I was going to try to put together a mock draft for Rounds 2-3 but then I realized that doing that would be A LOT of work and I didn’t want to. So I rang the alarm bell at the DFO clubhouse and called in some reinforcements. The following, pictured above in no particular order, were your participants:
Horatio Cornblower
The Maestro
BFC
King Hippo
Don T
Internet Dad
Right Rev. Electric Mayhem (I think; he used his real name for the draft and I’m sure as shit not putting that here)
The rules were simple. I randomly set the order we’d each pick in, each person would have a minute to pick, no trading, although you could say you thought the pick would be traded in real life, and then on to the next pick. Easy, right? Here’s what happened:
Green Bay (Horatio) Thinks it will be traded but for the sake of the draft, Bubba Baker, DB, Washington.
49ers (Maestro) Forrest Lamp, OL Western Kentucky
Jacksonville (Hippo) Hippo disappears, Horatio assigns Cam Robinson to the Jaguars
Bears (Don T) Don T disappears, Horatio assigns Obi Melifonwu, DB, UCONN, to the Bears. Don T. comes back in, tries to draft Cam Robinson to the Bears, Maestro goes all hockey fan on his ass and starts chanting “YOU CAN’T DO THAT”
Rams (Internet Dad) In a meeting. Horatio assigns Kevin King to the Rams but then Dad comes back and says Marcus Maye, S, Florida, and since he runs this place Horatio allows it, which prompts Don T to (correctly) accuse Horatio of being a dictator. Don T then has to leave for ‘business reasons’ and disappears.
Chargers (RREM) Josh Jones, DB, NC State. Kudos to the good reverend for actually being on the ball.
Jets: (BFC) That Mixon asshole out of Oklahoma. This pick comes in late just as Horatio is giving the Jets Azuwie, the CB out of somehwere, (Colorado? I forget), at the same time as Hippo, who has forgotten that we’re going in order and not by teams, as was discussed much earlier, as sending Azuwie to the Panthers, who he was suppose to pick for. Horatio, who is regretting even thinking this thing up, says “fuck it”. and assigns Azuwie to the Panthers while acknowledging that BFC has a point and the Jets are dumb enough to pick Mixon here.
Pantheres (Hippo) Azuwie. See above
Bengals (Maestro) Maestro, who by now is the only one paying attention, takes Alvin Kamar, RB, Tennessee.
Saints: (Hippo) Hippo, still trying to figure out the rules, jumps in and takes Desmond King, S, Iowa
Eagles: (BFC) The Right Reverend was supposed to pick this one but got hauled into Court. BFC was the first to jump in, the rules now having degenerated to “just shout it out, anyone”, and takes Sidney Jones, CB, Washington.
Bills: (Internet Dad) Disappears. Again. Horatio takes DeShone Kizer for the Bills, mostly for the laughs.
Cardinals (Horatio) (Filling in for the held-hostage-by-a-judge RREM) Davis Webb, QB, Cal.
Colts (BFC) Isaac Asiata, taken for the “funny name principle”.
Ravens: (Internet Dad) Jordan Willis, DE, Kansas State. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense, but makes more sense when you realize that Horatio told Dad he was picking for the Colts.
Vikings: (Internet Dad) Zay Jones, WR out of somewhere.
Reds**ns: Pending! As of this moment Maestro is on his way to class, Zymn has showed up and we’re making jokes about Jake Butts.
So, yeah, it went about as well as you’d expect. Yours in the comments. Start with the Redacteds and go from there.
ALL YOUR SCATBACKS ARE BELONG TO US!!!
They drafted Black Christian McCaffery. Uh….
Is there a sports network that does not employ Chris Rose?
I’m bored. Commercials are boring. I’m not gonna buy any of this crap. There must be SOMETHING I’m in the target audience for….
Secret volcano island bases, complete with ninjas?
They don’t advertise…..on tv
Also, the ninja add on is a total joke, you gotta hire your own Henchmen, and offer a good health plan.
The Henchmen do have a good union.
c’mon, draft the fucker I mocked for thee Missuh Richardson!!
“No, Jerry, you can’t pick a ninny.”
Like that game, Marcus Maye I
No, like the Rod Stewart song.
“Wake up Marcus I think I got somethin to say to you”
Totally random…earlier today I had the REM song “Everybody Hurts” stuck in my head, but with the lyric as “Everybody Poops”
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Boy howdy, does that get harder stuck in traffic in one’s 40s…
If Lamp succeeds there will be SO MANY jokes about how he really Lights Things Up!
If he fails, or gets injured, RAGE RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT
Eisen: “A guy named Lamp is playing for the Chargers.”
Just in case any of you missed the “Chris Berman makes terrible puns” factor in this year’s draft.
So is Lamp a guy the Chargers can just plug in?
He’s pretty bright.
stomp stomp BLOCK!
Chargers:
http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/ce/ce95bef30f0fe1b77135991cac5dfb3c402688c5d18f0cfa90d467ab901ca9c2.jpg
The Los Angeles Chargers select : An indifferent and fickle fan base
In Los Angeles? They’ll be lucky to get that.
Mr. Whaley: Tyrod Taylor would like to not hit the ground so much, so an O Lineman would be nice, thanks. Also, purple monkey dishwasher.
They already got that nice Incognito fella to agree to block FOAR a coloured, what more could he ask for?? Such a glory boy ,, smgdh
I actually really enjoy the footage of the families celebrating when someone is picked. It’s such a nice moment before those same families and friends go on to swindle money from the guy while he gets horribly injured.
Isn’t Zay the guy who sang Chocolate Rain?
BUF traded away an extra third to reach for THAT motherfucker?
http://assets.espn.go.com/media/motion/2009/0410/dm_090410_Kiper_DraftPreview.jpg
So….with Matt Jones apparently up for trade, there’s speculation the ‘dacteds will take a RB, after all the good RBs are gone. It’s dumb enough that I suspect Chubby will do it.
“Matt Jones? Uh-uh. We’re not falling for that again.”
– JAX
Maybe he will pull the trigger on beat-y??
I hate that I think of more than one person when you say that.
SO. MANY. Minor trades!!
AZ did needs a safety, thought they might wait and take the NC State guy, but they traded up for a good player instead
I feel like he’s not fat and meditative enough for a guy named after Buddah
He’s the earlier buddha. The one that didn’t embrace carbs.
But he’s a Baker!
Really enjoying the ESPN pick-commercial-pick-commercial rhythm.
Is he related to Andie McDowell?
The hips seem a bit different…
A lip to lip comparison tells me…NO!
oh, that interesting
I’m good with it. I’m betting they glue this guy to Bennett’s hip.
good luck splitting that A gap ,, smh
/yeah, he’s good and never hurts to get even stronger on the DL
They need more interior pressure, especially since Mebane left. That D-line is going to be brutal.
Jacksonville selects a particularly virulent strain of SUPR MRSA.
you can see why he slipped out of the 1st – KK is quite the fashion risk
Some SEA fans gon’ be PISSED
JAX gon take Cam Robinson, think SEA were taking Lamp regardless
Probably. A lot of SEA fans really wanted King (I wasn’t one of them).
Ooh, you’re like Berman, only sexier.
In the land of the really goddamned blind, I would be that one-eyed King…
Green Bay upgrading on the lawn chairs they used at corner last year? Seems legit.
Obligatory BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sorry, I was over in the Sexy Friday thread, so I came late. I mean, earlier, but still late.
Everybody comes, and comes again.
-AC/DC
Greatest song ever!
– 10 year old me
chuh chuh
HURRY UP CHEESEFUCKERS
If you’re a cheesefucker, does that mean you go all the whey?
http://i.imgur.com/FvX9c.gif
BBBBOOOOO we know we’re being pandered too BBBBOOOO
you can still make the mock pick FOAR the G-men if’n ya want. Scotchy is still cold from the Canadia…
Methinks tWBS is very subtly asking us to keep teh draft talk here and not in his nekkid lady thread…
“Drafting? I love that shi…” [runs into wall]
-Dale Earnhardt
Ok you made with teh funny, SENS WOO, now read BFC’s list of funny-named prospects and select someone for your Fightin’ Coughlins.
I’m just trying to ease back into this thing that I like.
/love you Hippo
You two Scotchy. Your omnipresence has been missed as much as teh footy. OK, almost…
That’s as fair as it gets.
/love ya, Hippo
WE GET TO BOO GOODELL AGAIN!!
I’m drafting her.
Is that a Kardash-hole?
Ass is about 50-60 pounds shy of Kardashian-hood, ah would say…
It’s Emily Ratajkowski
My 3-team parlay for the evening:
/bookie rubs hands expectantly
Over 5 in both hockey games & Under 7-Mets/Nats
I’m rooting for you.
It’s not real. I have a kid now, so I can’t be blowing money betting sports. Also, I stunk when I was doing it. Now, I just pick games and chuckle to myself when I fail spectacularly. I make good first half bets. Is there a word for that?
Yea it’s called “bet the first half”.
I’m looking at jobs online. I’d say I understand about 25% of these descriptions. The other 75% is absolute bullshit.
This is why I have reached the stage of having hopelessly given up.
Fuck it. I’m more content than I ever expect I’d be as a lawyer.
Well I wish I had some of that fancy schoolin.
I don’t. It was awful. And I know that makes me (sound like) an ungrateful asshole, but I am. It’s a horribly depressing experience and the people around me seem to be so mercenary that they’d fit in well in a medieval Swiss Guard regiment.
There are 2-3 people I am still friendly with from law school. The rest are people I could do very well with never seeing again. There were probably @120 graduates in my class.
That ratio has seemed to follow me for the ensuing 20+ years.
i.e. Collaborate with account and creative teams to develop concepts that meet predetermined objectives and strategies
http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Neil-Patrick-Harris-Gun-to-Head.gif
“Identify new ideas that help our customers and strengthen our relationships.”
Fix customers’ problems. What a novel idea.
“Familiarity with lean and agile methodologies”
Streamline the system by half-assing the processes.
It sounds like they want you to mix purple drank
ASS HERPES!
I made it till 4:15, dammit.
/cracks first beer
u deserve a beer 4 that
I deserve 4 beers for that
Happy with the db forbthe Iggles
Alright, goddamnit, since shame didn’t work and I can’t just give Miami AIDS:
#2(22) – LOLfins (Hippo fucking again) – Caleb Brantley, DT (Florida)
Certainly, someone will pick FOAR the G-men?? Scotchy? LeighAnne??
If no one picks, I nominate best available funny name on my list.
Should they gets Raekwon??
Guys…there ain’t even supplemental picks in this round ,, smgdh
C’mon, some of you assdicks actually LIKE the LOLfins for some ungodly reason.
Redraft Yatil Green?
OK, the Fuck Lions will take Malik McDowell, DL (Sparty). He apparently has motivation issues, so this should be a perfect fit
Next three picks are:
Lions
Dolphins
Giants
First come, first served
If I’m not wrong, and I very well could be, The Factory of Sadness is up now.
Quincy Wilson, CB, Florida. Although I have to admit I’m a little surprised he fell this far and there must be a reason.
My favorite funny names after the first round:
Isaac Asiata, OT Utah
Chidobe Awuzie, CB Colorado
Larry Ogunjobi, DT, Charlotte
Dawuane Smoot, DE, Illinois
Jake Butt, TE, Michigan
Raekwon McMillian, OLB, Ohio St
Damore’ea Stringfellow, WR Ole Miss
JuJu Smith-Schuster, WR USC
Everyone’s playing for 2nd place behind (heh) Jake Butt.
I love the random apostraphe in Stringfellow’s name. TOTES ties whole thing together.
Three MOAR picks!!
#17 – Redacteds (Dok) – JuJu Schuster-Smith, WR (USC)
#18 – MRSA (Hippo) – Dalvin Cook, RB (FSU)
#19 – Donks (Hippo) – Zach Cunningham, ILB (Vandy)
See yinz in the 3rd!!
Hippo, make the MRSA and Donks picks you’ve been waiting for!
I was trying to type things up nicely 4 teh ppls
After Dok picks FOAR the Redacteds, I can pick for Team MRSA and mah beloved Donks in this Anarchy for the USA!! Phase…
Chubby Gruden is running this draft for DC this year, so….some shitty overrated player in an Air Raid style offense?
the bestest skill player is JuJu Schuster-Smith outta Troi Boiz…wants him??
?c=2
Do it
Also one of the best names.
You know who hates Jujubes, right?
Anyone with good ta…Oh, I see what you did there!