DFO At Work: Your Mock Draft Rounds 2-3 Results

I was going to try to put together a mock draft for Rounds 2-3 but then I realized that doing that would be A LOT of work and I didn’t want to.  So I rang the alarm bell at the DFO clubhouse and called in some reinforcements.  The following, pictured above in no particular order, were your participants:

Horatio Cornblower

The Maestro

BFC

King Hippo

Don T

Internet Dad

Right Rev. Electric Mayhem (I think; he used his real name for the draft and I’m sure as shit not putting that here)

The rules were simple.  I randomly set the order we’d each pick in, each person would have a minute to pick, no trading, although you could say you thought the pick would be traded in real life, and then on to the next pick.  Easy, right?  Here’s what happened:

Green Bay (Horatio)  Thinks it will be traded but for the sake of the draft, Bubba Baker, DB, Washington.

49ers (Maestro)  Forrest Lamp, OL Western Kentucky

Jacksonville (Hippo)  Hippo disappears, Horatio assigns Cam Robinson to the Jaguars

Bears (Don T)  Don T disappears, Horatio assigns Obi Melifonwu, DB, UCONN, to the Bears.  Don T. comes back in, tries to draft Cam Robinson to the Bears, Maestro goes all hockey fan on his ass and starts chanting “YOU CAN’T DO THAT”

Rams (Internet Dad)  In a meeting.  Horatio assigns Kevin King to the Rams but then Dad comes back and says Marcus Maye, S, Florida, and since he runs this place Horatio allows it, which prompts Don T to (correctly) accuse Horatio of being a dictator.  Don T then has to leave for ‘business reasons’ and disappears.

Chargers (RREM)  Josh Jones, DB, NC State.  Kudos to the good reverend for actually being on the ball.

Jets:  (BFC)  That Mixon asshole out of Oklahoma.  This pick comes in late just as Horatio is giving the Jets Azuwie, the CB out of somehwere, (Colorado?  I forget), at the same time as Hippo, who has forgotten that we’re going in order and not by teams, as was discussed much earlier, as sending Azuwie to the Panthers, who he was suppose to pick for.  Horatio, who is regretting even thinking this thing up, says “fuck it”. and assigns Azuwie to the Panthers while acknowledging that BFC has a point and the Jets are dumb enough to pick Mixon here.

Pantheres (Hippo)  Azuwie.  See above

Bengals (Maestro)  Maestro, who by now is the only one paying attention, takes Alvin Kamar, RB, Tennessee.

Saints:  (Hippo)  Hippo, still trying to figure out the rules, jumps in and takes Desmond King, S, Iowa

Eagles:  (BFC)  The Right Reverend was supposed to pick this one but got hauled into Court.  BFC was the first to jump in, the rules now having degenerated to “just shout it out, anyone”, and takes Sidney Jones, CB, Washington.

Bills:  (Internet Dad)  Disappears.  Again.  Horatio takes DeShone Kizer for the Bills, mostly for the laughs.

Cardinals (Horatio) (Filling in for the held-hostage-by-a-judge RREM)  Davis Webb, QB, Cal.

Colts (BFC)  Isaac Asiata, taken for the “funny name principle”.

Ravens:  (Internet Dad) Jordan Willis, DE, Kansas State.  Which doesn’t make a lot of sense, but makes more sense when you realize that Horatio told Dad he was picking for the Colts.

Vikings:  (Internet Dad)  Zay Jones, WR out of somewhere.

Reds**ns:  Pending!  As of this moment Maestro is on his way to class, Zymn has showed up and we’re making jokes about Jake Butts.

 

So, yeah, it went about as well as you’d expect.  Yours in the comments.  Start with the Redacteds and go from there.

 

 

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King Hippo

ALL YOUR SCATBACKS ARE BELONG TO US!!!

King Hippo

They drafted Black Christian McCaffery. Uh….

Doktor Zymm

I’m bored. Commercials are boring. I’m not gonna buy any of this crap. There must be SOMETHING I’m in the target audience for….

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Secret volcano island bases, complete with ninjas?

Doktor Zymm

They don’t advertise…..on tv

Doktor Zymm

Also, the ninja add on is a total joke, you gotta hire your own Henchmen, and offer a good health plan.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

The Henchmen do have a good union.

King Hippo

c’mon, draft the fucker I mocked for thee Missuh Richardson!!

SonOfSpam

“No, Jerry, you can’t pick a ninny.”

Doktor Zymm

Like that game, Marcus Maye I

SonOfSpam

No, like the Rod Stewart song.

“Wake up Marcus I think I got somethin to say to you”

Doktor Zymm

Totally random…earlier today I had the REM song “Everybody Hurts” stuck in my head, but with the lyric as “Everybody Poops”

SonOfSpam

So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on

King Hippo

Boy howdy, does that get harder stuck in traffic in one’s 40s…

Doktor Zymm

If Lamp succeeds there will be SO MANY jokes about how he really Lights Things Up!

Doktor Zymm

If he fails, or gets injured, RAGE RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT

LeighAnne

Eisen: “A guy named Lamp is playing for the Chargers.”

Just in case any of you missed the “Chris Berman makes terrible puns” factor in this year’s draft.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

So is Lamp a guy the Chargers can just plug in?

SonOfSpam

He’s pretty bright.

King Hippo

stomp stomp BLOCK!

Doktor Zymm

The Los Angeles Chargers select : An indifferent and fickle fan base

SonOfSpam

In Los Angeles? They’ll be lucky to get that.

LeighAnne

Mr. Whaley: Tyrod Taylor would like to not hit the ground so much, so an O Lineman would be nice, thanks. Also, purple monkey dishwasher.

King Hippo

They already got that nice Incognito fella to agree to block FOAR a coloured, what more could he ask for?? Such a glory boy ,, smgdh

Doktor Zymm

I actually really enjoy the footage of the families celebrating when someone is picked. It’s such a nice moment before those same families and friends go on to swindle money from the guy while he gets horribly injured.

SonOfSpam

Isn’t Zay the guy who sang Chocolate Rain?

King Hippo

BUF traded away an extra third to reach for THAT motherfucker?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Doktor Zymm

So….with Matt Jones apparently up for trade, there’s speculation the ‘dacteds will take a RB, after all the good RBs are gone. It’s dumb enough that I suspect Chubby will do it.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

“Matt Jones? Uh-uh. We’re not falling for that again.”

– JAX

King Hippo

Maybe he will pull the trigger on beat-y??

Doktor Zymm

I hate that I think of more than one person when you say that.

King Hippo

SO. MANY. Minor trades!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

AZ did needs a safety, thought they might wait and take the NC State guy, but they traded up for a good player instead

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

I feel like he’s not fat and meditative enough for a guy named after Buddah

scotchnaut

He’s the earlier buddha. The one that didn’t embrace carbs.

Doktor Zymm

But he’s a Baker!

SonOfSpam

Really enjoying the ESPN pick-commercial-pick-commercial rhythm.

SonOfSpam

Is he related to Andie McDowell?

King Hippo

The hips seem a bit different…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

A lip to lip comparison tells me…NO!

King Hippo

oh, that interesting

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I’m good with it. I’m betting they glue this guy to Bennett’s hip.

King Hippo

good luck splitting that A gap ,, smh

/yeah, he’s good and never hurts to get even stronger on the DL

Beastmode Ate My Baby

They need more interior pressure, especially since Mebane left. That D-line is going to be brutal.

SonOfSpam

Jacksonville selects a particularly virulent strain of SUPR MRSA.

King Hippo

you can see why he slipped out of the 1st – KK is quite the fashion risk

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Some SEA fans gon’ be PISSED

King Hippo

JAX gon take Cam Robinson, think SEA were taking Lamp regardless

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Probably. A lot of SEA fans really wanted King (I wasn’t one of them).

SonOfSpam

Ooh, you’re like Berman, only sexier.

King Hippo

In the land of the really goddamned blind, I would be that one-eyed King…

King Hippo

Green Bay upgrading on the lawn chairs they used at corner last year? Seems legit.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Obligatory BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

SonOfSpam

Sorry, I was over in the Sexy Friday thread, so I came late. I mean, earlier, but still late.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Everybody comes, and comes again.

-AC/DC

SonOfSpam

Greatest song ever!

– 10 year old me

King Hippo

chuh chuh

King Hippo

HURRY UP CHEESEFUCKERS

SonOfSpam

If you’re a cheesefucker, does that mean you go all the whey?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
LeighAnne

BBBBOOOOO we know we’re being pandered too BBBBOOOO

King Hippo

you can still make the mock pick FOAR the G-men if’n ya want. Scotchy is still cold from the Canadia…

King Hippo

Methinks tWBS is very subtly asking us to keep teh draft talk here and not in his nekkid lady thread…

scotchnaut

“Drafting? I love that shi…” [runs into wall]

-Dale Earnhardt

King Hippo

Ok you made with teh funny, SENS WOO, now read BFC’s list of funny-named prospects and select someone for your Fightin’ Coughlins.

scotchnaut

I’m just trying to ease back into this thing that I like.

/love you Hippo

King Hippo

You two Scotchy. Your omnipresence has been missed as much as teh footy. OK, almost

scotchnaut

That’s as fair as it gets.

/love ya, Hippo

King Hippo

WE GET TO BOO GOODELL AGAIN!!

Unsurprised

I’m drafting her.
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Fronkenshteen

Is that a Kardash-hole?

King Hippo

Ass is about 50-60 pounds shy of Kardashian-hood, ah would say…

Unsurprised

It’s Emily Ratajkowski

Fronkenshteen

My 3-team parlay for the evening:
/bookie rubs hands expectantly
Over 5 in both hockey games & Under 7-Mets/Nats

Bloody Lethal

I’m rooting for you.

Fronkenshteen

It’s not real. I have a kid now, so I can’t be blowing money betting sports. Also, I stunk when I was doing it. Now, I just pick games and chuckle to myself when I fail spectacularly. I make good first half bets. Is there a word for that?

Bloody Lethal

Yea it’s called “bet the first half”.

Bloody Lethal

I’m looking at jobs online. I’d say I understand about 25% of these descriptions. The other 75% is absolute bullshit.

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Unsurprised

This is why I have reached the stage of having hopelessly given up.

Bloody Lethal

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Unsurprised

Fuck it. I’m more content than I ever expect I’d be as a lawyer.

Bloody Lethal

Well I wish I had some of that fancy schoolin.

Unsurprised

I don’t. It was awful. And I know that makes me (sound like) an ungrateful asshole, but I am. It’s a horribly depressing experience and the people around me seem to be so mercenary that they’d fit in well in a medieval Swiss Guard regiment.

Bloody Lethal

i.e. Collaborate with account and creative teams to develop concepts that meet predetermined objectives and strategies

Bloody Lethal

“Identify new ideas that help our customers and strengthen our relationships.”

Unsurprised

Fix customers’ problems. What a novel idea.

Bloody Lethal

“Familiarity with lean and agile methodologies”

Unsurprised

Streamline the system by half-assing the processes.

King Hippo

It sounds like they want you to mix purple drank

Unsurprised

Zymn has showed up and we’re making jokes about Jake Butts.

ASS HERPES!

Fronkenshteen

I made it till 4:15, dammit.

/cracks first beer

King Hippo

u deserve a beer 4 that

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I deserve 4 beers for that

litre_cola

Happy with the db forbthe Iggles

King Hippo

Alright, goddamnit, since shame didn’t work and I can’t just give Miami AIDS:

#2(22) – LOLfins (Hippo fucking again) – Caleb Brantley, DT (Florida)

Certainly, someone will pick FOAR the G-men?? Scotchy? LeighAnne??

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If no one picks, I nominate best available funny name on my list.

King Hippo

Should they gets Raekwon??

King Hippo

Guys…there ain’t even supplemental picks in this round ,, smgdh

King Hippo

C’mon, some of you assdicks actually LIKE the LOLfins for some ungodly reason.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Redraft Yatil Green?

King Hippo

OK, the Fuck Lions will take Malik McDowell, DL (Sparty). He apparently has motivation issues, so this should be a perfect fit

BrettFavresColonoscopy

My favorite funny names after the first round:

Isaac Asiata, OT Utah
Chidobe Awuzie, CB Colorado
Larry Ogunjobi, DT, Charlotte
Dawuane Smoot, DE, Illinois
Jake Butt, TE, Michigan
Raekwon McMillian, OLB, Ohio St
Damore’ea Stringfellow, WR Ole Miss
JuJu Smith-Schuster, WR USC

SonOfSpam

Everyone’s playing for 2nd place behind (heh) Jake Butt.

King Hippo

I love the random apostraphe in Stringfellow’s name. TOTES ties whole thing together.

King Hippo

Three MOAR picks!!

#17 – Redacteds (Dok) – JuJu Schuster-Smith, WR (USC)
#18 – MRSA (Hippo) – Dalvin Cook, RB (FSU)
#19 – Donks (Hippo) – Zach Cunningham, ILB (Vandy)

See yinz in the 3rd!!

King Hippo

I was trying to type things up nicely 4 teh ppls

King Hippo

After Dok picks FOAR the Redacteds, I can pick for Team MRSA and mah beloved Donks in this Anarchy for the USA!! Phase…

Doktor Zymm

Chubby Gruden is running this draft for DC this year, so….some shitty overrated player in an Air Raid style offense?

King Hippo

the bestest skill player is JuJu Schuster-Smith outta Troi Boiz…wants him??

Doktor Zymm

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Do it

nomonkeyfun

You know who hates Jujubes, right?

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