There are now two games left in the regular season. I have gazed lovingly into my crystal balls and they have reciprocated by shooting out some hot playoff predictions.
Before you get them on your eyes, let’s take a quick look at the standings:
NFC East | W | L | T |
DAL | 12 | 2 | 0 |
NYG | 10 | 4 | 0 |
WAS | 7 | 6 | 1 |
PHI | 5 | 9 | 0 |
NFC West | W | L | T |
---|---|---|---|
SEA | 9 | 4 | 1 |
ARI | 5 | 8 | 1 |
LA | 4 | 10 | 0 |
SF | 1 | 13 | 0 |
NFC North | W | L | T |
DET | 9 | 5 | 0 |
GB | 8 | 6 | 0 |
MIN | 7 | 7 | 0 |
CHI | 3 | 11 | 0 |
NFC South | W | L | T |
ATL | 9 | 5 | 0 |
TB | 8 | 6 | 0 |
NO | 6 | 8 | 0 |
CAR | 6 | 8 | 0 |
AFC East | W | L | T |
NE | 12 | 2 | 0 |
MIA | 9 | 5 | 0 |
BUF | 7 | 7 | 0 |
NYJ | 4 | 10 | 0 |
AFC West | W | L | T |
OAK | 11 | 3 | 0 |
KC | 10 | 4 | 0 |
DEN | 8 | 6 | 0 |
SD | 5 | 9 | 0 |
AFC North | W | L | T |
PIT | 9 | 5 | 0 |
BAL | 8 | 6 | 0 |
CIN | 5 | 8 | 1 |
CLE | 0 | 14 | 0 |
AFC South | W | L | T |
TEN | 8 | 6 | 0 |
HOU | 8 | 6 | 0 |
IND | 7 | 7 | 0 |
JAX | 2 | 12 | 0 |
Let’s break this down division by division:
AFC EAST: New England has this baby and the First Round Bye sewn up. The only remaining question is if a Bills fan will physically die in the last home game.
https://twitter.com/xmasape/status/810707801110704128
AFC WEST: The Raiders have clinched a playoff spot for the first time since they won the whole thing. Something tells me Mrs. Tikki Deadly will be very happy this week… The Chiefs will be safely in and the only question remaining is if the Broncos will lose their playoff spot to an undeserving team.
AFC NORTH: This year’s playoffs officially start next Sunday with the Steelers-Ravens game. Loser goes home. The only remaining question is if the Browns can brown their way to the hallowed 0-16. In typical Browns fashion, they can’t even win the right to be the first to accomplish this.
AFC SOUTH: Barring something completely stupid like the Bengals beating the Texans next week, Playoffs Week 2 will feature the Titans facing the Texans. Loser goes home.
NFC WEST: This baby goes to the Seahawks. The only remaining question is whether the NFL will announce the true attendance at Rams games this season. Jeff Fisher and I say no, but they’ll get leaked anyway.
NFC EAST: The Cowboys have this division wrapped up and the shitty Giants have a playoff berth wrapped up. The only question remaining is whether Jack Del Rio or Doug Pederson has a bigger set of balls. I have to say, I liked the decision. It didn’t work out, but it was the right thing to do when your team is out of it.
NFC NORTH: The only question remaining is if the Lions will complete their Romo-nesque December collapse. Aaron Rodgers and I say yes. Also, did Randall Cobb die in that garage fire at Aaron’s? He has disappeared from fantasy. It’s ok, though, I really didn’t want to win this year.
NFC SOUTH: Given how Tampa lost a winnable game to the Cowboys, the only question remaining is if the Falcons will completely shit the bed and let the Bucs back in to the playoffs. See what I did there?
COACH FIRINGS
Already, the Jaguras and Rams have given their coaches the sweet release of freedom and there are others coming. My crystal balls have something for us on this, but we’ll have to wait at least twenty minutes. In the meantime, please enjoy this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7MC8Lw5e9Q
Ok, I think the Ryan brothers get another year in Buffalo as long as no one dies in the last game.
Pederson gets another season for his nads alone.
The Jets will fire their coach if they cannot keep it close against the Pats.
The Browns will probably fire half the staff but may be stupid enough to keep the head coach. Call it 50-50.
The Chargers are talking about “rebranding” in anticipation for their move to LA. If they follow through on that, a new coach will be part of the “rebrand”.
Finally, in a major shocker, Breesus may call it a career and his coach will follow him right out the door. Call me Peter North if that one comes through.
PLAYOFF SEEDINGS
AFC
1) Patriots
2) Raiders
3) Steelers/Ravens winner (probably Steelers)
4) Titans/Texans winner (probably Titans)
5) Chiefs
6) Broncos
NFC
1) Cowboys
2) Seahawks
3) Packers or Lions (probably Packers)
4) Falcons or Bucs (probably Falcons)
5) Giants
6) Lions or Bucs (doesn’t matter as they will lose the first game. Thanks Carolina!)
If these seedings hold up, we may be looking at another Patriots-Giants Superb Owl, which may or may not be a bad thing. I’m spent and I may or may not need a nap. What say you?
With these humorous predictions, I’d be inclined to nickname this authory, Ballsy Crystal.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/c946f00dbd90e2e45f010fc1b10b70b0/tumblr_oi1qtzuxYU1s2wio8o1_1280.jpg
As a Giants fan, it looks as though I’m going to involved in many a slap fight with folks on this here blog.
/frickin’ Redacteds better not squeak into the playoffs after blowing that opportunity last night
As a Giants fan, you should know that your team sucks balls. Which naturally means you will win the Super Bowl, so Congratulations!
Ladies and gentlemen, I am considering the following if there is interest: 5 bucks plus shipping, I send you a dozen (maybe extra) of my finest homebaked wares. What say you?
Only if it’s pot brownies and you commit a felony by shipping north of the border. Otherwise, not interested.
I work for Canada Post full time (bartend part time or I would kill people). There are only dogs in Toronto, Vancouver, Montreal. Basically the international centres. So Scotchy say if I sent them to you from here (Calgaria to N. Ont) No management(me) can physically take it out of the mail, trust me harvest season in the BC interior is well known. Also we legally mail weed now as people freakout when they don’t get their medicine. So in closing, mail them, chances of getting caught is nil.
LITRE COLA IS THE SMARTEST CANADIAN EVER!
Also, when I worked in Scotland, the boys in Banff would mail me Crown Royal, Players Light, Kraft Dinner, and a half oz in the middle of a Kraft Peanut Butter Jar that had been hollowed out in the middle and resealed. Yes I would also eat the Peanut Butter as the stuff over there is awful.
Who fucks up peanut butter?
Count me in.
I meant to link this last week but … https://projects.fivethirtyeight.com/2016-nfl-predictions/
The FiveThirtyEight has added a tool to it’s probability chart so one can chose the result of upcoming games and see the new calculations.
Congrats to The Maestro for his victory over my team Speed Battle Haircut in the insanity 2 league semis, 214-210.
And fuck you Kelvin Benjamin for disappearing when I needed you to step up.
Fix yo game!
It was a bold decision for my Pigdicks to not practice or watch film or try last night.
“They still have plenty of time to come back.”
-Andy Reid
Roger Goodell is a national disgrace
Good job, Balls. The Sporting News would like to know how you came up with such insight.
It’s the early 90s techno that makes the difference.
if the Broncos will lose their playoff spot to an undeserving team
I thought the Broncos WERE an undeserving team. (Sorry, Hippo)
HEY!! Compared to fucking Miami….
So. Much. Parody!
If the Giants get in and Eli goes super saiyan and beats New England again, I might set a bunch of things on fire.