Good Night Sweet Patriot: Aaron Hernandez, 1989-2017

Aaron Hernandez was found dead this morning, apparently hanging himself with a bedsheet tied to his cell window. Reactions were immediate. “My heart is broken”, tweeted Latin Kings treasurer and superhero Tony Stark.

Friends remembered Aaron Hernandez the man, not the convicted murderer and cold case scapegoat. An inmate, who declined to provide his number, texted mournfully: “[Aa]Ron was very intelligent and generous. He could take half a Fresca and produce a liter of pruno ???”

Reached for comment, an unnamed spokesman for the Massachusetts Department of Corrections declared: “For all we knew, homicide was his thing. This tragedy completely blindsided us”. Upon being questioned about the security measures at the prison and if Hernandez was being treated humanely, the DOC became defensive: “Massachusetts is the only state in this great nation that requires motel-quality blankets for all inmates. It is unreasonable to expect correction officers to anticipate all possible misuses of hospitality-grade thread counts”.

When reached through a popular but staggeringly clunky and unsecure IM provider, a self-described “close friend” of Hernandez texted: “Aaron will be sorely missed. We really needed him against the [Aryan] Brotherhood, as he was a natural power forward willing to shoot whenever. ??”

In a written press release, the New England Patriots extended their condolences to the Hernandez family and all murder victims, whether actual or alleged. The press release also announced that, for the next three days, the Patriots’ Foxboro headquarters will fly the team flag at half mast.

Taking a different tack, the Hispanic Heritage Foundation issued a written statement of appreciation for Mr. Hernandez’s life. It read in part: “Aaron Hernandez lived forgoing any and all inclinations to talk about his Puerto Rican heritage. He even demanded a correction to a 2010 Sacramento Bee article on the NFL Combine that called him ‘Aarón Hernández’. […] He was a man committed to immerse himself in American culture and values, which found its highest expression in Hernandez’s love of guns and their intended purpose”. In a follow-up phone call, an HHF spokesman expounded on other athletes who blazed the “glorious trail” of not making any deal whatsoever about their Latin heritage, “like quarterback Markus San Chez [sic]”.

A thorough investigation into the incident is already underway. TMZ just confirmed that it culled from Facebook all selfies taken by the correctional officers who were first responders at the scene. State authorities remarked “Sure, eventually” to questions about whether they will also investigate. “But we don’t expect outside help from the FBI or other agencies, since no NFL memorabilia was lost”.

The NFL reached out to Hernandez’s family to offer condolences, along with written releases for immediate cremation. “It’s just a formality”, stated by phone an unnamed officer with knowledge of Roger Goodell’s inner machinations. “Our purpose is to let the family grieve, unburdened from associated logistics and costs, for example, body transfer, funeral arrangements, cte… I mean E T C, like et cetera”.

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