Offseason Quotables: NCAA Championship to the Draft (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

Latest posts by blaxabbath (see all)

Please allow me to briefly take off my fourth estate cap and enter, just for this once, the realm of commentary.

“Those are supposed to be different?”

End of game highlights are good. End of season highlights are just great though. Seasons being over. Careers being over. Coaches being straight up done – this is what I love about sports. Some people can enjoy watching a team win a championship but we all can have a good laugh watching teams not-win championships. Proof: live-blogs.

When we started this little Quotables experiment some months ago, I was afraid it was going to pitter out. NFL games do not have much action and, of the plays that do happen, few seem worth riffing out of context. My concern: that every edition of Quotables would be trimmed down to the exact same highlights ESPN/NBC/Skip v Darkie/CBS overexpose (“It’s Tuesday and look at this catch by OBJ that we just cannot stop talking about! Also, tune in to Rachel Maddow for Trump’s tax returns at 11!”). While I think we had fair success with weekly submissions during the season, I approached the NFL offseason with continued trepidation.

But man was I wrong. Sports man — I don’t know why I watch complete events of ANYTHING. Highlights, I’m telling you right here and right now, are the wave of the future. And, always ahead of the curve, Quotables Is HighlightsTM.

Anyways, here are your April Quotables.


Curious how Mississippi State’s Spring Game ended?

Here’s some Gonzaga coeds going all local-news about the team’s March Madness performance.

Leonard Fournette practices maneuvering the minefield that is the franchises with the first five draft picks.

In MLB action, Ichiro went yard in his final at-bat in SEA.

Also, Chris Coghlan scored against the St Louis Rams Cardinals.

Browns fans celebrated their first overall draft pick [again].

It was all smiles — mostly wrinkled evil smiles — for Taco in the Cowboys war room.

Not surprisingly, this guy doesn’t see anything inappropriate with Washington’s mascot #MAGA
blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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Game Time Decision
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Game Time Decision

Peter King writes a 50,000 word diatribe on why this is wrong for baseball in a football blog, and how it does not follow the unwritten code

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LemonJello
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LemonJello

As always, fuck Peter King with Roger Goodell’s syphilitic dick.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Mmm. Bunny turd.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Chris Elliot really let himself go.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Fournette:”Why does SMU call this the Craig James drill?”
Orgeron: *something unintelligible*

Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

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Shouldn’t he be carrying a shovel?

LemonJello
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LemonJello

Alternate version – the football is full of lye.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Translation: “Ichiro game-worn jock straps for sale!”

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I would make a joke that he’s not a young girl, but then I remembered that these are baseball fans and that’s probably an equally disturbed real market.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Sequels are never as good as the original.

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LemonJello
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LemonJello

CGI gets better and better, I almost thought that was a real team.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Huh. An albino headhunter

LemonJello
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LemonJello

Sweet Jebus. He ded.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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That famous midwestern athleticism.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

“Tell me about the rabbits, George.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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BILLY BOB! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Odd. Those fans are usually only excited at seeing a bomb dropped on the Japanese.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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YOU TOUCH MY GABAGOOL I TOUCH YOU!

LemonJello
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LemonJello

“Von Ribbentrop! The safe word is Von Ribbentrop!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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Fun fact: this is how Caleb Brantley trains for his relationships.

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Ron Jeremy getting some outdoor exercise.

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I haven’t seen an Israeli chase cock like that since Naomi Russell retired.

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That’s what you get for trying to kick a cock.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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What the fuck?!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Canadian Seppuku

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Nicely done.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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“Do you wanna know how I got these scars?”

jjfozz
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“And then Trump says, ‘I’d hire Romo as a spokesman for the wall, but I’m afraid he’d break his shoulder laying the first brick.'”

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Ol’DubbleJ: “Who? Tony?? Romo??? Never heard of her. Now, Louise, get me my next gott-damned star on line 2! YEEEEHAAAaaWWWw I AM FUCKIN CRAZY!!”

JG: *hears busy signal “Who was he talking to?”

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(Alt)

JG: *hears busy signal* “Oh, thank God.”

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¯\_(ツ)_/¯

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Crowd reaction to the announcement of the first Indy House of Gravy franchise opening in the Ohio market.

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The first 500 customers get complimentary souvenir XXXXXL gravy bibs.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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Gonzaga: Now with ≥ 1 minority!

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JJ: Yeah, I’d like a three-whore combo: One Russian, one Lithuanian, and what the Hell, one American.

Ginger: Do you have any girls who can discuss the historical differences between continental and Anglo-American etiquette practices?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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/YAKKITY SAX FLIES OPEN

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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“Am I the only one who sees a giant orange elf pumping his fist and screaming in triumph?”

– Johnny Manziel, trying to do his laundry.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

/Ryan Leaf nods knowingly, fist bumps Todd Marinovich

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“We need players willing to take some scalps on the field! I mean, they can’t be giving effort and then taking it back! They have to leave a trail of tears on the field every time they step on it.”

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Heritage, Not Hate

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I haven’t seen Cleveland this excited since they finally put out the Cuyahoga River fire.

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Roger Goodell fined Coghlan $50,000 just out of habit.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“YAAAAAADDdddddiiiii!!!1!11! Hug MEEEEEEeeeeeee!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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I haven’t seen such bobbing and weaving followed by an eventual descent into meaningless word salad since Sean Spicer’s last press conference.

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If you don’t know how to shuck and jive, you’re gonna have a bad time in the NFL.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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“Oh, I’m sorry. I could have sworn you were Marie Antoinette.”

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And that’s how I was able to afford to attend a private American university.

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My little brother went above and beyond to get me into this Jesuit school.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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If you listen closely to the audio, you can just make out Coghlan saying “Excuse me, sorrie,” at mid-jump.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“We’re not like those weak-assed Baylor bitches! We can take a repeated fisting like the champs we are! Sigma Tau Rules!”

LemonJello
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LemonJello

Sorry, forgot this (mandatory):
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LemonJello
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LemonJello

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Purple. Monkey. Dishwasher.
/Fade to black

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The girl’s just glad she’s not the one getting the creampie this time.

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“It’s not so funny when someone blasts you in the face, now, is it?”

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Blast in the face, huh?

–Police investigating Steve McNair’s death

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JESUS

Didn’t see that coming.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

“Just like those trees.”
-R. Bironas

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God DAMN. Take a bow.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

“I haven’t seen you with that much cream on your face since pledge night.”

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And then the rush masters didn’t even have the goddamn common courtesy to give the pledges a reacharound.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Huh. Usually the concussion comes after a blow to the head.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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HELP! POLICE! I NEED AN ADULT!

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Always bet on White in MIssissippi.

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A hit so hard it would’ve knocked the brains back into Trent Green.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

“That Trent Green must be all fucked up.”
-(smirking) T. Green

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More accurate targeting than Trump’s missile strike on Syria.

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Don’t let your RBs play in traffic.

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Stickum? Damn near killed ‘im.

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Manifest Destiny, a one gif retelling.

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It was nice of the coaches to let the Make A Dream kids play, but they really should’ve notified the players on both sides.

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LemonJello
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LemonJello

Pictured: Wichita.

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Ecru Field

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How’d a gazelle make its way onto FedEx Field?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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The Kroenke Family did everything they could to stop Coghlan from coming home

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Oh my God

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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“Yeah, welcome to the team, look I gotta know, when you and a lady 69, do you call it Eating Tacos for Two?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ok, I think we are done with this one.
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Draymond Green plays hockey, too?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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These fans still would have been more excited to catch a fish

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

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Jerry- “The hookers and blow are on the plane and ready to go? They got their Cowboys branded knee pads as well? Excellent! Wait, Princeton boy has a question.”

Jason- “Did you get the girl on girl act? I always appreciate a fine eating.”

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