Steve Keim: Andrew! Andrew, welcome to Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix, Arizona! How are you doing? Bruce! Bruce! Come here!

Bruce Arians: Oh I was just grabbing a cactus candy. Sorry about that.

Keim: Bruce, I want you meet your next left tackle, Andrew Whitworth.

Arians: Nice to meet you, Andy. Can I offer you a cactus candy?

Keim: See that, Andrew? Regional flavors are in an abundance here. That’s right! We’re more than just Trump rallies, Trump donations, Trump voters, and droughts. Fun fact – did you know Joe Arpaio isn’t even the Sheriff of Maricopa County anymore? So, go on, take a candy!

Andrew Whitworth: I think — no thank you, I mean. I’d like to get something more complete in me than candy, you know. Gotta take care of myself. I’m 35 now and I live a disciplined life to still be this good at this age.

Keim: Good! Good then! We’ll get you a taco and a sonoran dog on the way out and — well, look at me — I was here to sell you on the Five C’s of Arizona but dogs and tacos aren’t even on the list! Guess the hits keep on coming with this place! It’s wonderful! In fact, did you know that the Final Four will be in Glendale at our stadium here at the end of the month? Oh hey – car is here. Hop on in.

Whitworth: Well, I’m actually not a big college basketball fan. I went to LSU, you see. And maybe if we could grab a more conventional breakfast, I might feel better about that if you both don’t mind.

Arians: Yep, Tigers basketball sucks alright. Cactus Candy?

Keim: Finish those up please, Bruce. Anyways — you know who else sucks at basketball? The Phoenix Suns. They got this owner, Robert Sarver, who was voted worst owner in the NBA and the Suns franchise as #120th out of 122 pro teams overall. Point is, once Spring Training ends, so does baseball in this town. The Coyotes are invisible whether they stay or not. So, my point is, this is an Arizona Cardinals town.

Whitworth: Well that’s great then. The Bengals have some great fans and I’m no stranger to the post-season. Not to tip my hand here but I’ll tell you that the possibility to minimize or avoid snow games for the rest of my career is one of the reasons I agreed to come on this free agent visit.

Keim: Of course! The climate is a huge draw to many professionals who are finished doing things the hard way for the sake of doing things the hard way. Oakland didn’t go young by choice, it’s because getting tackled across a grainy dirt infield isn’t comfortable.

Whitworth: I hear that. Plus their venue is just dated, man. And Paul Brown is fine but it feels a lot more than six years older than your stadium out here. I’m real excited to check out your facilities.

Keim: I understand you’re a hell of a golfer and one mean tennis player. That still true?

Whitworth: Wait — where are we now? I don’t even see the stadium. In fact, are we even still in Phoenix?

Keim: Don’t you worry about that. Driver’s got us covered. You still getting in some matches these days, then?

Whitworth: In fact I do enjoy swinging the ol’ Babolat around. I feel it gives me some explosiveness and helps my ability to change direction quickly. Golf though — that’s just for fun.

Arians: No shortage of championship golf around here. Tell you what, I don’t apply it to vets like yourself but, first camp for the rookies, I cut ’em loose at 1:30pm twice a week. Tell ’em to go play the monsoon special at any of the courses here in town. It’s like $20 to play until dark. I tell ’em to get in 27, at least. You’d be free to join though.

Keim: Listen, Andrew, I have a confession. I didn’t bring you hear to sell you on a veterans deal — you’ve got an agent to handle that — I’m here to show you the life you can have and just why so many aging professionals decide to relocate to this sunny slice of paradise just hours from both the ski slopes of Flagstaff, the beaches of the Pacific, and the fine dental care of Mexicali.

Whitworth: Sun City? Isn’t that a retirement community?

Keim: Technically. But I like to think of it as Fun City!

Arians: You gotta see these amenities, boy.

Keim: Just look at these views! Gorgeous, right?

Whitworth: Sure, I guess. It just seems a little —

Arians: I get your concerns. How ya gonna be able to train? How you going to keep conditioned if you aren’t around a bunch of alpha males? Why not get a dope pad in Scottsdale with the rest of the pros?

Keim: Embrace it. You want to be around a bunch of kids who treat every training session like a competition? Or you want to be around others who are doing everything they can to stay functional until their next social security check arrives?

Whitworth: It’s a fair point but I don’t see how —

Arians: Lifestyle!

Keim: We talked about tennis already. How about other forms of cross training? Cycling?

Arians: Low-impact aqua-aerobics!

Keim: This place offer everything from Silver Sneakers workout programs to a fully-stocked equipment room.

Whitworth: These are wonderful perks but I need to move my family out here and I don’t know about a place like this considering Arizona’s reputation as a racist wasteland.

Keim: Racist?! Wasteland?! Would a racist wasteland offer you mixed-couples competition against the winners of a match between an arab-or-hispanic-or-greek guy and his wife against, who I assume are, Smoke’s parents?

Arians: And the best thing is you can lay down some roots here. This isn’t a place you retire and leave the community. This is a place where you sign and buy a one-way ticket.

Keim: Just ask Lynne!

Arians: So look, we’re not going to pressure you here. But we wanted you to see what we have to offer. That’s it. So, you know, think it over, get with your agent and let us know.