Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 71)

The scene: The twisted road which leads toward the Castle of Death, on which the Moosemobile currently sits. And on top of the Moosemobile are Future Moose and Doktor Zymm. Zymm is currently swinging Man in Plaid #2’s head at the hordes of undead that surround the vehicle, and Moose is doing his best to kick them away from the car.

Doktor Zymm (in mid-swing): Zis ist bad!

Future Moose (grabbing a minion and throwing him back into the throng of undead): Ya think?!! We came here to stop an apocalypse, and run right into a George Romero movie. And it ain’t Knightriders!

Man in Plaid #2’s Head (headbutting an undead, courtesy of Zymm): It would certainly seem that the situation is hopeless. However…

Doktor Zymm (pausing in her attack): Ja, you know, you still haven’t told me vat zis apocalypse vas all about.

Future Moose (lifting up a minion and literally swinging it at the other undead): Is this really the time, Zymm?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, if ve are going to die anyway… I am just curious, und you know how I hate mysteries…

Future Moose swings the undead, scowls as the body flies off into the crowd and leaves him holding the two arms, then proceeds to batter away at the other undead with the arms.

Future Moose: Well, if you must know, it was-

Man in Plaid #2’s Head (interrupting): Wait! My sensors are picking up something approaching at a rapid rate of speed. I think it might be…

Cue music:

Suddenly Doktor Zymm’s RV rounds the bend on two wheels, King Hippo at the wheel. The RV totters menacingly before crashing down onto all four wheels. King Hippo hits the gas hard and the RV crashes into the mass of undead, sending their lifeless bodies scattering everywhere.

[RV DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Abraham Lincoln (brandishing a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and an axe in the other): Whoooo-eeee! Let’s get this party started!

Taking a yuuuge swig of whiskey, America’s sixteenth president wades into the undead, swinging his axe wildly. King Hippo follows him into the fray, swinging the chair that Brocky is still tied to.

Brocky (crashing into a bunch of undead): Yeah! You like that? Huh? We got more where that came from!

A sound like thunder fills the air. Doktor Zymm and Future Moose watch in awe as the Door Flies Open arrives in full force, the sound of their motorcycles roaring as they plunge headlong into the multitude of undead. Darkest Timeline Zach Morris hops off of his Harley, grabs an undead and headbutts it, dropping it in its tracks.

DTZM: All right, let’s show these stinking zombies what happens when you mess with the DFO!

Future Moose (calling over from on top of the Moosemobile): They’re not zombies!

Cookiethulhu (casually batting the head off of a zombie): I have to say, old bean, I do know a thing or two about the undead, and these are definitely zombies.

Moosemas Gorilla, Horatio Cornblower on his shoulder, leaps into the fray, grabbing a zombie in each paw and swinging them wildly.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook! Ook-ook!!!

Horatio Cornblower: Why, now that you mention it, they do kind of look like Pats fans!

As Beerguyrob starts expertly flinging empty beer bottles at the shambling horde, Lord Revisisle pulls a saber from a sheath on his bike.

Lord Revisisle (lopping the head off of a zombie): Have at you! I’ll bet you didn’t know I was the captain of the fencing team at Bier en Tieten Universiteit!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (eyes dilated and swinging a tire iron recklessly, narrowly missing Old School Zero): Yeah! And I majored in ass-kicking at Faber College!

OSZ (grabbing the tire iron): Rikki, why don’t you protect the bikes? Zombies are notorious motorcycle thieves.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (saluting messily): You got it! Ain’t no zombie gonna steal our hawgs! Not while Rikki’s on the job!

A pair of zombies grab Yeah Right, but Teddy’s Bridge Over Troubled Water, enraged, grabs them both and knocks their heads together several times. It gets kind of messy.

Yeah Right: Whoa, thanks! Those things almost got me!

Teddy’s BOTW (grabbing another zombie and bashing it with his fist): Nrgh.

WCS and Pirate Sloth fight their way through the zombies and over to the Moosemobile.

Future Moose: How did you guys find us?

Pirate Sloth (grabbing a zombie in a headlock and punching it): Yar, we be askin’ the bartender at ye olde unnamed bar back in the town. He did tell us where ye be.

WCS: Nice guy! He even knew how to mix a killer Rum Martinez!

Doktor Zymm: I zink ve should be getting to ze castle. Zat is vere ve vill likely find ze others.

Future Moose pulls a zombie away from the car and gets in the driver’s seat. Doktor Zymm, still carrying Man in Plaid #2’s head, rides shotgun while WCS and Pirate Sloth get in the back.

Pirate Sloth: Yar, we be havin’ a full tank o’ gas, a half pack o’ cigarettes, it be dark, and we be wearin’ sunglasses.

WCS: Hit it.

Future Moose (glaring at them in the rear view mirror): You guys aren’t as funny as you think you are.

Future Moose turns the key, the Moosemobile roars to life, and he hits the gas, accelerating through the thinning mass of zombies.

Pirate Sloth: Yar! Ye may want to be usin’ ye windshield wipers. ‘Tis gettin’ a bit…gooey.

Cut to: The Castle of Death, where Lilith the vampire is currently biting Marc Trestmans Windowless Van.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (dazed): Whoa, like, I can see my whole life, like, flashing by, man! Hey, there’s Uncle Harold, man! He’s the one who gave me my first bong, man!

Lilith (irritated): Look, could you be quiet? I don’t like having conversations with my food.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (still dazed): What’s that, Auntie Em? Dorothy got caught up in a twister?

Lilith: Oh, for…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (dazed and confused): Like, I think you read the note wrong, Auntie Em. She ran way with Twisted Sister!

Suddenly the pile of unconscious luchadores moves. The Mexican wrestlers fall to the floor as a yuuuge mass of enraged purple muscle stands up.

Lilith (nonplussed): Now just what in the Nine Hells are you…?

In response the massive purple brute charges toward Lilith. She drops Marc Trestmans Windowless Van and brings up her hands defensively as the once-more enraged JJ Fozz raises a massive purple fist.

JJ Fozz: FOZZ SMASH!!!

To be continued…

 

 

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Excellent song choice.

Even more excellent tribute to the late Bill Paxton.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

JJ Fozz: FOZZ SMASH!!!

It doesn’t have to be exactly like real life.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Was Lemmy a real Nazi lover or just an anti-establishment pretend Nazi lover?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I read something about him studying Wehrmacht tactics and equipment (which if true we have in common). Some of the photos where he is wearing the gear give a different impression, but that could have an element of trolling mixed in.

http://static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Super+fat+man+costume_59b914_3631752.gif

jjfozz

A couple of things: I had an iced coffee with three shots of espresso and listened to Ace of Spades while reading this fucking EPIC episode. I’m typing faster than I can think and the only way I’m coming down is by taking a YUUUUUGE bong hit.

Fucking masterful stuff there, my man.

ballsofsteelandfury

I did love the fact that, while everyone else is fighting the undead, I’m strapped to a bed naked with one of the girls.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just like real life.
Also, in an unrelated matter, a particular episode of ISoG just finished writing itself in my head

ballsofsteelandfury

Hey, I’m a lover, not a fighter.

theeWeeBabySeamus

She’ll be expecting both, just so ya know.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

This was an excellent read, particularly with the accompanying Motorhead soundtrack but I’m really getting tired of Teddy getting all the best lines.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brocky

King Hippo follows him into the fray, swinging the chair that Brocky is still tied to.

Brocky (crashing into a bunch of undead): Yeah! You like that? Huh? We got more where that came from!

http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/361/214/69a.jpg

WCS

Pirate Sloth: Yar, we be havin’ a full tank o’ gas, a half pack o’ cigarettes, it be dark, and we be wearin’ sunglasses.

WCS: Hit it.

Future Moose (glaring at them in the rear view mirror): You guys aren’t as funny as you think you are.

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I disagree.