Your “Oh God, I’m Dying A Death” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

I think I have the flu. Let’s run down the checklist:

  • Public school teacher in a vaccine-challenged city
  • Attended niece’s 8th birthday on Saturday
    • eight other sniffling kids in attendance
  • Raining & cold
  • Back pain
  • The feeling I’m being punched in the throat

Yep – check’s out. Taking a sick day tomorrow.

NFL News:

  • Old Man Coughlin is mad about the Jaguars sudden & swift demise.
    • About tweaking the roster to keep what they had & improve where they needed:
      • Well we tried, didn’t we? The nature of the game got us and we go back to the drawing board.
    • On the lack of discipline:
      • Our penalties, the way that we behave on the field is ridiculous, some of the penalties.
    • On the coaching:
      • [S]ometimes you fall into a pattern where it becomes kind of the thing to go, and you get away from it. There’s no doubt you have to go back and re-evaluate who you are.
    • Offseason prediction:

  • Crimebeat! – Settlement division:
    • Jameis Winston has settled with the Uber driver he groped in 2016.
      • In court filings, she was seeking damages in excess of $75,000 because of the “nature of (the) emotional distress and future therapy expenses.”
    • The Rams have settled with PSL licence holders in St. Louis.
      • Terms have not been disclosed, but the language in said licence possibly allowed St. Louis season-ticket holders to carry those licences over to the new Rams stadium, so it’s likely St. Louis fans were compensated their costs plus interest.
  • The [Redacteds] have claimed Reuben Foster off waivers.
    • PFT with the HAWT TAEK: “The team is choosing winning on the field over standing on principle — primarily since teams only stand on principle when the player isn’t good enough to help them win.”
    • The only thing you can’t beat in Washington is Dan Snyder’s willingness to win.

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Sharks at Sabres – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Golden Knights at Blackhawks – 8:00PM | NBCSN
  • NBA:
    • Raptors at Grizzlies – 8:00PM | Sportsnet1
    • Lakers at Nuggets – 9:00PM | TSN / NBATV
  • NCAA: best options in BOLD
    • Illinois at Notre Dame – 7:00PM | ESPNU
    • Virginia Tech at Penn State – 7:00PM | ESPN2
    • Michigan State at Louisville – 7:30PM | ESPN / TSN4
    • Fairleigh Dickinson at Providence – 8:30PM | FS1
    • North Carolina State at Wisconsin – 9:00PM | ESPN2
    • Pittsburgh at Iowa – 9:00PM | ESPNU
    • Indiana at Duke – 9:30PM | ESPN / TSN4
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown Live – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

GO FORTH AND COMMENTATE!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighSenor WeaseloBrettFavresColonoscopyblaxabbathSpanky Datass Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

While we’re at Snow’s livetweet… THIS MAKEITSNOW I CALL HIM EVEL KINEVEL BECAUSE HE COULDN’T CLEAR THE SNAKE RIVER

Senor Weaselo

So since the guy who created SpongeBob died… memorial victory screech?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m back. And snow is what in Wyoming?

Senor Weaselo

Eternal?

blaxabbath
Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Tree on tree overtime hawkee in Edmonton don’cha know, eh?

Senor Weaselo

Eulers win!comment image

rockingdog
rockingdog

better funny:comment image

Redshirt

I haven’t seen any of that series, I have no clue what its about, and I still laughed out loud!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Those are blood red Christmas trees in the White House.

Red dresses with that specific cap is the uniform of the subjugated women of a Christian fundamentalist shithole successor state to a second U.S. civil war in The Handmaiden’s Tale. So, ha ha, Trump hates women so much …

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I sometimes wonder if Melon is even more evil than Donald. She’s obviously a lot smarter than him.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I have no doubt she is.

blaxabbath

She’s a Russian agent.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

You have no idea how happy I am that Jean Claude Van Damme’s Netflix show failed so hard that he has now been reduced to doing Tostito’s commercials. It’s an added bonus that he had to dress in drag for it.

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Fun fact: I worked at the hotel where he cheated on his wife in the honeymoon suite.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Which wife? The next one?

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

First day as a vet.
Chick at the bursar’s office: Do you have a copy of your DD-214?
Me: What the fuck is that?
Chick: No tuition discount for you!

Senor Weaselo

THIS TABULA RAZA, I CALL HIM ALEXANDER HAMILTON BECAUSE HE’S GONNA PUNCH THE BURSAR.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

O/U on Seamus actually using that joke?

King Hippo

refs giving the game to Bucky Badger, though. SO MUCH NARRATIVE.

King Hippo

State/Wiscy a much better hoopsball match. Shitty Wolves actually play very pretty ball this year.

Brocky

So me and dad trying to watch the iu duke game, showing the end of msu and Louisville.

Louisville guy pokes msu player, draws the foul, and Louisville crowd spends the entirety of the break booing the call.

Its fucking crystal clear what the fuck happened. You may play in the state of kentucky, but you dont get to act entitled.

And fuck mitch mcconnell

Redshirt

You don’t have to say the last sentence. Its already assumed. I’ve hated him for years and I was a Republican then!

blaxabbath

I’d like to see Mitch McConnell skinned alive. And I’d like to see it through the eyes of the skinner.

Brocky

Also, I realize I left a word out:

Louisville guy blantaly poked the other player right in the eye

Redshirt

Me with flu or cold or sinus infection or whatever else this thing is:

Friday: “Huh, my sinuses feel clogged. I’ll get Mucinex.”

Saturday: “Still feel congested. More Mucinex.”

Sunday: “Still feel congested. More Mucinex. Also, I don’t have an appetite or thirst. That’s odd.”

Monday: “I’m coughing up phlegm after…” (hacks up phlegm) “…every fifth word but that’s…” (hacks up phlegm) “…means my sinuses are draining.” (hacks up phlegm) “Also, I still have no appetite….” (hacks up phlegm) “…or thirst. That’s really odd.” (hacks up phlegm)

Tuesday: “No change from Monday. Though…” (hacks up phlegm) “…I’m tired of people asking….” (hacks up phlegm) “….if I need to go home.” (hacks up phlegm) “I’m wearing a mask and…” (hacks up phlegm) “…and spraying Lysol where I….” (hacks up phlegm) “…go.”

Wednesday: “Okay, I feel fine, but…” (hacks up phlegm) “…I’ve lost 10 pounds. That’s….” (hacks up phlegm) “…not normal. I’ll go to the doctor.” (hacks up phlegm)

Thursday: “I have a 101.6° fever?!” (hacks up phlegm) “Huh. I didn’t notice.”

My other family with the flu or cold or sinus infection or whatever else this thing is:

All Days, All the Time: “I’M DYING!

King Hippo

GO SHITTY WOLVES!!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Not so shitty right now…

King Hippo

tis a sliding scale…

Horatio Cornblower

Any chance Kaepernick geys draft in this American Alliance of Whateverthefuck?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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There’s a better chance that I don’t finish my beer than that.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Bud aged in Jim Beam barrels? The only worse decision than that was drafting Christian Hackenberg.

Sharkbait

Was a boilermaker that hard to make?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Nope!”
–Indiana Cousins whose kid got into Purdue

litre_cola

Hackenberg to Memphis!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Not aged in barrels but aged ON real barrel staves. Basically they tossed some wood into the metal vats.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Having just seen that commercial again, the “aged ON Jim Beam barrels” sounds markedly close, but you are correct.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m devastated I won’t be able to keep following makeitsnow’s Oregon Trail livetweet for the next few hours while I’m flying. I’m heartened by the fact he won’t even make it 1/10th of the way before I land.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Are you flying in a biplane? Get some GoGo!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

$29.95 for internet that doesn’t work? What a steal!

Senor Weaselo

THIS MAKEITSNOW OREGON TRAIL PARTY I CALL THEM STAR TREK REDSHIRTS BECAUSE THEY’LL ALL BE DEAD, JIM.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ain’t no party like a makeitsnow Oregon Trail party because a makeitsnow Oregon Trail party stops a lot on account of how many anvils it’s carrying.

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, I’d set the over/under on that crew at Salt Lake City, then take the under and count my money.

litre_cola

Here we are so far,

San Diego Fleet protects: Josh Johnson
Atlanta Legends protects: Aaron Murray
Memphis Express protects: Troy Cook
San Antonio Commanders protects: Dustin Vaughan
Birmingham Iron picks: Luis Perez
Arizona Hotshots picks: Trevor Knight
Orlando Apollos picks: Garrett Gilbert
Salt Lake Stallions picks: Josh Woodrum

San Diego Fleet picks: Mike Bercovici
Birmingham Iron picks: Blake Sims
Arizona Hotshots picks: John Wolford
Orlando Apollos picks: Stephen Morris

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I can’t think of a much better punishment for Trent Dilfer than having to cover and feign interest in the AAF Draft.

litre_cola

Oh it is wonderful. He can stick his smugness about his ring up his ass.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I can only guess that they’re called the Memphis Express because Fedex has a huge hub at the local airport and tossed ’em a few bucks. The Memphis Elvises probably violates a trademark or the estate wanted too much for it.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I had high hopes for the Memphis Jakovasaurs.

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litre_cola

Hotshots is by far the worst name.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Eh
-Houston Texans

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Eh, what?

blaxabbath

SUPER fucked up: we only know what hit shots are because 19 of ‘em died in a fire a few years back.

Col. Duke LaCross

The fuck is a “Josh Woodrum?”

litre_cola

MIke Bercovici to San Diego! Dude went to ASU and now San Diego, he has had a tough life.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

EYYYYY, YOU GODDA PROBLEM WITH DAT?

litre_cola

Sorry Mr LCSS, I will get back to stealing parking meters for you.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

ATSA MY BOY!

rockingdog
rockingdog

Dude!
He better be ready for some sick, low-key kickbacks in OB.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

This just in from the Edmonton hockey barn: “Upon review this play is not reviewable. No goal.”

Sharkbait

That’s My Oilers? Do I smell a spinoff?

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

For me to do it would have to be “Dat’s My Ice Cowboys!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Now there’s a hootchy-koo dancin’ broad. No six-pack abs, no tattoos, just a whole lotta shakin’ goin’ on. Gimme a fuckin’ drink!

ballsofsteelandfury

LIKE GOD INTENDED!!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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litre_cola

The American Alliance draft for qb’s is right now and from what I see Josh Johnson was picked 1st or retained or something. These rules of the draft seem strange due to the geographic thing with this league.

litre_cola

the Arizona Hotshots (coached by Rick Neuheisel), Atlanta Legends (Brad Childress), Birmingham Iron (Tim Lewis), Memphis Express (Mike Singletary), Orlando Apollos (Steve Spurrier), Salt Lake Stallions (Dennis Erickson), San Antonio Express (Mike Riley) and San Diego Fleet (Mike Martz)

These are the coaches? This is already fantastic. Does Singletary have to coach with or without pants?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

That QB depth of Scott Tolzien and Matt Simms at QB really screams EXCITEMENT!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

HOW IS HUE JACKSON NOT YET A COACH IN THIS LEAGUE?

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Hey, they may be a new league but they do have standards.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

MARC TRESTMAN IS AVAILABLE

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

…for kids parties.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

HE HAS A VAN

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Melanin level

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Singletary coaches buck naked except for a big ol’ cross around his neck.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Woooo, go Fleet! Who knows where they’re going to play, since the city in tearing down Jack Murphy to expand SDSU’s campus, but whatever!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

They’ll move the team to Carson in 2020.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

I read Birmingham Iron and the snarky part of my brain said “That’s dumb. it should be ‘Birmingham Steel’.” Then the rational part said “No, drunkass, you’re thinking of ‘Bethlehem Steel’.” Then snarky part said “Yeah? Whatever … Fuck you.” and finished a glass of Bourble and poured another.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It would also work if it was Birmingham, England.

Wakezilla

Eggball question: Would 38 year old Eli be an upgrade over big bad Blake Bottles?

ballsofsteelandfury

Yes

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Disagree. Eli is done. Bortles is shitty but marginally better. Both suck and they could upgrade with a lot of guys not named Nathan Peterman.

Wakezilla

Apparently it’s breakup season. Eldest Nephewzilla broke up with his girlfriend of 2.5 years and a good friend of mine just left/moved out of her fianceé’s place.

So, tomorrow I mend Nephewzilla’s heart over beers and the weekend, friendzilla’s.

ballsofsteelandfury

Holidays are particularly dangerous for relationships as the word “family” gets intensified and serious soul-searching takes place.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/searches for soul
//comes up empty
///orders beer

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Probably should have gone with soul food.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Just in time to avoid buying Xmas presents! Good job and beers for all.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Apparently Sister Jean is still alive. I was under the impression I didn’t have to care until March if at all.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

So I’m still visiting at my mom’s house, which my parents bought when I was one year old. It’s like a museum of my life when I find what’s stored away in various places.

Beerguyrob will appreciate this shirt I bought at a concert a while back:

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litre_cola

That is absolutely superb. How was the show?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

It was great! There’s no place to get stoned and watch a show quite like the Capitol Centre, which no longer exists. The home of “Heavy Metal Parking Lot.”

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I can’t believe how small it is. I was a skinny kid back then.

Senor Weaselo

Probably unusable as a Christmas caroling song (not LDB obviously)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

From Dec. 1-25, I watch at least one Christmas movie or Christmas themed episode a day. Usually this episode makes the cut

scotchnaut

Tarantino should pitch a claymation re-make of Raging Bull.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

With anthropomorphic bulls

litre_cola

Geezth you arre justh baking up curds like that now.

-E. Smiff

BrettFavresColonoscopy

A hearty fuck you to timbers or whatever in the Denver airport for forcing Christmas music on me when I just want to get home.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I am still alive for the LDB challenge, but this is pressing my luck

Senor Weaselo

I got asked if I could come up with some stuff for my school’s caroling day, which is a day I don’t normally come in. I’m probably boned.

Sharkbait

5 minutes after walking into work this morning.
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litre_cola

Still good over here, but the season is picking up.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The only thing you can’t beat in Washington is Dan Snyder’s willingness to win.

I could beat Kavanaugh at Devil’s Triangle.

Senor Weaselo

Rudolph is on. In case you’re so worried.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

I may be an adult, but I will watch the shit out of the classics every time they are on. Also:
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Me too.

scotchnaut

“I’d rather hang myself than watch that again.”

-Rudolph H., Spandau Prison

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Deep cut.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Crushing

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Game Time Decision

My favourite reindeer is Olive

litre_cola

Mine is Pasta. Had a great reindeer pasta when I worked in Lake Louise. Sublime.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love using the excuse that the cat is comfortably laying on my chest as an excuse to not move or do anything for the next hour.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

/Doesn’t even own a cat

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

The ole red panda stand off. If I had a nickel.

/adjusts onion on belt

//check to see how many bees in his pocket.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

End of the month is a motherfucker.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Sharkbait

Mrs. Sharkbait and I are discussing having tiny humans sooner rather than later. Showed her the banner image. She finds it amusing, and also horrifying.

scotchnaut

“Amusing” and “Horrifying” pretty much sums up the entire experience of having little ones.

WCS

Especially when it’s diaper changing time.

scotchnaut

I’ve no idea how I changed feces-infested diapers back in the day. I simply can’t do it now without vomiting. But I did it back then.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s amazing how quickly the human brain can just disregard disgust when necessity appears.

litre_cola

No kidding. Strong bad smells usually make me run away. With Decilitre I am a fucking NASCAR pit crew.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Yes, more Sharkbait please!” – sharks

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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scotchnaut

I’m calling out the folks at Aveeno-

Jenny Aniston’s eyes aren’t that blue.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Maybe she has cataracts.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

She has eyes?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

h

ttps://i.pixxxels.cc/MGtRFGSm/Jennifer-Aniston-Toplesss-Nipple.jpg

ballsofsteelandfury

Is that reall?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Yes. I’ve seen enough people explain how real it is (she was filmed topless for some romcom and the video was cropped, but something something … Ooops) to believe it.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Major entertainment option (inadvertently) omitted from tonight’s listings:

The annual makeitsnow live tweet of Oregon Trail

https://twitter.com/makeitsnowondem/status/1067572888289472512?s=19

Senor Weaselo

Spoilers: They all gonna die.

scotchnaut

[picks up O-lineman Ereck Flowers on waivers from the Giants]

[picks up O-lineman Pat Omameh on waivers from the Giants]

Sometimes you fall into a pattern

-Tom Coughlin

blaxabbath

Eli to semi-retire in lovely Florida?

Just kidding — Florida can go to hell.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[looks around]

“Wait, how do I…go…to a place that I already am?”

– Florida

BrettFavresColonoscopy

May be an evergreen comment but fuck Dan Snyder

blaxabbath

I like to think of it as a fine-aged wine.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

And Roger Goodell is a national disgrace.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

One of my coworkers and I went to lunch today, and I rediscovered the amazingly hilarious marketing efforts of our statewide lowww cost auto insurance company, Fiesta Auto.
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The logo itself isn’t sure why you’re here either, as if to say, “What did you expect?” when you go to file a claim. Their mascot is named Max, presumably based on the SAVINGS you’ll get, and they have a guy in a bird suit out in front of most locations twirling a sign. But the true prize is this (likely intern created) television commercial from 2014. [Kisses fingers] Magnifico.

WCS

Send that Drew’s for the Bad Local Ad of the Week in Thursday’s Jamberoo!

Senor Weaselo

But that’s a great local ad!

litre_cola

I love that new bit by Magary.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Who the fuck files a claim? The whole point is to check off that you have car insurance. Not to actually be insured.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

“You can stick them in your mouth?”
— M. Lewinsky

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Wakezilla

That featured image is fucking hilarious. Well done.