Your “Let’s Further Muddy The Playoff Waters This Week, Shall We?” NFL Football Early Slate Open Thread

There’s much to get to so let’s go directly… TO THE GAMES!

Pit/Buf-The Steelers look a lot like a team rounding into playoff shape. During their recent 3 game run they’ve recorded 13 sacks which has doubled their season total. That’s quality quarterback-getting! Add an improving D to an O that is becoming increasingly reliant on rb Bell and his average of 140 yards from scrimmage per game and yet still has the wondrous Antonio Brown in its arsenal and that looks to me like a delicious recipe for post-season success. Meanwhile the Buffalo “Absent from the playoffs for 16 years and counting” Bills beat reporters are beating the hell out of qb Taylor, badgering him about his stats, his big contract and his utter lack of whiteness-though that last part is implied.

Den/Ten-Qb Siemian was limited in practice for much of the week but will get the start today. Denver is 4-2 on the road and needs this one badly because they’ve got the likes of the Raiders, Chiefs and Pats lurking on the horizon. The Titans “meh” 6-6 record is good for first in their division. It’s all or nothing for them because if they don’t end up winning the AFC South (and let’s be honest-a quick exit from the playoffs) they’ll have no shot at a wild-card berth.

Was/Phi-Philly has lost 7 of their last 9, allowing their fans to be their truly horrible selves. That 3-0 start was just The Fates having their fun, wasn’t it? We all knew that the partial tear-down of a Chip Kelly-engineered team would be a painful process and we ended up being correct. The Redacteds are a half-game behind Tampa for the second NFC wild-card despite being 6-5-1. Yeesh!

Ari/Mia-The Fins must be the least intimidating 7-5 team in ever, especially after getting exposed as the charlatans they are by the Ravens last week. That said, Arizony can’t win on the road and will be waving bye-bye to their (rightly) pathetic playoff hopes when this game is over. Just curious, has Berman used Adam “Foot on the” Gase yet because I don’t want it.

SD/Car-This game means nothing to anyone. No, wait. It does mean something to all those weirdos that are putting together their 2017 Mock Draft 3.2 or whatever.

Cincy/Cle-[tentatively pencils in Cleveland as having the first overall pick] “Hey, cut me a break-I’m new at this!”

Chi-Det-The Lions have a solid 2 game lead in the NFC North. [checks standings for the fifth time] Yep, 2 games. They’re still there. How they’ve gotten to where they are without a credible run game and the loss of a sure Hall of Famer at wideout sure does tickle the old cortex. The Bears wr’s Jeffrey and Royal are out and Wilson is dicey to play due to being hamstrung. I have no idea who qb Barkley will throw to, or if throwing the ball is part of the game plan, or if there is a game plan or if the coaches were even told that there is a game this week.

Hou/Indy– 666 may be the mark of the beast but 6-6-6-6-6-6 is the mark of an AFC South division putz, er, leader-all three of them. Perhaps we get a tie in this tilt and the mark could change to 6-6-1? Crossed fingers have been engaged.

Min/Jac– The 2-10 Jags were eliminated from playoff contention “just last week” according to somebody with much too much time on their hands. Great job hanging in there, Gus. Whatever you do, don’t let that win/loss record hit you on the way out the door, ’cause that would be remarkably painful. Any bets on him being the first coach fired on the Monday after the regular season finishes up? Say, 6 am local time? Despite a winnable game vs. the Cowboys ending up as an L, the Vikes 5-0 kickstart is looking to be as much of an aberration as the Eagles “out of the gate” 3-0. “But they could still turn it around!”, some will say-and yes, that is in the realm of possibility and will gain credence after they whoop the Jags but, no. You had your chance in the middle of the season and you blew it.

There. Let’s pretend you’re all caught up. Now, GIMMEE SOME OF THAT WORD/GIF-BASED LOVIN’!

 

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King Hippo

We like that, Kirk.

Spur

Pick6 for Capt Kirk

King Hippo

There are limits to how much one can accomplish with no QB and no OL. Denver will have to address that sooner or later.

WCS

You assfaces won a Super Bowl doing that last year.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

To make a joke at tWBS, I now have “herpes medication” permanently in my google search history record since I use Chrome with a logged in account.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wooooo!!!!!!
My job here is done.

theeWeeBabySeamus

HEPATITIS C!!!!!!!!!!

Spur

DeSean Jackson showing his teammates how to cover their faces during a home invasion

blackroseMD1

It’s amazing how much shittier the Chargers offense becomes in the red zone.

Spanky Datass

… and the Redacteds and the Clots.

ThePirateSloth

Next on ESPN8 The Ocho: The hosts of NFL Sunday Ticket Red Zone come under fire for analyzing JIM BOB COOTERs name for an unfunny amount of time.

ThePirateSloth

Oops, that should read Fantasy Zone Channel. The budget at The Ocho is 1/8 the normal amount, so we can’t really afford an editor.

Old School Zero

Sorry, Broncos.

King Hippo

Fuck. Everything.

WCS

Le’Veon Bell > you

Redshirt

Don’tlosetoCleveland.Don’tlosetoCleveland.Don’tlosetoCleveland.Don’tlosetoCleveland.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

My Liver: Should be an easy day. He’s got a first round bye locked up, so no elimination drink– Oh god damn you Chargers!

ThursdaySkyGoddess

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King Hippo

Riley Dixon throws a tighter spiral than Siemian or Lynch. Play fakes WAY better.

King Hippo

Fake punt WOO. No OL womp womp.

theeWeeBabySeamus

tWBS needs more chemical intervention.
– said no one ever

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Take some acylovir for your ass herpes and don’t sit on my toilet. See we do encourage chemical intervention.

King Hippo

Garbage time, Phil. Make it count for Hippo. For NC State graduate sufferers.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Now, is he the kinda sorta black one who transferred to Wisconsin?
Or is he the really giraffy white one who kinda sorta did good in TB, but wasn’t flashy enough so they drafted a rapist?
I always get confused.

King Hippo

SO MANY pro QBs, so little success on the JV pitch. Life is shit.

Old School Zero

Mike McCoy has the face of a naive golden retriever.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

BELLDOWNTROIS!!

WCS

he gude

King Hippo

Great, more Gano points.

Spur

Long snapper lives matter.

Old School Zero

I just need the Titans to put this game a bit more out of reach for the Donks and then I can switch to playing video games.

King Hippo

Oh, it’s out of range plenty.

blackroseMD1

Another Demarcodown or two would be great.

Video games seem like a good plan at this point. Think I’ll switch over myself at some point.

King Hippo

Uh…questionable decision time in Philly. Sure the Phans will understand, though.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Can some one with more sway than me ask DTZM to please change the comment system so I can tell if something is a reply?

ThursdaySkyGoddess

I’ve decided on a floating apostrophe, determined by the direction of the miss.

...

IT HAS BEEN DECREED!

Curse of Marino

Howie Long thinks David Johnson and Larrry Johnson are the same person

Spur

You don’t need rubber when you’re pussy tubing in Buffalo.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Thanks Jaguras!

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WCS

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Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

That is terrible. Nice work. I love it.

Senor Weaselo

I will be excited to see what you do when the kick is short.

...

Shan,khor.

Senor Weaselo

Baseball reference? That doesn’t matter!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wait, they’re blowing rubbers in Buffalo?
Shit, that’s what I get for watching other shit. Dammit.

Spur

I love it when DeSean plays Philly!

WCS

Having Drumpf as President is actually a neat challenge. I’ve never been continuously drunk for four straight years.

JustStopDude

Only Buffalo could fuck up an outdoor, artificial field at half time…

Spur

Bills field crew just ruin their field.

Spur
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

OMG Matt Barkley is bad. Bring back Orton, at least he had an excuse since he was drunk every game.

ThursdaySkyGoddess
...

A college of friend of mine also loved Jack and Coke and I guess he was the non-football Kyle Orton.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I had to go find this again. Old links are down

http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv274/nflperdiem/ortonjack.gif

King Hippo

I need him to throw a pick six. Can he at least fucking do that??

Col. Duke LaCross

NotGatesdown

The Maestro

did you know that antonio gates played basketball

blackroseMD1

Touch…down…Chargers?

I fell asleep, didn’t I? This is obviously a dream.

King Hippo

Wrong catchman, Phil

WCS

Umm…

http://theslot.jezebel.com/trump-says-he-doesnt-need-daily-intelligence-briefings-1789977161

Seriously, Redshirt, I’m not blaming you personally, but, in the everlovingmotherfuck did your party do?!

Old School Zero

PUTIN WINS!

FLAWLESS VICTORY!

King Hippo

STRONG LEADER, STRONG NATION! OBEDIENT WORLD!!

Spur

Well i do like vodka.

...

Pence is reading them though and he’ll be making the decisions.

That *might* make you feel better.

Curse of Marino

Good miami play? TIME FOR FLAGS

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Turned on Redzone in time to see the refs ruin the game more by calling back a legit return TD with a BS call.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Dammit Zach, that illegal block in the back really Ertz the Eagles.

King Hippo

The rules should allow one defender to flip another in an attempt to block the FG at the back of the end zone, cheerleader style.

blackroseMD1

Pretty sure Roger Goodell just fined you for having an idea that would make the game more watchable.

King Hippo

YAY, a first down so at least Gano won’t get another goddamned FG

King Hippo

JESUS CHRIST, Denver.