Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
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- The Losers’ Investment Club: Kroger – September 6, 2019
INT. RECORDING STUDIO – EVENING
The radio booth sits empty. A pair of radio professional are chatting casually in the outer office in front of a massive new piece of equipment.
CONOR, THE INTERN: …so when does she get back?
PRODUCER: In two weeks. It’s been pretty great. I’ve been letting the animals sleep upstairs, I haven’t done the dishes in three days, I’ve been to In N Out four times already…I do miss her, though.
CONOR, THE INTERN: So you’re sure you trust this thing? People won’t know the difference? [pats the machine]
DJ 3000: HEY HEY HANDS OFF THE MERCHANDISE. WHAT IS THIS, A MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT?
CONOR: [shrugs approvingly] Hmm.
PRODUCER: It’ll be fine. It’s too bad we couldn’t line up a real guest for the week, but I guess everybody is pretty wrapped up with contract negotiations and stuff. Anyway, I…
—–[door flies open]—–
COLIN KAEPERNICK: WOO HOO! SPRING BREAK! YEAH!
PRODUCER: What the…?
KAEPERNICK: Hey guys! How’s it going?
CONOR: Um…good, I guess. What are you doing here?
KAEPERNICK: Didn’t you hear? I’m a FREE AGENT, BABY! I go where I want!
PRODUCER: Huh. O-kay…
KAEPERNICK: So I heard you guys have a radio show where NFL personalities play host for listener requests and I thought I’d come down and offer my services.
PRODUCER: That’s, uh, very gracious of you, Colin. You’ve got a topic you want to cover?
KAEPERNICK: I sure do!
PRODUCER: Wow, okay. Looks like our evening got a lot more interesting.
DJ 3000: HEY WHAT AM I CHOPPED LIVER?
CONOR: [discreetly unplugs DJ 3000]
PRODUCER: Go on into the booth, Colin, we’ll talk to you from out here.
KAEPERNICK: [pulls out earphones, wraps them up] Hold these for me? [tosses them towards the PRODUCER but doesn’t set his feet properly and the headphones sail six feet wide of the mark]
KAEPERNICK heads into the booth and gets set at the desk. The PRODUCER taps a button and they run though a quick soundcheck.
PRODUCER: All right, sounding good. We’re live in three, two, one…
KAEPERNICK: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Request Line. I’m your host Colin Kaepernick. Tonight, we’re looking for requests for songs about how good it feels to be a FREE AGENT! Songs about flying solo, songs about not being tied down, songs about how you restructured your contract to gamble on yourself and then went on to win one game in eleven starts and that one was by just a single point, songs about how you almost put together the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history but instead now all anyone remembers you for is because you had your headphones on too loud and didn’t notice the national anthem starting so you didn’t stand up and then you tried to play it off as a political thing which worked okay for a while but then people found out you didn’t vote and got REALLY mad, songs about how you’re going to spend the free agency period waiting by the phone hoping that someone, ANYONE will call up and make you feel like they actually want you to play for their team…[shakes his head, pulls himself together]…but let’s get to the music. Call it in, I’ll give it a spin! I’ll get us started with a DOUBLE SHOT from The Who.