Some Movies Suck. These Are Them.

This is a new feature. It’s about movies that I try and watch on various streaming services. There are many movies to watch, few of them are good. You’ll see that I barely get into the movie before turning it off, while I find others quite enjoyable. Having this thing called “joy” in my life makes me feel all weird. I prefer chaos, anger, hate, and loathing. 

Big motherfucking thanks to Low Commander for the bitchin’ image. He made it all by himself.

Title: We Have to Talk About Kevin
Starring: Some alien woman and the guy who plays Dr. Steve Brule
Elapsed Time Before Turning it Off: 20 minutes
You Will Like this Movie If: You like the color red, and have a shit ton of patience. Being drunk helps.

I can’t write a full review because I turned this shit off.

First, don’t bludgeon me with fucking symbolism, okay Mr. Artsy Fartsy Emo Director? I GET IT. All the red, and the forty variations, mean blood. Which means death. Imagine the elevator scene from The Shining, but it happens every 5 minutes.

So there’s this scarily thin woman and also Dr. Steve Brule. Don’t sell me that guy as a leading role in a drama. He’s not that guy. He’s fucking hilarious. He’s one of the Step Brothers.

The movie reveals itself in a series of flashbacks, and by Christ is that annoying. Yes, I have an imagination, but no I don’t like this kind of teasing. I had enough teasing during my dating career. Apparently the whack job kid did something terrible, and hates the mom.

The whack job kid (I’m thinking he’s Kevin?) likes to eat his fingernails and not talk to his mom. Sorry, but where I come from if you don’t take care of your mother, you’re lower than the fungus between Donald Trump’s toes.

So there you have it. I don’t want to talk about “We Have to Talk About Kevin” because talking about this movie makes me want to skin a panda. Also, for a thin chick the female lead had a decent set of knockers. And boy do I love the boobs.

Title: The Young Offenders
Starring: Two painfully pale, entertaining, Irish dudes
Elapsed Time Before Turning it Off: Watched the whole fooking thing.
You Will Like this Movie If: You remember what it’s like to be a teenager with  no brains and having a best friend with no brains, and the amount of stupid, but memorable, shit you did without dying.

You will not understand the dialogue during the first five minutes of this movie.

The two actors have severe Irish accents and talk like they’ve just done massive amounts of coke. Imagine trying to understand Emmit Smith, but you are in a diving bell and eating acid.

This movie was funny as shit, and kind of poignant when it slowed down. This was good and bad, because it was noticeable, but it was also poignant. And you will never spell the word poignant correctly.

These two Irish guys – pale as milk, and dressed like a bunch of white trash mallrats – are 16 and as stupid as they come. One of them finds out about a load of coke that washed up on shore. Seeing as how both of these retards have no future, they go out to find the coke and be millionaires.

That’s the adventure – pretty goddamn trite but done  well. The scenery is amazing and Irish people always make me laugh. I love the Irish, no shit. The actress who played the mother was hilarious. (She  perfected the “smack upside the head” move.)

One complaint: not a single decent looking woman. And no boobs. Come on, Irish filmmakers! You have an entire island of hot looking chicks with  hot as fuck accents and big boobs like you see on those milk maids. Get your fooking acts together.

Title: Navy SEALS: The Battle for New Orleans
Starring: Cro-Magnons and a sensitive skinny guy
Elapsed Time Before Turning it Off: Maybe five minutes
You Will Like this Movie If: You like to hammer nails through your scrotum, but desire more pain in your life.

This movie was a rotten, suppurating bag of vomit. That’s not true. It could have turned out to be the next Deer Hunter, but I will never know. The reason being is that the first five minutes were fucking dumber than Peter King fucking Emmitt Smith.

Apparently this squad of Navy SEALS are all built like professional wrestlers. There were about 5 guys in the squad; three of them had top knots. I hope to Christ that real SEALs do not wear top knots, because I would be depressed.

So the squad of muscle dorks ares going through a house and clearing each room, but the dialogue is complete excrement.

It’s like the director said, “Okay guys, we’re going to shoot this scene, but the screenwriter is binging on cocaine, Knob Creek, and hookers somewhere in Toronto. So use every last cliché and term you’ve heard in any other military movie or video game.”

And they did!

Then, the one guy who isn’t like the others decides to clear a room by himself. I think because he was built like Olive Oyl and trying to get some mad respect. Turns out the whole opening scene was a drill. That’s never happened in the history of military movies. Good Christ on a Segway, imagination is completely dead in America.

Next scene, the skinny guy is handcuffed to the front of a massive military truck. Then Sergeant Top Knot comes out and says, “I bet you never try and clear a room by yourself again.” Then he frees the guy and says, “Welcome to the team.”

Then he throws him a Zippo lighter.

Then I turned it off. As I fell asleep I thought, “If New Orleans had a zombie outbreak before, during, or after Mardi Gras, would anyone even notice?”