Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
- Your “Leave Your Worries Behind” Friday Evening Open Thread – July 20, 2018
- Your “Paraskevidekatriaphobia” Friday Evening Open Thread – July 13, 2018
- Terrell Who? – July 12, 2018
[Dusk, Joshua Tree National Park]
balls leans in to look at the dashboard of the new girl’s car, just as tWBS has asked. He’s already annoyed at tWBS, and LCSS too. At this point he just wants to go home. Then he sees it. The small piece of rock tWBS saw only moments before. The slightly not quite gray color, with striations of maybe pink? Red? Purple? It’s difficult to pin down. But there it is. Right there on this lovely woman’s dash. It’s slightly bigger than his (giggity), but otherwise it’s a perfect match for the rock balls now holds.
balls: HOLY. FUCK.
tWBS: There it is!!!!!!
New Girl: What are you guys talking about?
balls: You go ahead. (balls reaches into his pocket and hands something to tWBS) … I need a minute or two to process this.
tWBS (to balls, taking the something): Fair enough. I’d be surprised if you didn’t. Also, Imma need for you to hand over the paper luggage too. Temporarily, of course.
Without the slightest protest, balls goes to Dave’s passenger door, opens it, and retrieves his paper luggage. He walks over to where tWBS stands next to the new girl, and hands the bag over.
balls (to tWBS): Like I said, I need a minute to digest this. Tell her what she needs to know, but don’t fuck this up for me. I’ll be back.
tWBS: You can count on me. Probably.
balls walks off in the direction of the sunset which has now shifted from oranges and yellows, to purples and pinks.
tWBS (to New Girl): Soooooo, ummmmm, Van….
New Girl: Look, just cut to the chase. I’m not some wilting flower you need to treat gently. Don’t try to schmooze me. Just tell me. The past week has already been a fucking nightmare.
tWBS: OK then. Respect, FWIW. But here it is…. (tWBS shows the new girl the rock CB gave to balls earlier) … Shall we talk? Or perhaps your quest and his quest have nothing to do with one another?
New Girl: ¡Oh, Dios mío!
tWBS: Exactly. Now, trust me when I say that no matter how fucked up you think your story is of how you ended up here today, with that rock, crossing paths with one of the greatest guys I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing…. Our story is probably weirder. But more importantly….this is HIS story. And yours too. We’ve been on a quest to find…well…you. I think. But your quest is greater. Because you found….Him…. You’re a lucky woman. Treat him well.
tWBS lays balls’ rock down on the table and leaves it with the New Girl. He picks up balls’ paper luggage and pulls a photo out of it. He lays it on the table in front of the new girl and asks…
tWBS: Yes or No? Does this photo mean anything to you?
New Girl (trembling slightly): Yes.
tWBS: Yep, thought so. You and balls need to talk. He’ll be back very soon, I’m sure.
New Girl: But….how did you know?
tWBS only smiles as he picks up the photo and returns it to balls’ paper luggage. He leaves balls’ small heart shaped rock lying on the table. He stands up and walks away from the picnic table where the new girl still sits, staring at the small rock. Just then balls returns.
balls: Is it OK if we talk?
New Girl: I think we better. Please, sit…?
The two sit down on the picnic bench.
tWBS decides to give them some privacy, gets in Dave, and drives off…somewhere. He’s not quite sure where he is going, but he just follows the road absent-mindedly. Just then his phone rings….
INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY
A pair of sleazy Hollywood producers are huddled over the speakerphone, as they return tWBS’ call from a few days earlier regarding something about “a pitch for a new show”….allegedly…
DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: Hey!!!! tWBS, how the hell are you?
tWBS: Oh wow, Hi. I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon. I haven’t had time to discuss things with my partner yet and…
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Hey, whoa now, we don’t wanna get in the way of any lover’s spat. If there’s that kind of thing…
tWBS: NO!!!! Not that kind of…my writing partner!!!!
DTZM: Not that there’s anything wrong with that?
DTZM: But we’ve got great news, as it turns out…
RTD: Right, it turns out you’ll have some more time to break the news to him. Maybe a dinner and dancing, then some pillow talk…
tWBS: Wait? More time?
DTZM: It’s not that we don’t like the concept.
RTD: We love the concept.
DTZM: Several beautiful women…
RTD: A dynamic quest…
DTZM: Each week brings a new weird thing happening…
RTD: All the right ingredients are there.
DTZM: It’s just that…
RTD: There’s one thing…
DTZM: One little thing…
BOTH: [deep breath]
DTZM: It’s bad timing.
RTD: Yeah, it’s really just not the right time.
tWBS: Story of my life, gentlemen.
DTZM: The estate of Leonard Nimoy still owns the rights to the phrase “In Search Of”.
RTD: For now.
DTZM: Yeah, for now.
RTD: But here’s what I want you to do. I want you to mark today on your calendar. And in exactly one year, I want you to call me. We’ll make “In Search of a Goddess” a reality.
DTZM: Great name, by the way.
tWBS (getting excited): You guys are for real? We’re actually gonna do this?
RTD: Absolutely. In one year. We won’t forget the name [reads from a Post-It note, pronouncing deliberately] tee-dubya-bee-ess.
tWBS: Well if it would help to speed things up, we would not be opposed to changing the name and…
DTZM: Oh you’re starting to break up now.
RTD: Yeah, I’m n…. ing you. One y…..om today.
tWBS (smiling now): Sweet!!!!!
tWBS hangs up and drives along absently, lost in thought about the possibility of this shit happening. I mean, this type of shit only happens in hokey fan-fiction written by horny people with one hand down their pants and another on the computer.
Then again, 50 Shades Darker just came out, so…
As visions of millions of dollars and countless naked women bounce around in tWBS’ head, he fails to notice that the paved road has now turned into a dirt road and is now winding its way up the slope towards the mountain. Suddenly, he sees what appears to be an old cabin up ahead. There is a familiar-looking car parked in front. He pulls Dave up alongside, turns the engine off, and listens.
tWBS (to Dave): Holy shit, that’s their car, isn’t it?
He hears no response from Dave.
tWBS: This is getting old, Dave. Real damned old.
tWBS climbs out of Dave and looks around. He sees no one. He goes to the front door and knocks, but there’s no answer. He tries the knob and the door opens. He peeks inside….
tWBS: Helllooooo….? Anybody in here? (leaning in further and looking around) …. No shit…if anybody jumps out at me it might not end well for y…..
On the floor, in the front room, lies a pile of clothes.
tWBS (walking further inside): Dammit. Hellloooo??? Where are you guys?
As he moves into the kitchen and past the old woodstove, tWBS trips and faceplants onto the tiled floor….HARD!!!!
tWBS (lip bleeding and beginning to swell): Movverfhucker!!!!!
tWBS turns back to see what he missed before. In front of the woodstove is an area, approximately 4’x4′, raised about two inches from the floor surface. It is painted a dull gray color and it has some kind of adornment on top of it. tWBS turns and crawls towards it to get a better look. When he’s close enough to realize that what he’s seeing are old and tattered photographs of….someone….several someone’s actually….two words rush thru his mind and out of his talkhole…
tWBS: Mass. Grave.
He jumps up and yells.
tWBS: BALLLLLLSSSS!!!!!! Oh shit he’s not here. LCSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! Oh shit he’s high and naked and lost.
tWBS turns to run back toward Dave and….trips over the grave again, this time landing on his knee.
tWBS sits in the cabin floor nursing his injuries, cursing the alleged grave, and hoping that if it is a mass grave that their kinfolk don’t show up like in every good slasher movie right about now. He begins looking around for something he can use as a weapon, when he sees that in the rear of the cabin, behind the kitchen, the back door is open (giggity). He stands up and limps towards it, this time being careful to avoid the assaulty mass grave…
tWBS: Missed me this time, dead fuckers.
Then he thinks of something. He turns back towards the woodstove and grabs the fire poker. He tests its weight, then test swings it. When he he does….
tWBS (running to retrieve fire poker): Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit….I’ll ummmm….ummmm…I’ll fix this later…yeah.
He turns to run thru the kitchen again, toward the open back door (giggity) and…he trips over the grave again, this time sending him stumbling into the refrigerator. When he hits it, he goes to one knee. A vase sitting atop it topples over, landing and breaking on tWBS’ head. Not amused, tWBS looks toward the grave again…
tWBS (out of breath): I swear, when I get back here, I’m gonna dig you assholes up and burn your bodies for warmth.
tWBS rushes outside and sets out in search of the quartet of nekkidness. He quickly notices that as the sun falls further and further toward the horizon, it is quickly becoming noticeably colder, and even worse…the wind gusts are now picking up. In his worry over the wind and cold, however, he forgets to be aware of his surroundings and almost meets with catastrophe….
tWBS: Sonofabitch…Whoa!!!!! Dammit…that was too fucking close. Move along little snake dude…don’t wanna have to kill ya.
tWBS side steps the rattler and continues on his way, confident the snake will do the same.
After another ten minutes the dark is really beginning to set in, and along with it, the cold. tWBS is beginning to think he’s going to need to call in the authorities to keep the lost and naked quartet from dying of exposure in the Joshua Tree National Park overnight, so he heads back toward the cabin, hoping for a land line. It’s gonna take forever if he has to drive somewhere for a cell signal.
He back tracks as quickly as he can in the growing darkness, and soon sees the lights of the cabin just ahead. As he approaches, he stops in his tracks when he notices that the back door is open again (giggity).
tWBS: Did I leave that open?
He approaches the door slowly and raises the fire poker, ready to swing or poke should the need arise…..
As he closes to within just a couple of steps of the open door, he hears a commotion inside. Noises of groaning, and slurping and….oh my god what was THAT noise? Oh Jesus, the kinfolk are back and they’re eating LCSS and the girls.
tWBS summons his courage and bursts in the door, fire poker at the ready, and quickly assesses the room.
tWBS: OH MY GOD!!!! That’s fucking WORSE!!!!!!
tWBS throws up in his mouth a little as he looks down on naked LCSS laid out reverse spread eagle atop the mass grave. He’s being held down by two naked girls (one on each arm), while the other is parked between his legs doing…something. The details of which are mercifully hidden from tWBS’ view from his vantage point. He turns to exit the room quickly….
LCSS: Dude, it’s not what it looks like!!! I got bit by a rattlesnake. She’s trying to…
tWBS turns back. As he does, he sees what LCSS is saying.
tWBS: How long ago?
LCSS: Like five minutes….?
tWBS: That won’t work then. Hang on.
tWBS rushes out to Dave. As he does he trips over the grave, but doesn’t fall this time.
tWBS (under his breath): Motherfuckers!!!!
He opens Dave’s passenger door and grabs balls’ paper luggage. He opens it and pulls 3 things out. He puts the bag back inside Dave and runs back inside.
tWBS: OK, I need to put this tourniquet on your arm.
LCSS: Shouldn’t you put it on my leg? That’s where the bite…
tWBS: I told you, it’s too late for that. And it’s not that kind of tourniquet. I need to give you an intravenous injection.
LCSS: Wait whut? A shot??? Plus, you’re a vet!!!!!
tWBS: What does that have to do with anything?
LCSS: Holy shit man, you don’t have to fucking put me down!!!!! FFS!!!!
tWBS: Are you still high?
LCSS: Yeah, why?
tWBS: Ummmmmmm….no reason. But Dude, just relax, it’s antivenin. It’s to keep you from losing your leg and/or maybe dying. Those are your choices….shot or die.
LCSS: Well, it’s no “hump or die”…. but… gimme the shot I guess.
tWBS (drawing the antivenin from the vial): Can I call you my “OD’ing Bitch” the rest of the night?
LCSS: I’d be ashamed of you if you didn’t. And how do you just happen to have rattlesnake antivenin along for the ride?
tWBS(tightening tourniquet): Just smart planning I guess. Oh…and did I mention that (finger quotes) … anaphylaxis, shortness of breath, genitals falling off, skin lesions, heart palpitations and death are (moar finger quotes) … only rarely experienced by the patient….?
tWBS gently slides his big needle into LCSS’ tight little vein.
tWBS: Ha!!! Nice.
After giving LCSS the injection and bandaging the injection site, tWBS announces….
tWBS: OK, it is time for all of you to get dressed and for us to get the fuck out of here. When those people come back…
Girl#1: What people?
tWBS: The people who live here. They’re not gonna be happy when they come back and we’re in here messing up their stuff and…
Girl#2: Dude, relax…our family owns these cabins.
tWBS: Cabins….as in plural?
Girl#2: Yeah, they’re rentals. This one just happened to be empty this weekend. We were bored there at the campsite, so we decided to come up here and do some naked hiking where we knew we’d have privacy.
tWBS: Well what about that grave in front of the woodstove???
Girl#1 (nervously): Hahaha….it’s not a grave. It’s just a decorative thing our grandmother did years ago. Yeah, the photos are of family, but nobody is buried there. Really….it’s not.
tWBS (suspiciously): Uh….huh.
Girl#3: WTF happened to the sliding glass door????
Girl#2: And Grandma’s priceless vase!!!!!
tWBS (nervously): Huh? Who knows? The important thing to remember is everyone is OK. Aaaannnd it’s time to leave now.
tWBS turns to exit….quickly….and trips over the non(allegedly) grave one last time.
tWBS (under his breath to the “oh yes it so totally IS a” grave): Yeah, I didn’t believe her even when she was saying it before. Don’t you worry…I’ll be back to deal with you someday. Oh yes….someday….
tWBS (to everyone): No shit. Let’s go! (to LCSS) … You’re riding with me.
LCSS reluctantly puts on his shorts, shirt, and baseball cap and follows tWBS out the door.
LCSS: It’s a good thing the fun was over already.
tWBS: Fun? Over?
LCSS: Well, we were taking a break outside when that little fucker bit me!
tWBS: Taking a break? A break from what???
LCSS: From the Bang Bus.
tWBS: What the fuck is a Bang Bus?
LCSS: Here, check it out on my phone.
LCSS taps his phone a few times then shows it to tWBS….
tWBS: So you’re telling me that while I was out there in the cold searching for you…you were in that bus right next to the house…
LCSS (grinning): Yes.
tWBS: And you were…
LCSS (Smiling): Yes.
tWBS: With all three of them at once?
LCSS (laughing and flexing a little bit): Hell yes.
tWBS: But one of the girls said you guys came up here to hike in the nude, or whatever.
LCSS: Yeah, OK. I was with three chicks who were naked and high. Of course I was going with. But no, once the Bang Bus presented itself, hiking was on the back burner.
tWBS: Wow, nicely played. Nonetheless, you may not think it, but you’re lucky I came when I did.
LCSS: Funny, that’s what one of the girls said.
The duo gets into Dave and drive back to the campsite. When they arrive, balls and the New Girl are gone. On top of the picnic table is a handwritten note:
I owe you more than you will ever know. Thanks for taking this trip with me. Love you, brother!
Do me one last favor and go to San Felipe. We’ll meet you there in a couple of days. Also, bring you know who. No, not for that you sick perv!
LCSS: So what does that mean?
tWBS: It means you’re taking next week off from work.
LCSS: Sounds about right. Who is “you know who”….?
tWBS: I don’t know.
LCSS: Then I guess it’s not “you know who” after all then, huh? More like “you don’t know who”….AMIRITE?????
LCSS raises his hand, fully expecting a high five. tWBS does not offer.
LCSS: Well, I thought it was funny. Are you gonna be this way the whole trip down there?
tWBS: Yes, probably.
[TWO DAYS LATER]
tWBS and LCSS are driving down La 5 on the way to San Felipe. tWBS is still butthurt…
tWBS: I mean I’m happy for him and all…. That was the whole point, right? But what kind of dick move is that to just take off and leave a fucking note? I mean for all he knows, we’re both dead right now. Our bones baking to a nice white in the desert sun. I mean it’s just not cool is all.
LCSS (annoyed): You know, you’ve been saying that same shit this whole time we’ve been driving. You know what the real issue here is, right?
tWBS: Shut up.
LCSS: Just say it.
tWBS: Fiiiiine. I’m a big ol’ girl. I wanna know the gossip. I wanna know what happened. I just wanna know.
tWBS: Fuck you. It’s a beautiful romantic story. And yes, I’m pissed that I don’t know how it ended.
LCSS: Wow, you’re a pussy. So, what’s in the paper luggage?
tWBS: Need to know, my friend, need to know.
As they pull off the main road onto the dirt road that leads to the beach house, the duo can hear music and people laughing. Once they arrive, they see a party in full swing with a lot of familiar faces intermingled with locals who have wandering in from either the sounds of the music and laughter, or the scrumptious smells wafting from the grills.
Blax and Mrs. Blax emerge from a crowd on the lawn to greet tWBS and LCSS at the gate.
Blax: About time you fuckers showed up!
Mrs. Blax: Blaxxy!!! Language!! And you hush now, anyway. I’m sure the boys are tired after a long drive. The bar is right over there, boys!
LCSS and tWBS head towards the bar and almost trip on all the Tecate gear strewn about.
LCSS: da Fuq man? What’s up with all the Tecate stuff?
tWBS: What the?? MY BONG!!!! (tWBS looks around nervously) …. Ohhhhh shit.
tWBS points to a bright shiny new red Tecate bong sitting on top of a table adjacent to the bar. He walks over to it and sees a note attached.
LCSS: Soooooo? Let’s go inside.
tWBS: You go ahead. I need a drink first I think.
LCSS heads inside. tWBS can hear the uproar of joy from everyone when they see LCSS enter the room. tWBS pulls a beer from the fridge behind the outdoor open air bar, then peers thru the glass into the house and watches the activity. He sees familiar faces all about. Everyone is having a very nice time.
RTD and Mrs RTD sit with DTZM and Mrs DTZM off in one corner. They are obviously discussing some high powered legal/entertainment/dick joke issues. Blax, Mrs Blax, Covalent Blonde and LCSS’ three girlfriends sit in a circle in the center of the room. LCSS joins them, and Blax fills his hand with a cold beer within only seconds. The local talent has seemingly multiplied, and it is becoming a standing room only affair very quickly.
Everyone is having a grand time. Everyone who is here, that is.
tWBS kills his beer, grabs one of the Tecate surfboards, and heads down the stairs leading to the beach. He paddles out and catches a couple of waves, but soon gets bored. Eventually, he paddles out beyond the break and just sits, looking at the stars as they brighten to the east. He’s lost in thought and doesn’t notice when someone paddles up behind him.
tWBS (slightly startled, turns to face balls): Hey. Missed you at the campsite.
balls: Sorry about that. We needed to get rid of distractions and….
tWBS: No, it’s OK. I get it. Things are good then?
balls: Things are great.
tWBS: That’s good. That’s really good, man.
balls: I’m sorry.
balls: I’m sorry she didn’t come.
tWBS: Ah, right. No big deal. It’s really not a surprise. It’s not as if I didn’t screw her over enough in the past. I had this one coming to me.
balls: Hey seriously, if it’s any consolation…at least…
tWBS: It’s not. Not even a little bit, FWIW, so don’t even say it. Look man, stop wasting time with me. Go. Enjoy everyone. Enjoy HER. That was the whole point. I’ll be in soon.
Without saying anything more, balls turns and paddles until he catches a wave. He surfs it in, where SHE is waiting for him with a towel. tWBS watches as the two walk together across the sand, up the stairs to the house, and join the party.
tWBS (smiling): Nice. Totally worth it.
Just then, the biggest wave of the day surges out of the Sea and tWBS manages to catch it just right. Somehow, a tube forms and tWBS gets in it.
For a split second or two, tWBS experiences a feeling of epic bliss as he is surrounded by water and a ray of light from the sunset shines through the wave and envelops him.
He just as suddenly wipes out, goes into the washing machine, hits his head on a rock, and loses consciousness.
A FEMALE VOICE: It’s a good thing I came when I did!
tWBS (weakly): ph…ra…sing…
FEMALE VOICE: Dumbass!
The unknown female stops giving tWBS CPR and leans back on the beach. Just for general principal…..She slaps him….HARD!!!!!
tWBS: There it is!!! That’s what Papi likes!!!
Leticia: You ass!!
Her white top is wet and translucent. She wears no bra.
tWBS (fakes death throes badly): Whu.. What happened????
Leticia: You almost drowned, that’s what happened.
tWBS: Are you sure?? Because that totally does not sound like me. I’m a very strong swimmer. When I was 9 I took the junior freestyle 1500 meters and it wasn’t even close. I coulda been in the Olympics, ya know???????
Leticia: Stop being a huge stupid dick. It’s about time you matured into being an adult before you kill yourself, or everyone in your life tells you to fuck off….you know, whichever comes first.
tWBS: And yet here you are.
Leticia: Yes, here I am. Lucky for you, you’re here too.
tWBS (looks at her taut nipples): Ummmm…those are nice.
Leticia: I think what you’re trying to say is thank you.
tWBS: No, really it’s not. Your nipples look great…I said what I meant.
Leticia: Sometimes I wonder why I….
tWBS: Careful…. You’re finally close to figuring it out. Don’t fuck it up now.
Leticia: Considering your levels of old and ugly and stupid….you have much too much self confidence.
tWBS: And yet, I repeat……here you are. And if you’d meant all that mean shit, you’d have slapped me again. In fact, I bet if I had a little blue pill right now….
Leticia slaps tWBS again….HARDER.
Leticia: Oh, so now you NEED the pill.
tWBS: Do I? Not after that slap. Let me bend you over for a sec and I’ll show you just how ready to go I…..
Leticia: You really are a terrible person.
tWBS (giggling): True enough….but I can scratch you where you itch. Trust me. Or are you forgetting last month in Nogales?
Leticia, for once in her life, is rendered speechless.
tWBS: Yeah, that’s what I thought. It’s OK. No need to be afraid of it. You can say it.
Leticia: Fuck you.
tWBS: See? Now that’s what got you back into this whole mess again with me, you know? But, meh. Close enough. I know ya hate me enough to last us well into the happily every after. And I kinda think you pretty much suck too so….whaddya say?
tWBS raises his torso, grabs her by the back of the neck, and pulls her to him for a passionate kiss.
They roll around on the beach, continuing to kiss and tearing what remaining clothes they have off.
Up above, everyone at the party sees them and raises their glass.
All: ABOUT FUCKING TIME!
tWBS: FUCKING PERVERTS!!!!!! HAVE SOME GODDAMNED RESPECT!!!!
tWBS and balls
tWBS and balls
tWBS as tWBS
balls as balls
Salma Hayek as Salma Hayek
Deadpool: Seriously? You’re still reading this? Ok, like all good movies (wink), this puppy has an end credits scene:
[Six months later, INTERIOR, COZY B&B IN VERMONT]
Manuel: We’ve got a problem. They were supposed to deliver 50 pounds of fresh lobster today for tonight’s party.
Luis: So what’s the problem, Babe?
Manuel: Lover, are you that dense? Do you see any lobster? If this party doesn’t pop, this B&B will never get off the ground and we’ll have to go back to Méjico.
Luis: Oh, right. OK. So now what?
Manuel: Oh never mind, my gruff little Pooh Bear. Who cares as long as I have you to love and to hold foreverafter, my sweet.
Luis: Wait…that’s great and all but we’re still gonna kill those two guys eventually…right? Also stop calling me stupid shit like “Pooh Bear”.
Manuel: Oh fuck yes….we are going to kill those Hijos des las Grand Putas!!!! Eventually. But first, bend me over and show me the wood from the forests of Vermont…..
To Be Continued…….????
Maybe eventually…..or maybe not.
LCSS (to Dave): So, ummmmm….I really felt a connection with you and ummmmm…. (removes pants)….
Dave speeds off.
tWBS (to Leticia): So this no sex with Salma rule is only when you’re not around…..right?
New Girl (to balls): Soooooooo, your friends seem nice. But when are they leaving FFS??????