April! God… DAMMIT – Offseason Sunday Open Thread

These are despairing times. The present has become anticipating the worst possible outcome in the foreseeable future. Or, for Jets fans, on draft day in a couple of weeks.

We’re into Month #3 of the offseason. Delaying the draft has proven to create an unbearable vacuum of news and rumors after the two initial weeks of free agency. All worthwhile angles on available Names (Adrian Peterson, Jay Cutler, Kaep…) have been exhausted. We got “Roethlisberger mulling retirement” stuff that couldn’t have gotten less credence if it were leaked through the White House. The Seahawks are shopping Richard Sherman—a story that seems to have some legs in light of a perfect storm of this being an allegedly DB-rich draft and Sherman’s 2016 assholishness clashing with the team’s usual prickhood. Wake me when he’s tied to a Browns trade offer; maybe by then I’d have enough spirit to use this:

Via @nugpapi

Right now, he NFL is doing everything short of hiring apiary consultants to create buzz. The league announced that it will announce tomorrow the 2017 preseason schedule. Of course, that is just to create anticipation about the release of the regular season schedule—the date of which is unknown and stands to be milked vigorously despite the lack of suspense regarding opponents and home / away assignments.

I do get excited about the schedule release, only to then get worked up about us non-NFC East fans being banged out of some prime time games and the Titans being relegated to the Early Games Sunday Morass. I’ll gladly take the schedule release over the Combine and all predraft analysis, which to me are as concrete and enthusing as a sonogram picture.

If I had my way, flexing for SNF should begin at Week 6. I can’t see much consensus around the teams pushing for MNF flexing, so just leave it for proven teams or rivalry games: have twice the team that won the last Super Bowl, Ravens-Steelers (please, NEVER put this matchup on non-Thanksgiving TNF), Saints-Falcons, or any divisional permutation from the NFC North and AFC West. I could really go for a Bears @ Vikings game right now. Sigh. SIGH, I say.

The NBA tonight has four games, but with six teams out of the playoffs. Here ya go, you sickos:

Mavericks (OUT) @ Suns (OUT) (5:00 PM Central)

Rockets @ Kings (OUT) (5:00 PM Central – NBA TV)

Pistons (OUT) @ Grizzlies (5:00 PM Central)

Timberwolves (OUT) @ Lakers (OUT) (8:30 PM Central – NBA TV)

MLB… Hey, just one!

Marlins (Volquez, 0-0) at Mets (Syndegaard, 0-0) – ESPN, 7:00 PM Central

MLS—oooh, this is getting easy:

Sporting Kansas City – Colorado Rapids (FS1 – 6:00 PM Central)

On the NHL, I have it on good authority that today is the last day of the regular season. There are seven games, featuring six eliminated teams. The national telecast are on TSN, the others I assigned by inference:

Avalanche (OUT) @ Blues (Uzbek Stream – 5:00 PM Central)

Blue Jackets @ Maple Leafs (TSN – 5:00 PM Central)

Penguins @ Rangers (OWN – 6:00 PM Central)

Hurricanes (OUT) @ Flyera (OUT) (COM – 6:00 PM Central)

Panthers (OUT) @ Capitals (BANG – 6:00 PM Central)

Kings (OUT) @ Ducks (#LiveTweets from @UKKingsCrew – 7:30 PM Central)

Canucks (OUT) @ Oilers (TSN – 8:00 PM Central)

Oh man, tonight is Slim Pickings City. I would suggest movies for tonight. I bet they are showing “Coming to America” somewhere.

Via 80’s Memory Lane on F*c*b**k

That is one of the most pleasant rewatchs around, perfect for dicking around your phone every time the love-interest development scenes are on. The other movie that I’d watch right now is “Dig!” (available on the Internet for free? Maybe!), a documentary on kickass bands The Dandy Warhols and The Brian Jonestown Masaccre, filmed over several years. It is thrilling and depressing, but you get stuff like ”I’ve never seen them eat. All they do is drink and snort drugs”: that is how the BJM is described by the Dandys frontman. The film is heavy on professional and emotional meltdowns without manufactured regret, which makes it an instant must-watch for Redacted fans.

I look forward to being sleepy. April blows.