could a Carroll coaching tree be taken down by 2 jets?


I think both 6-10 and 8-8 are still in play. I just don’t trust the Falcons to not shit their collective beds.

It will be fun next year when we can talk about the shit performances coming out of The Asshole.