I was going to try to put together a mock draft for Rounds 2-3 but then I realized that doing that would be A LOT of work and I didn’t want to. So I rang the alarm bell at the DFO clubhouse and called in some reinforcements. The following, pictured above in no particular order, were your participants:
Horatio Cornblower
The Maestro
BFC
King Hippo
Don T
Internet Dad
Right Rev. Electric Mayhem (I think; he used his real name for the draft and I’m sure as shit not putting that here)
The rules were simple. I randomly set the order we’d each pick in, each person would have a minute to pick, no trading, although you could say you thought the pick would be traded in real life, and then on to the next pick. Easy, right? Here’s what happened:
Green Bay (Horatio) Thinks it will be traded but for the sake of the draft, Bubba Baker, DB, Washington.
49ers (Maestro) Forrest Lamp, OL Western Kentucky
Jacksonville (Hippo) Hippo disappears, Horatio assigns Cam Robinson to the Jaguars
Bears (Don T) Don T disappears, Horatio assigns Obi Melifonwu, DB, UCONN, to the Bears. Don T. comes back in, tries to draft Cam Robinson to the Bears, Maestro goes all hockey fan on his ass and starts chanting “YOU CAN’T DO THAT”
Rams (Internet Dad) In a meeting. Horatio assigns Kevin King to the Rams but then Dad comes back and says Marcus Maye, S, Florida, and since he runs this place Horatio allows it, which prompts Don T to (correctly) accuse Horatio of being a dictator. Don T then has to leave for ‘business reasons’ and disappears.
Chargers (RREM) Josh Jones, DB, NC State. Kudos to the good reverend for actually being on the ball.
Jets: (BFC) That Mixon asshole out of Oklahoma. This pick comes in late just as Horatio is giving the Jets Azuwie, the CB out of somehwere, (Colorado? I forget), at the same time as Hippo, who has forgotten that we’re going in order and not by teams, as was discussed much earlier, as sending Azuwie to the Panthers, who he was suppose to pick for. Horatio, who is regretting even thinking this thing up, says “fuck it”. and assigns Azuwie to the Panthers while acknowledging that BFC has a point and the Jets are dumb enough to pick Mixon here.
Pantheres (Hippo) Azuwie. See above
Bengals (Maestro) Maestro, who by now is the only one paying attention, takes Alvin Kamar, RB, Tennessee.
Saints: (Hippo) Hippo, still trying to figure out the rules, jumps in and takes Desmond King, S, Iowa
Eagles: (BFC) The Right Reverend was supposed to pick this one but got hauled into Court. BFC was the first to jump in, the rules now having degenerated to “just shout it out, anyone”, and takes Sidney Jones, CB, Washington.
Bills: (Internet Dad) Disappears. Again. Horatio takes DeShone Kizer for the Bills, mostly for the laughs.
Cardinals (Horatio) (Filling in for the held-hostage-by-a-judge RREM) Davis Webb, QB, Cal.
Colts (BFC) Isaac Asiata, taken for the “funny name principle”.
Ravens: (Internet Dad) Jordan Willis, DE, Kansas State. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense, but makes more sense when you realize that Horatio told Dad he was picking for the Colts.
Vikings: (Internet Dad) Zay Jones, WR out of somewhere.
Reds**ns: Pending! As of this moment Maestro is on his way to class, Zymn has showed up and we’re making jokes about Jake Butts.
So, yeah, it went about as well as you’d expect. Yours in the comments. Start with the Redacteds and go from there.
Do you think there’s some advantage to taking picks from the same school, as they would already know each other and be used to working together? Or would that be a hindrance, as it might slow down adaptations to a new team and system?
Hahahahaha, Cleveland couldn’t put a laxative in place to ensure shit, much less put measure in place to ensure a QB’s success.
Huh, now DC has a pair of Ryans at OLB. I kinda like that. WHICH RYAN WILL SACK YOUR QB? LEFT RYAN OR RIGHT RYAN!?
The NFL Network just froze for me. I’m guessing Mixon just punched out the producer.
I was looking for a reaction pic about Kizer’s career ending before it started. However it seems the Internet gods decided to have some fun at my expense.
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/18927835/images/1335850806484.gif
The Internet Gods said, “Bengals fan,” and automatically sent you this.
Chris Cooley was Southeast Jerome’s friend, “Johnny White Guy”
Damn. Jim Brown suddenly aged like crazy all of a sudden.
Not hitting women for a few years will do that to a man.
So…Kizer for the Browns? or Davis Webb?
Fucking Christ. This guy wasn’t even a sure 3rd rounder.
Oof. At least he’s not another Goonie
Thank you for not exposing my secret identity. I’m sorry I suggested that your tanned and scraped hide really ties the room together.
Sure thing Bill White.
http://clintonportis26.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/costume-3.jpg
OK. Zach Cunningham is there. 1st round talent. Dominated SECCCCCC, PAWWWWWWLLLLLL games with almost no help at fucking Vandy, for Chrissakes. Donks’ ILB play is putrid. MUST be the pick. JUST MUST.
LOL lookit Hope Boy here.
His optimism is so touchingly naive
Has Janay Rice apologized for her role in the Bengals drafting Mixon yet?
Ooh, Alstott card read good!
Hehe, NFC East rivalry. Clinton Portis is pretty kickass. I’m okay with picking an OLB, the defense has been pretty consistently blowy for years.
Skyline Chili’s still more of an abomination.
This is my fault. I got tickets to the Bengals Opener. That’s like giving God the finger while mooning Him.
When will blondie apologize to the Bengals for being a distraction?
Eisen: “He’s be better in smaller market.”
Because…fewer women to punch in a smaller market?
they’ll also be less uppity about it ,, ppl forget that
Does a good right cross correspond with a good stiff arm?
Mike Brown: “How do we make the Bengals more hateable? I know!”
Well, I’m sure that whole year that he had to sit taught him something.
Mostly, don’t get caught hitting a woman next time.
srly, NEVAR ON VIDEO
Benglols! Damn, that shouldn’t be surprising.
THERE IT IS.
godfuckingdamnit??
it doesn’t feel GOOD exactly, but better than keeping it in
Jermaine Lewis has a lisp like Donald Trump has stupid hair.
a’ight. Who’s gonna yell “godfuckingdamnit??” (team picks Mixon)
A) Dok
B) Redshirt
C) Cursed Hippo
VOTE!!
B. We’ve been over this Hippo. God hate Cincinnati Sports Fans.
“Sports Fans” is superfluous.
THANK YOU JEEBUS!!!!
WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT ME!
I might have to go out and get more booze before the ‘dacted’s pick…..I really don’t trust Chubby not to pick Mixon. They aren’t a team that can deal well with off the field issues, and I also don’t want to have to be actively rooting for someone on the team I support to be injured.
In other words, this new Bear has NEVAR competed against black ppl
“To help the Colts announce their next pick, we welcome to the stage half a human head with no body. Skipper here tragically lost his body and half his head to a tractor while cow-tipping in a crappy exurb of Indianapolis. He can only eat shrimp cocktails and gravy. The NFL Cares. Please clap.”
CC Sabbathia just gave up a 470′ HR to Machado.
Even as a Yankees fan that shit is impressive.
It’s like he’s speaking in code…
Is that a wrestling thing?
Is Roger Goodell and Roman Reigns related?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyJh5pv3vzs
Dude is gonna put on another 100 lbs in Chicago. There is LOADS of shitty food here.
There is a “My 600 Pound Life” episode in his future.
I loved going to Chicago, both for the pizza and the fact that I was motherfucking SEXY there.
Midwest Svelte, baby!
More pizza = less svelte.
Hah, he ate lots of Chipotle and got fat to play football
At least she reads better than former NFL players.
Yeah. “Former”
I just switched over. Did the Bears just trade up to get a one-legged female gymnast?
(shrugs) still better than Trubisky
Indeed. And probably faster than the Dreaded Giraffe Sprint ™.
WILL YOU BOO THE ONE-LEGGED GIRL??
Oh FFS. Just fucking stop NFL. You’re terrible and no amount of crippled veteran widows can change that.
Does Baby Buster get weapons??
even better, a DUMPOFF option!!
However cynical you are about that display of patriotikkake, it’s not cynical enough.
USA!!!! USA!!!!!
“Flyyyyyy Igggggles Flyyyyyyy”
OK, Redacteds, you aren’t my most hated side in the NFC Least no mo’
d’awwwwwwwwww
Seriously though, Philadelphia is a lovely city, with lovely people, who turn into the worst fuckheads in the world whenever sports are involved. I tell people the story of the guy who purposely vomited on a little girl surprisingly often.
Rampant and unwarranted jingoism makes me want to drink
yeah, I was trying to stick to pills tonight but that likely pushed me over the edge
…but no actual benefits!!
I brought soldiers. Stop booing.
Sadly, all those brave men in uniform will be killed in North Korea next week.
I don’t know. Civil War II: Civil Warrer may break out.
I REALLY don’t want on the South team this time…
/pretty sure they don’t want any of us cityfolk, we all queers, Jews, and nagger-lovers, you know…
oh great, it’s the “pretend we give a shit about the military with an empty gesture” portion of the evening
Empty? They let that widow stand next to RON FUCKING JAWORSKI.
Ok, it’s after 5:00 on the West Coast, so LET THE DRANK BEGIN.
Bengals traded down? Oh, dear God. What did they do?
Give THESE turds Mixon…
Its going to be Cincinnati. Today has been constipative-diarrea level of shitty. Its gonna happen.
oh, I am sorry in advance. But at least your 1st pick was good. I don’t need to get shat upon a 2nd time…
What is it with specifically RBs and woman beating issues?
Too many coaches shouting “HIT THE HOLE HARD!”
CHRIST, you are on fire tonight…
Sometimes I wish I better understood psychology. I don’t even have a bullshit hypothesis.
There’s nothing wrong with John Randle.
upgrade from child abuser to grown woman abuser?
NOPE. That will still be the Redacteds or the Bucs….
She won’t have to cut her own switch, she can go out and buy one.
I laughed harder than I should, but goddamn that was funny