Please allow me to briefly take off my fourth estate cap and enter, just for this once, the realm of commentary.
End of game highlights are good. End of season highlights are just great though. Seasons being over. Careers being over. Coaches being straight up done – this is what I love about sports. Some people can enjoy watching a team win a championship but we all can have a good laugh watching teams not-win championships. Proof: live-blogs.
When we started this little Quotables experiment some months ago, I was afraid it was going to pitter out. NFL games do not have much action and, of the plays that do happen, few seem worth riffing out of context. My concern: that every edition of Quotables would be trimmed down to the exact same highlights ESPN/NBC/Skip v Darkie/CBS overexpose (“It’s Tuesday and look at this catch by OBJ that we just cannot stop talking about! Also, tune in to Rachel Maddow for Trump’s tax returns at 11!”). While I think we had fair success with weekly submissions during the season, I approached the NFL offseason with continued trepidation.
But man was I wrong. Sports man — I don’t know why I watch complete events of ANYTHING. Highlights, I’m telling you right here and right now, are the wave of the future. And, always ahead of the curve, Quotables Is HighlightsTM.
Anyways, here are your April Quotables.
Peter King writes a 50,000 word diatribe on why this is wrong for baseball in a football blog, and how it does not follow the unwritten code
As always, fuck Peter King with Roger Goodell’s syphilitic dick.
http://m0.sportsjoe.ie/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/12180145/novak.gif
Mmm. Bunny turd.
http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/FatRoyalsFanDance.gif
Chris Elliot really let himself go.
Fournette:”Why does SMU call this the Craig James drill?”
Orgeron: *something unintelligible*
Shouldn’t he be carrying a shovel?
Alternate version – the football is full of lye.
Translation: “Ichiro game-worn jock straps for sale!”
I would make a joke that he’s not a young girl, but then I remembered that these are baseball fans and that’s probably an equally disturbed real market.
http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/48-danieal-manning-NUTSHOT-INTERCEPTION-best-sports-gifs-of-2012.gif
CGI gets better and better, I almost thought that was a real team.
Sequels are never as good as the original.
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Sweet Jebus. He ded.
Huh. An albino headhunter
This is no Geelong ball.
BILLY BOB! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
“Tell me about the rabbits, George.”
That famous midwestern athleticism.
Odd. Those fans are usually only excited at seeing a bomb dropped on the Japanese.
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“Von Ribbentrop! The safe word is Von Ribbentrop!”
YOU TOUCH MY GABAGOOL I TOUCH YOU!
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That’s what you get for trying to kick a cock.
I haven’t seen an Israeli chase cock like that since Naomi Russell retired.
Ron Jeremy getting some outdoor exercise.
Fun fact: this is how Caleb Brantley trains for his relationships.
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http://www.gifmania.us/Animated-Gifs-Fun/Free-Animations-Funny-Sports/Images-Funny-Soccer/Falling-Downstairs-84230.gif
What the fuck?!
http://static1.bustaflash.com/funnystuff/gifs/hockeyfail.gif
Canadian Seppuku
Nicely done.
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“Do you wanna know how I got these scars?”
“And then Trump says, ‘I’d hire Romo as a spokesman for the wall, but I’m afraid he’d break his shoulder laying the first brick.'”
Ol’DubbleJ: “Who? Tony?? Romo??? Never heard of her. Now, Louise, get me my next gott-damned star on line 2! YEEEEHAAAaaWWWw I AM FUCKIN CRAZY!!”
JG: *hears busy signal “Who was he talking to?”
http://25.media.tumblr.com/afe961d7d897ab543cab860283024e25/tumblr_mzytf6ZAxO1rrsol6o7_r1_500.gif
(Alt)
JG: *hears busy signal* “Oh, thank God.”
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Crowd reaction to the announcement of the first Indy House of Gravy franchise opening in the Ohio market.
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The first 500 customers get complimentary souvenir XXXXXL gravy bibs.
Gonzaga: Now with ≥ 1 minority!
JJ: Yeah, I’d like a three-whore combo: One Russian, one Lithuanian, and what the Hell, one American.
Ginger: Do you have any girls who can discuss the historical differences between continental and Anglo-American etiquette practices?
http://images.wildammo.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/f_celeb.gif
/YAKKITY SAX FLIES OPEN
“Am I the only one who sees a giant orange elf pumping his fist and screaming in triumph?”
– Johnny Manziel, trying to do his laundry.
/Ryan Leaf nods knowingly, fist bumps Todd Marinovich
“We need players willing to take some scalps on the field! I mean, they can’t be giving effort and then taking it back! They have to leave a trail of tears on the field every time they step on it.”
Heritage, Not Hate
I haven’t seen Cleveland this excited since they finally put out the Cuyahoga River fire.
Roger Goodell fined Coghlan $50,000 just out of habit.
“YAAAAAADDdddddiiiii!!!1!11! Hug MEEEEEEeeeeeee!”
I haven’t seen such bobbing and weaving followed by an eventual descent into meaningless word salad since Sean Spicer’s last press conference.
If you don’t know how to shuck and jive, you’re gonna have a bad time in the NFL.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I could have sworn you were Marie Antoinette.”
And that’s how I was able to afford to attend a private American university.
My little brother went above and beyond to get me into this Jesuit school.
If you listen closely to the audio, you can just make out Coghlan saying “Excuse me, sorrie,” at mid-jump.
“We’re not like those weak-assed Baylor bitches! We can take a repeated fisting like the champs we are! Sigma Tau Rules!”
Sorry, forgot this (mandatory):
Purple. Monkey. Dishwasher.
/Fade to black
The girl’s just glad she’s not the one getting the creampie this time.
“It’s not so funny when someone blasts you in the face, now, is it?”
“I haven’t seen you with that much cream on your face since pledge night.”
And then the rush masters didn’t even have the goddamn common courtesy to give the pledges a reacharound.
Blast in the face, huh?
–Police investigating Steve McNair’s death
JESUS
Didn’t see that coming.
“Just like those trees.”
-R. Bironas
God DAMN. Take a bow.
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Huh. Usually the concussion comes after a blow to the head.
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HELP! POLICE! I NEED AN ADULT!
Always bet on White in MIssissippi.
It was nice of the coaches to let the Make A Dream kids play, but they really should’ve notified the players on both sides.
Manifest Destiny, a one gif retelling.
Stickum? Damn near killed ‘im.
Don’t let your RBs play in traffic.
More accurate targeting than Trump’s missile strike on Syria.
A hit so hard it would’ve knocked the brains back into Trent Green.
“That Trent Green must be all fucked up.”
-(smirking) T. Green
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How’d a gazelle make its way onto FedEx Field?
Pictured: Wichita.
Ecru Field
The Kroenke Family did everything they could to stop Coghlan from coming home
Oh my God
“Yeah, welcome to the team, look I gotta know, when you and a lady 69, do you call it Eating Tacos for Two?”
Ok, I think we are done with this one.
Draymond Green plays hockey, too?
These fans still would have been more excited to catch a fish
Jerry- “The hookers and blow are on the plane and ready to go? They got their Cowboys branded knee pads as well? Excellent! Wait, Princeton boy has a question.”
Jason- “Did you get the girl on girl act? I always appreciate a fine eating.”