I think I have the flu. Let’s run down the checklist:
- Public school teacher in a vaccine-challenged city
- Attended niece’s 8th birthday on Saturday
- eight other sniffling kids in attendance
- Raining & cold
- Back pain
- The feeling I’m being punched in the throat
Yep – check’s out. Taking a sick day tomorrow.
NFL News:
- Old Man Coughlin is mad about the Jaguars sudden & swift demise.
- About tweaking the roster to keep what they had & improve where they needed:
- Well we tried, didn’t we? The nature of the game got us and we go back to the drawing board.
- On the lack of discipline:
- Our penalties, the way that we behave on the field is ridiculous, some of the penalties.
- On the coaching:
- [S]ometimes you fall into a pattern where it becomes kind of the thing to go, and you get away from it. There’s no doubt you have to go back and re-evaluate who you are.
- Offseason prediction:
- About tweaking the roster to keep what they had & improve where they needed:
- Crimebeat! – Settlement division:
- Jameis Winston has settled with the Uber driver he groped in 2016.
- In court filings, she was seeking damages in excess of $75,000 because of the “nature of (the) emotional distress and future therapy expenses.”
- The Rams have settled with PSL licence holders in St. Louis.
- Terms have not been disclosed, but the language in said licence possibly allowed St. Louis season-ticket holders to carry those licences over to the new Rams stadium, so it’s likely St. Louis fans were compensated their costs plus interest.
- Jameis Winston has settled with the Uber driver he groped in 2016.
- The [Redacteds] have claimed Reuben Foster off waivers.
- PFT with the HAWT TAEK: “The team is choosing winning on the field over standing on principle — primarily since teams only stand on principle when the player isn’t good enough to help them win.”
- The only thing you can’t beat in Washington is Dan Snyder’s willingness to win.
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- Sharks at Sabres – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
- Golden Knights at Blackhawks – 8:00PM | NBCSN
- NBA:
- Raptors at Grizzlies – 8:00PM | Sportsnet1
- Lakers at Nuggets – 9:00PM | TSN / NBATV
- NCAA: best options in BOLD
- Illinois at Notre Dame – 7:00PM | ESPNU
- Virginia Tech at Penn State – 7:00PM | ESPN2
- Michigan State at Louisville – 7:30PM | ESPN / TSN4
- Fairleigh Dickinson at Providence – 8:30PM | FS1
- North Carolina State at Wisconsin – 9:00PM | ESPN2
- Pittsburgh at Iowa – 9:00PM | ESPNU
- Indiana at Duke – 9:30PM | ESPN / TSN4
- WWE:
- Smackdown Live – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
GO FORTH AND COMMENTATE!
While we’re at Snow’s livetweet… THIS MAKEITSNOW I CALL HIM EVEL KINEVEL BECAUSE HE COULDN’T CLEAR THE SNAKE RIVER
So since the guy who created SpongeBob died… memorial victory screech?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdN0NXgjsn8
I’m back. And snow is what in Wyoming?
Eternal?
https://twitter.com/Trillburne/status/1067503240261054470?s=20
Yep.
Tree on tree overtime hawkee in Edmonton don’cha know, eh?
Eulers win!
better funny:
I haven’t seen any of that series, I have no clue what its about, and I still laughed out loud!
Those are blood red Christmas trees in the White House.
Red dresses with that specific cap is the uniform of the subjugated women of a Christian fundamentalist shithole successor state to a second U.S. civil war in The Handmaiden’s Tale. So, ha ha, Trump hates women so much …
.
I sometimes wonder if Melon is even more evil than Donald. She’s obviously a lot smarter than him.
I have no doubt she is.
She’s a Russian agent.
You have no idea how happy I am that Jean Claude Van Damme’s Netflix show failed so hard that he has now been reduced to doing Tostito’s commercials. It’s an added bonus that he had to dress in drag for it.
Fun fact: I worked at the hotel where he cheated on his wife in the honeymoon suite.
Which wife? The next one?
found a funny:
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
First day as a vet.
Chick at the bursar’s office: Do you have a copy of your DD-214?
Me: What the fuck is that?
Chick: No tuition discount for you!
THIS TABULA RAZA, I CALL HIM ALEXANDER HAMILTON BECAUSE HE’S GONNA PUNCH THE BURSAR.
O/U on Seamus actually using that joke?
refs giving the game to Bucky Badger, though. SO MUCH NARRATIVE.
State/Wiscy a much better hoopsball match. Shitty Wolves actually play very pretty ball this year.
So me and dad trying to watch the iu duke game, showing the end of msu and Louisville.
Louisville guy pokes msu player, draws the foul, and Louisville crowd spends the entirety of the break booing the call.
Its fucking crystal clear what the fuck happened. You may play in the state of kentucky, but you dont get to act entitled.
And fuck mitch mcconnell
You don’t have to say the last sentence. Its already assumed. I’ve hated him for years and I was a Republican then!
I’d like to see Mitch McConnell skinned alive. And I’d like to see it through the eyes of the skinner.
https://www.realtree.com/timber-2-table-articles/how-to-skin-a-snapping-turtle-the-timber2table-way
Also, I realize I left a word out:
Louisville guy blantaly poked the other player right in the eye
Me with flu or cold or sinus infection or whatever else this thing is:
Friday: “Huh, my sinuses feel clogged. I’ll get Mucinex.”
Saturday: “Still feel congested. More Mucinex.”
Sunday: “Still feel congested. More Mucinex. Also, I don’t have an appetite or thirst. That’s odd.”
Monday: “I’m coughing up phlegm after…” (hacks up phlegm) “…every fifth word but that’s…” (hacks up phlegm) “…means my sinuses are draining.” (hacks up phlegm) “Also, I still have no appetite….” (hacks up phlegm) “…or thirst. That’s really odd.” (hacks up phlegm)
Tuesday: “No change from Monday. Though…” (hacks up phlegm) “…I’m tired of people asking….” (hacks up phlegm) “….if I need to go home.” (hacks up phlegm) “I’m wearing a mask and…” (hacks up phlegm) “…and spraying Lysol where I….” (hacks up phlegm) “…go.”
Wednesday: “Okay, I feel fine, but…” (hacks up phlegm) “…I’ve lost 10 pounds. That’s….” (hacks up phlegm) “…not normal. I’ll go to the doctor.” (hacks up phlegm)
Thursday: “I have a 101.6° fever?!” (hacks up phlegm) “Huh. I didn’t notice.”
My other family with the flu or cold or sinus infection or whatever else this thing is:
All Days, All the Time: “I’M DYING!“
GO SHITTY WOLVES!!
Not so shitty right now…
tis a sliding scale…
Any chance Kaepernick geys draft in this American Alliance of Whateverthefuck?
There’s a better chance that I don’t finish my beer than that.
Bud aged in Jim Beam barrels? The only worse decision than that was drafting Christian Hackenberg.
Was a boilermaker that hard to make?
“Nope!”
–Indiana Cousins whose kid got into Purdue
Hackenberg to Memphis!
Not aged in barrels but aged ON real barrel staves. Basically they tossed some wood into the metal vats.
Having just seen that commercial again, the “aged ON Jim Beam barrels” sounds markedly close, but you are correct.
I’m devastated I won’t be able to keep following makeitsnow’s Oregon Trail livetweet for the next few hours while I’m flying. I’m heartened by the fact he won’t even make it 1/10th of the way before I land.
Are you flying in a biplane? Get some GoGo!
$29.95 for internet that doesn’t work? What a steal!
THIS MAKEITSNOW OREGON TRAIL PARTY I CALL THEM STAR TREK REDSHIRTS BECAUSE THEY’LL ALL BE DEAD, JIM.
Ain’t no party like a makeitsnow Oregon Trail party because a makeitsnow Oregon Trail party stops a lot on account of how many anvils it’s carrying.
Yeah, I’d set the over/under on that crew at Salt Lake City, then take the under and count my money.
Here we are so far,
San Diego Fleet protects: Josh Johnson
Atlanta Legends protects: Aaron Murray
Memphis Express protects: Troy Cook
San Antonio Commanders protects: Dustin Vaughan
Birmingham Iron picks: Luis Perez
Arizona Hotshots picks: Trevor Knight
Orlando Apollos picks: Garrett Gilbert
Salt Lake Stallions picks: Josh Woodrum
San Diego Fleet picks: Mike Bercovici
Birmingham Iron picks: Blake Sims
Arizona Hotshots picks: John Wolford
Orlando Apollos picks: Stephen Morris
I can’t think of a much better punishment for Trent Dilfer than having to cover and feign interest in the AAF Draft.
Oh it is wonderful. He can stick his smugness about his ring up his ass.
I can only guess that they’re called the Memphis Express because Fedex has a huge hub at the local airport and tossed ’em a few bucks. The Memphis Elvises probably violates a trademark or the estate wanted too much for it.
I had high hopes for the Memphis Jakovasaurs.
Hotshots is by far the worst name.
Eh
-Houston Texans
Eh, what?
SUPER fucked up: we only know what hit shots are because 19 of ‘em died in a fire a few years back.
The fuck is a “Josh Woodrum?”
MIke Bercovici to San Diego! Dude went to ASU and now San Diego, he has had a tough life.
EYYYYY, YOU GODDA PROBLEM WITH DAT?
Sorry Mr LCSS, I will get back to stealing parking meters for you.
ATSA MY BOY!
Dude!
He better be ready for some sick, low-key kickbacks in OB.
This just in from the Edmonton hockey barn: “Upon review this play is not reviewable. No goal.”
That’s My Oilers? Do I smell a spinoff?
For me to do it would have to be “Dat’s My Ice Cowboys!”
Now there’s a hootchy-koo dancin’ broad. No six-pack abs, no tattoos, just a whole lotta shakin’ goin’ on. Gimme a fuckin’ drink!
LIKE GOD INTENDED!!
The American Alliance draft for qb’s is right now and from what I see Josh Johnson was picked 1st or retained or something. These rules of the draft seem strange due to the geographic thing with this league.
These are the coaches? This is already fantastic. Does Singletary have to coach with or without pants?
That QB depth of Scott Tolzien and Matt Simms at QB really screams EXCITEMENT!
HOW IS HUE JACKSON NOT YET A COACH IN THIS LEAGUE?
Hey, they may be a new league but they do have standards.
MARC TRESTMAN IS AVAILABLE
…for kids parties.
HE HAS A VAN
Melanin level
Singletary coaches buck naked except for a big ol’ cross around his neck.
Woooo, go Fleet! Who knows where they’re going to play, since the city in tearing down Jack Murphy to expand SDSU’s campus, but whatever!
They’ll move the team to Carson in 2020.
I read Birmingham Iron and the snarky part of my brain said “That’s dumb. it should be ‘Birmingham Steel’.” Then the rational part said “No, drunkass, you’re thinking of ‘Bethlehem Steel’.” Then snarky part said “Yeah? Whatever … Fuck you.” and finished a glass of Bourble and poured another.
Either way. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birmingham_Steel_Corporation
It would also work if it was Birmingham, England.
Eggball question: Would 38 year old Eli be an upgrade over big bad Blake Bottles?
Yes
Disagree. Eli is done. Bortles is shitty but marginally better. Both suck and they could upgrade with a lot of guys not named Nathan Peterman.
Apparently it’s breakup season. Eldest Nephewzilla broke up with his girlfriend of 2.5 years and a good friend of mine just left/moved out of her fianceé’s place.
So, tomorrow I mend Nephewzilla’s heart over beers and the weekend, friendzilla’s.
Holidays are particularly dangerous for relationships as the word “family” gets intensified and serious soul-searching takes place.
/searches for soul
//comes up empty
///orders beer
Probably should have gone with soul food.
Just in time to avoid buying Xmas presents! Good job and beers for all.
Apparently Sister Jean is still alive. I was under the impression I didn’t have to care until March if at all.
So I’m still visiting at my mom’s house, which my parents bought when I was one year old. It’s like a museum of my life when I find what’s stored away in various places.
Beerguyrob will appreciate this shirt I bought at a concert a while back:
That is absolutely superb. How was the show?
It was great! There’s no place to get stoned and watch a show quite like the Capitol Centre, which no longer exists. The home of “Heavy Metal Parking Lot.”
I can’t believe how small it is. I was a skinny kid back then.
Fan-fucking-tastic!
Probably unusable as a Christmas caroling song (not LDB obviously)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qepCaKQOLjg
From Dec. 1-25, I watch at least one Christmas movie or Christmas themed episode a day. Usually this episode makes the cut
Tarantino should pitch a claymation re-make of Raging Bull.
With anthropomorphic bulls
Geezth you arre justh baking up curds like that now.
-E. Smiff
A hearty fuck you to timbers or whatever in the Denver airport for forcing Christmas music on me when I just want to get home.
I am still alive for the LDB challenge, but this is pressing my luck
I got asked if I could come up with some stuff for my school’s caroling day, which is a day I don’t normally come in. I’m probably boned.
5 minutes after walking into work this morning.
Still good over here, but the season is picking up.
I could beat Kavanaugh at Devil’s Triangle.
Rudolph is on. In case you’re so worried.
I may be an adult, but I will watch the shit out of the classics every time they are on. Also:
Me too.
“I’d rather hang myself than watch that again.”
-Rudolph H., Spandau Prison
Deep cut.
Crushing
My favourite reindeer is Olive
Mine is Pasta. Had a great reindeer pasta when I worked in Lake Louise. Sublime.
I love using the excuse that the cat is comfortably laying on my chest as an excuse to not move or do anything for the next hour.
/Doesn’t even own a cat
The ole red panda stand off. If I had a nickel.
/adjusts onion on belt
//check to see how many bees in his pocket.
End of the month is a motherfucker.
Mrs. Sharkbait and I are discussing having tiny humans sooner rather than later. Showed her the banner image. She finds it amusing, and also horrifying.
“Amusing” and “Horrifying” pretty much sums up the entire experience of having little ones.
Especially when it’s diaper changing time.
I’ve no idea how I changed feces-infested diapers back in the day. I simply can’t do it now without vomiting. But I did it back then.
It’s amazing how quickly the human brain can just disregard disgust when necessity appears.
No kidding. Strong bad smells usually make me run away. With Decilitre I am a fucking NASCAR pit crew.
“Yes, more Sharkbait please!” – sharks
I’m calling out the folks at Aveeno-
Jenny Aniston’s eyes aren’t that blue.
Maybe she has cataracts.
She has eyes?
h
ttps://i.pixxxels.cc/MGtRFGSm/Jennifer-Aniston-Toplesss-Nipple.jpg
Is that reall?
Yes. I’ve seen enough people explain how real it is (she was filmed topless for some romcom and the video was cropped, but something something … Ooops) to believe it.
FUCK YOU!
— Every lawyer
Major entertainment option (inadvertently) omitted from tonight’s listings:
The annual makeitsnow live tweet of Oregon Trail
https://twitter.com/makeitsnowondem/status/1067572888289472512?s=19
Spoilers: They all gonna die.
If I’m not informed, I can’t include it.
Hence the inadvertent
(I also just learned)
[picks up O-lineman Ereck Flowers on waivers from the Giants]
[picks up O-lineman Pat Omameh on waivers from the Giants]
Sometimes you fall into a pattern
-Tom Coughlin
Eli to semi-retire in lovely Florida?
Just kidding — Florida can go to hell.
[looks around]
“Wait, how do I…go…to a place that I already am?”
– Florida
May be an evergreen comment but fuck Dan Snyder
I like to think of it as a fine-aged wine.
And Roger Goodell is a national disgrace.
I just told a visiting elementary school teacher to (jokingly) get out of my classroom because – thanks to where she works – she’s been exposed to whooping measels and chicken polio and is now trying to kill all of us as well.
One of my coworkers and I went to lunch today, and I rediscovered the amazingly hilarious marketing efforts of our statewide lowww cost auto insurance company, Fiesta Auto.
The logo itself isn’t sure why you’re here either, as if to say, “What did you expect?” when you go to file a claim. Their mascot is named Max, presumably based on the SAVINGS you’ll get, and they have a guy in a bird suit out in front of most locations twirling a sign. But the true prize is this (likely intern created) television commercial from 2014. [Kisses fingers] Magnifico.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPjdTBZcRYU
Send that Drew’s for the Bad Local Ad of the Week in Thursday’s Jamberoo!
But that’s a great local ad!
I love that new bit by Magary.
Who the fuck files a claim? The whole point is to check off that you have car insurance. Not to actually be insured.
“You can stick them in your mouth?”
— M. Lewinsky
Burying the lede is that she a Mrs. at 16.
That featured image is fucking hilarious. Well done.