Annual Performance Evaluation: Blandino, D.

Shogun Marcus

Shogun Marcus

Resides in a state of arrested development on the Midwest Coast. Other than his wife, has little use for most humans. He’s never slept more than 3 consecutive hours. The voices won’t allow him rest so he types them out to help authorities understand why. Why what? You’ll know…one day.
Shogun Marcus

NEW YORK, 4:30 a.m.:

A bus rolls up to NFL Headquarters. The brakes hiss as the front door opens. A smoky fog rolls along the early morning street as a stumbling figure falls onto the curb.

WHOO! HOT DAMN! That Snyder guy knows how to party! No, no guys I’m good, JJ gave me the good walking powder. I’m just gonna head on up and crash for the next couple months. Now where’s my passkey? Uhh…

*BOOM* *Yellow flags fall from the early morning sky, collecting and blowing along the man’s feet.*

BLAND-GINA YOUR TIME IS NOW! REJOICE FOR YOUR SAVIOR HAS COME AMONG YOU!

Oh shit…

SHIT INDEED YOU SEBACEOUS SECRETION! BLEERGH. IS. HERE!

I figured I had until summer at least…

YOU UNGRATEFUL SCROTAL SCRAPING! *cough cough* Nope, I have a timeline. YOUR YEARLY EVALUATION IS NIGH! Fact is it’s gonna take you and your waterheads long enough to work this shit out. I mean seriously, what the fuck?! Is that coke on your eyebrow? Fuck’s sake. That was fun 40 years ago, we’ve moved on. The guys that survived are STILL trying to blame me for laissez-faire worship. Like I knew constant melon-scrambling would give you a brain-smoothie. Me sakes, I WAS ON A SNOWY PEAK OF CHINA WHITE AND UPPERS! I get it now of course, but the pendulum has swayed. Oh how it sways. Brings me to now.  

*Brushes his face* What do you mean my Lord? I thought you would be happy wit…*getting a coffee from a foodtruck*

I’m stopping you right there my favorite labial cyst. You trying to fuck me here? After all the shit you’ve pulled this year USING MY NAME?! PUT. DOWN. THE. COFFEE. COFFEE IS FOR CLOSERS. *slaps the coffee down* YOU have made more messy holes of the rules than a lifetime of pornhub amateurs aiming for facials. DEPRESSING AND SCATTERSHOT is what I’m saying. Since when did quarterbacks dictate terms to ME?

Well my liege we had…

NOPE! NOT HEARING IT. Between that Brady fuck and that Rodgers twinkletoes telling YOU where and when to call my tributes my dance card was full. You do KNOW I have 30 other congregations and 14 other shrines to deal with on Sundays right? The direct line to me is OVAR. I’ve had it. Let them get hit. My numbers are taking a dive and I don’t appreciate it. Seems like you might have figured out what a catch is though, so hey, good on ya!

*phone rings* Yeah? Already? Well what’s Gingerfungus doing about it? Naked too?! Just ONE offseason. ONE! There’s no video right? Good. Keep it quiet, I’ll be there later. If Janay shows up to start apologizing so help you Me! Asshole…SO! WHERE WAS I…OH YEAH, CATCHES!

Dez still owes me though, so uh…he still gets nada. NOW RATINGS! 

But Sir thy figures are still…

YOUR FIGURES ARE BLOCKAGES IN MY COLON. I am THE American Deity! I know this. Where else will they go after all? Baseball? Ha…no. I allow them April, May, and June before they get back in line. Basketball? Oh have those peach-basket fucks started the fourth month of playoffs already? Hockey? While I appreciate the violence, Johnny Canuck doesn’t have much left before I make it US IceFoot! And soccer…what the Jacksonville is that? Our JV league kills them ALL on it’s OWN! If it wasn’t for that bumbling hemorrhoid of an older brother Ansee Doubleay and his annoying as fuck girlfriend Essie Cee I’d have annexed the whole thing by now and we’d have legit multiple leagues! And another…

*phone rings* Shit…HI Honey! Wha…? I thought I had the coffeemaker ready! No? Oh I’m sorry, I had to get this meeting in while everyone was available. Huh? I DID kiss you goodbye, you got all snuggly and twitched! Well I’m sorry. No, I’ll be done soon. Want bagels? With the lox and schmears? Ok baby. Yeah I’ll take him, you sleep in, you’ve been busy. Soccer IS a full-time gig I know! *eyeroll* Yup, uh-huh. Love you too. Byee!  OK LET’S FINISH THIS. YOU LISTENING?

Oh yes Lord, give me your word!

Catches? GOOD JOB. Mostly. Don’t start dutch-ruddering Pereira and PK quite yet. QUARTERBACKS, they either get ALL the flags or NONE. YOU tell THEM, not the other way! Pass interference? FIGURE THAT OUT AND QUIT BEING SO BITCHY. It’s two people going for one ball, shit is going to happen. LET IT. WHOEVER WINS EARNED IT. Holding…smmdh, you twatwaffles will never get it. IT ALWAYS HAPPENS. I SHOULD NEVAR BE THE DECIDING FACTOR. GOT IT testegoiter? Now I gotta run, but I will be back. I haven’t even BEGUN to discuss my bishops! Oh my me the pain they cause. That’s gotta wait. I gotta get breakfast and the kid needs to get to school. So Blah-gyno, not your best, not your worst. Decidedly meh. You got some time here, kick the molly out your head and work it out. YOU GOT IT? GOOD. BLEERGH OUT! *BOOM*

I…uh…where are my pants? Why can’t I sit down? Where’s my pass…*fishes around back*…OH! Ugh, how’d it get there?

What’s this note on my shirt? ….thanks xoxoxo R Kraft…

When did I get signed UGGS? Brr…ady? Sonofa…what’s this glaze?

Shogun Marcus
Shogun Marcus
Resides in a state of arrested development on the Midwest Coast. Other than his wife, has little use for most humans. He's never slept more than 3 consecutive hours. The voices won't allow him rest so he types them out to help authorities understand why. Why what? You'll know…one day.

35
Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
16 Comment threads
19 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
7 Comment authors
Moose -The End Is Well NighUnsurprisedBloody LethalballsofsteelandfuryBrettFavresColonoscopy Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I guess because it’s not their job and it’s a mess on your shoe, but pizza rat should’ve been stepped on by the person taking the video.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

He’s gotta feed the turtles.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

/Old white Republican mode ACTIVATED

LET THEM STARVE OR GET THEIR OWN PIZZA! GODDAMN GREEN THUGS!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

https://deadspin.com/former-bengals-lb-accused-of-assault-exposing-himself-1792633512

Jerome “J.K.” Schaffer, a former football player for the Cincinnati Bearcats and Bengals, was arrested in Ohio Sunday after allegedly assaulting a man and exposing himself outside of a church.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This is hilarious.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Unrelated to this acid flashback, thrilled to be a part of a record: http://www.gwsgiants.com.au/news/2017-02-22/membership-record-smashed

Thanks, Balls!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

WOOOOOOO!!

Great job!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

I told my girlfriend I was exhausted yesterday and ready to be at home. She proceeded to drag me to a bar trivia night with her over-enthusiastic friends. Then she came to sleep over but “couldn’t sleep”. I was waking up every couple hours because she was tossing and turning and half awake.

I don’t think I’ll tell my girlfriend I’m tired ever again.

ballsofsteelandfury

Was sex at all involved in said “tossing and turning”?

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

The rape of my rest!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Phfubbbbt! My brain does that every work night.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Does anybody else make a sarcastic face when typing thanks or thank you in many work emails?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
blaxabbath

So…uhhh….who gets the Oscar again?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s time, it’s time, it’s time!

http://www.ustream.tv/nasahdtv

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

FUCKING SCIENCE BONER!!

*Not fucking science in the sense that it is getting fucked right now.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

ALSO REGULAR BONER!

/presenter is very, ahem, presentable.

http://twimg.edgesuite.net/www/extfile/artvideo/20141215/82488d93b67c78065328_640.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She doesn’t pee a little when using GCI for astronomy talk either….. LIKE YOU KNOW WHO.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You have to be careful with the NASA or other science channels….. ‘Welp, there goes six hours’

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You can’t have

Annual Performance Evaluation

without anal.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Shouldn’t it be at the end of the calendar year? A Christmas APE, if you will?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

All minutia and no fun makes Unsurprised something something.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Try to break into a police impound yard to get your car back?”

– Titus Young

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I was going to say “stop watching football” but that also works.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am hoping that BLEERGH will bestow favor upon my Raiders in 2017 after the shrine they constructed in his honor in Tampa.

http://www.silverandblackpride.com/2016/10/31/13478092/detailed-breakdown-of-raiders-record-setting-23-penalties-in-tampa

ballsofsteelandfury
ballsofsteelandfury

This was awesome, btw. There are a lot of phrases in this post that i will be using from now on.