Merry Christmas everyone! Even if you don’t celebrate the occasion it IS Christmas Day and if nothing else you probably have the day off. So YAY! Let’s drink things!

Before we got started on today’s recipe I wanted to welcome you back to a new season of Sunday Gravy! This year I once again promise to come up with a new menu item for each post and I plan on challenging the fuck out of myself by creating menus that are “new to me” too. It should be a goddamn hootenanny!

I couldn’t resist doing a Sunday Gravy for Christmas and I’ve got some real traditional shit to drop on all of you. There may not be an additional Sunday Gravy until just before the Superb Owl but I do promise to make it a regular feature again starting in February.

So! You did it! You made it to December 25th. You survived the stores, the malls, the Amazon deliveries, the goddamn car and jewelry commercials, the fucking cold. Now it’s time to relax, watch a couple of games, if you have friends and family over maybe do a gift exchange and a holiday meal. I wanted to get today’s recipe up in case you are doing a New Year’s Eve get together because it would rock everybody’s fucking balls, even the ladies!

Wait! Why the fuck am I so festive? Haven’t I expressed my true hatred for the commercialization and the bastardizing of this season in the past?

What am I some fucking Scrooge on Christmas morning sporting a brand new “I love Christmas again” boner?

Kind of but not really.

I still absolutely loathe the commercialization and the fucking insane people who shop at fucking Walmart and the goddamn commercials.

I’ve said this about 278 times but how anyone can watch TV without the use of a DVR to fast forward past every fucking commercial is beyond me. Christ, they are fucking unbearable. They force even the vaguest Christmas reference into every goddamn ad possible. “Whether you are naughty or nice come down to our Winter…” Fuck you in the frosty bunghole you unimaginative cockswaddlers. Fuck you.

There, I feel better.

So what’s changed in me over the past few years?

Honestly? My grandkids.

When my two daughters had grown up and started lives of their own Christmas was simply a reason to get together, have a kickass meal, have a bunch of drinks and usually break out some cards and play some goddamn poker. Gifts were not usually involved because it was added expense for everyone. Fuck ’em, let them buy their own shit. They have jobs.

Then granddaughter one came into the world. A few years later here came granddaughter two (AKA The Wahini) and this year we welcomed the third grandbaby, youngest right’s first and well fuckin’ A man! We’re doing the old fashioned Christmas shit all over again. Without a fucking tree though.

Fuck those trees man.

We do have about 5,000 lights all over the damn place though.

As I get older and more senile I realize that Christmas is for the kids. And the food. And the drinking. It’s not about buoying the economy, it’s not about being the first in line at a sale so you can buy some more shit you don’t need and it’s sure as fuck not about a Lexus with a motherfucking bow on it.

Fuck no.

It’s about family being together.

So that’s what brings us here today. I am going to go about as traditional as a motherfucker can go.

Today we will be having Prime rib roast and Yorkshire pudding! And drinks. Many, many drinks.

I’m certain everyone has their own holiday traditions. Mine have adapted a little over the years. When my girls were younger I would cook whatever the hell they wanted for dinner regardless of the absurdity or the work involved. I ain’t doing that shit no more because that shit was crazy and a lot of work. One year we had jerk chicken, baked ziti and fried chicken. That’s ridiculous.

A few of the stranger things that have survived to become tradition are…

Ready for this weirdness?

Pizza rolls! Usually a couple of boxes. Have you tried these abominations with a shot of Sriracha? Jesus it’s as tasty as it is bad for your goddamn colon.

In addition we always have a box of:

That goes back to my childhood. They are still kind of tasty with a beer or 7. And you have to top your crackers with some…

Squeezy cheese! You put a dollop of this shit on one of those crackers and you will have a sodium explosion that would give your cardiologist his very own fucking heart attack.

Now in addition I purchase 3 or 4 top shelf cheeses and let the kids have the sodium bomb. This year I’m having an aged cheddar, a nice gouda and some brie. We also usually have some of these around…

All of these are “reveries” to quote Westworld, of an earlier time. As kids, my brothers and I would have certain things we liked, like the above mentioned horrors, that became traditions that we passed on to our kids. I don’t recommend all of them but they are our traditions.

If we are going to have this kind of crap around we better also have some real goddamn food to take away some of the guilt. And guess who gets to do the cooking?

Goddamn right!

So let’s get in there and get bloody!

First off while this is a “showpiece” dinner and a glorious meal, in all honesty it’s easy as fuck to do. I’ve got a couple of tricks to show you and if followed properly you’re gonna be a goddamn hero after serving this meal.

A goddamn star!

Rib Roast!

1 large slab of bone in rib roast. Today it’s a 5 pounder.

Tablespoon of salt

Tablespoon of freshly ground black pepper

Seasoning of choice. Today I used about a tablespoon of “essence” – we’ve had the essence conversation before

Some fresh rosemary – directly from my herb garden

5-6 cloves of garlic, whole but peeled.

*optional 1 pound of hamburger for the sissy marys who can’t handle medium rare. I’ll be fucked if I’m cooking this shit to well done.

Mix the salt, pepper, seasoning of choice and the parsley.

Using a small paring knife make slits in the fatty side of the roast and insert the garlic cloves. It should look something like this.

Preheat your oven to 375. Make sure the roast comes up to room temperature before cooking. I left it out for about an hour.

Once the garlic has been inserted, rub that damn roast down with the spice mixture.

If you own a badass roasting pan, like I do of course, this is a perfect application for it.

Slap this tasty looking bitch into the preheated oven and roast for 1 hour. Now super important trick here, turn the oven off and let the roast sit inside WITHOUT OPENING THE OVEN DOOR for 3 goddamn hours. That’s fucking right 3 goddamn hours. After the 3 hours are up reheat the oven to 375 and roast for about 25 minutes more. Remove the roast from the oven, cover with a foil tent and let rest for about 15 minutes.

Three hours.

/looks at clock

Shit. Um, yeah! Let’s make some horseradish sauce!

Couple of tablespoons of prepared horseradish.

I tablespoon of heavy cream – yes, you can use sour cream or even mayo if you want to cut down the horseradish bite. Not me though I love that shit hot.

Mix together, cover and refrigerate.

I love horseradish and all of it’s relatives. Wasabi? Fuck yes! Hot Chinese mustard? Over here! Anything that blows the sinuses up and brings me to tears is a welcome addition. If you’ve watched any food travel shows you’ve probably seen a spot about Philippe’s in downtown L.A. Home of the original french dip. I love this spot. Mostly because the make the best “burn the hairs right out of your nose” hot mustard. That shit is fucking delicious.

Well, that took 15 minutes.

Oh! Wash your dishes from the preparation. You have no excuses.

You can also watch Goodfellas, take a nap, jerk off (twice!), read a couple of chapters of a good book, prepare the dinner table for the guests, watch a prerecorded NFL game and fast forward through all of the commercials. Tend your herb garden. Brush those little seeds on your brand new Chia Pet.

But one thing you can NOT do is open the goddamn oven door. That is a drawback if you wanted to, you know, use your oven to cook other shit. Tough shit I say! This will be worth it.

Unfortunately you can’t even really get started on the Yorkshire pudding because you need to meat juices from the prime rib.

Oh, I know! A fun Christmas story!

Back when I was still married and living in San Diego, both of my daughters were much younger and right in the Christmas wheelhouse. I bought the family a brand new original Nintendo NES along with the current version of Madden, Mike Tyson’s Punchout and the Legend of Zelda. Like I said, it was “for the kids.” We had one of those big ass cans of the three flavored popcorn and I had a fridge full of beers. We started playing games at like 7 in the morning and played until midnight. I think I threw a ham in the oven at some point. Family wise this was one of my favorite Christmas experiences ever. We had a fucking blast.

I’m actually putting all of this meal together on Christmas Eve and I have all three of my older brothers here and later today eldest right, son-in-law and the two oldest granddaughters will be by for the Christmas Eve feast! There will be much drinking and making of merriment and some poker and probably Wii golf.

Shit.

I’ll be back in a couple of hours.

So, Yorkshire pudding. If you’re new to the game first thing is this isn’t a “proper” American style pudding. It’s an eggy breadlike thing that uses the meat juices from the prime rib and is basically there as an edible slab to place the roast on top of. Its simple in ingredients.

3 eggs

3/4 whole milk

3/4 flour

About 1/2 teaspoon of salt.

Those meat drippings from the roast.

Sift the flour and salt together, in another bowl whisk together the milk and eggs until frothy. Stir in the dry ingredients until just mixed. Think cornbread here and don’t over mix. Take those meat drippings, you should have about 1/4 to 1/2 cup and heat up your oven to 450. Put the meat juices in a pie plate, some people use muffin tin cups here and you can but I’m drinking over here! Put the pie plate with the juices in the oven until it gets really hot. Right at the smoke point. Remove the pie plate carefully, add in the pudding mix and slap back in the oven for about 15-20 minutes until it’s puffy and brown.

Cut a slab of pudding, place on a plate and put a slab of the roast right on top.

Serve along with the prepared horseradish and prepare your anus! For goodness!

There’s everyone! Come on in! Look we’ve got some cheese, some wine, some snacks and beers and bourbon and meat. Hiya little ladies! Look, there’s some presents over there and they may have your names on them.

You want to try some of the prime rib? What? No it’s supposed to be pink. Oh for fucks sake everyone can’t have the outside piece. Delicious isn’t it? What? You want a cheeseburger? Can I get a DNA test on this one? We may not be related.

Happy holidays to every one of you good folks. I hope it’s a memorable one. Hug your families and raise a glass of cheer.

See? This time of year isn’t so bad.

I thought we were supposed to eat? What’s next?

Much love good people.

Be nice to each other.

Peace!