Your “Seven Games a-Swimming!” [I Got Nothing For Xmas References] Saturday Afternoon NFL Open Thread

If you try real hard you can pretend that all of these games have playoff implications because everyone is in until they’re not, right? [deliberately ignores San Diego/Cleveland matchup for the sake of argument] Oh, what do you care at this point? You’ve no time to read this. You’ve got (ugh!) friends and (ugh!) family to spend valuable time with. They won’t be around forever even though it seems that way after a day or two in close quarters. You’re probably out there right now, blissfully gallivanting around the shopping-crazy masses, taking in the smells of the season. The body odor of the developmentally-challenged Salvation Army volunteer inside my liquor store is a personal favourite. You’re probably as fully-immersed in the season as the cashier at my supermarket that had her nails done to look like candy canes. The worn-three-days-a-year reindeer antler earrings are a cheeky accoutrement I must say. If she would only pack my groceries faster! That’s pretty much my only Christmas wish… TO THE GAMES!

Mia/Buf-For a team that has somehow won 8 of their last 9, Miami hasn’t garnered much media attention. HC Gase is my sneaky AFC Coach of the Year pick. That guy has done something with nothing and deserves at least one tepid accolade. It looks as though qb Taylor is not long for Buffalo-if the team picks up his option in March he gets a guaranteed (over two years) 30 million right in the old ABM. That’s not going to happen. John Clayton surmises that the Bills will take a run at The Giraffe-Mike Glennon. Oh to be able to make African savanna-related jokes again! Make it so Buffalo.

Atl/Car-Helmets off to Matthew Ice and his 4,336 yards tossed to date-that’s with only 7 Int’s accompanying them. The Falcons put 48 points up on the Panthers in October prompting more folks than just me to wonder, “what the heck is wrong with Carolina?”. Turns out it was everything. Te Olsen needs a mere 8 yards to become the only one of his kind to record 3 straight 1,000+ seasons. That can’t be right. [looks at career stats of Kellen Winslow Sr and Antonio Gates] Huh. Good on you Greg.

Was/Chi-The ‘Dacteds have stumbled down the stretch in losing 3 of their last 4. That means they’ve also been bumped by both Tampa and Green Bay in the waiting line for the last wild card spot. They’ll no doubt get better vs. the Bears-when Chicago players maintain that they’ll “leave everything on the field” it simply means that they won’t be picking up their droppings.

NYJ/NE-All you need to know about this game is that Gillette has been re-named “Free Candy Inside” Stadium. Poor stinking Jets.

Ten/Jax-Will the Jags wake up under the leadership of interim HC Doug Marrone the same way that the Bills didn’t? The Narcolepsy Gods shout a definitive “NO!’ That suits the Titans just fine-if they win this one and the next they’ll almost certainly transform themselves into an easy out come playoff time.

Min/GB-This tilt is the old “two teams going in opposite directions” tale. The Vikes are bleeding heavily, having lost 7 of 9 while the Pack have won 4 straight. With a Lions loss to Dallas likely, Green Bay needs to cash in here so they can have a tete-a-tete with Detroit next week for the NFC North title. That’d be quite a turnaround from their dead-in-the-melted-cheese-water 4-6 status after week 10.

SD/Cle-The Chargers have lost seven games after being ahead in the fourth. Can they do it again against the Browns? If so, that would be remarkable for a few different reasons-none of which are good.

As always, check in just to say hello if you have other obligations at this oh-so-busy time of year. Some of us hard-core fellas will keep you company if you so wish. GET GOING, TYPERS!!!