“SOME TABLE IS BETTER THAN NONE TABLE?”

SERVER: Welcome to Cafe Fina on Monterey’s beautiful Fisherman’s Wharf! My name is Nick and I will be your server today. Can I start you off with anything to drink?

CUSTOMER: Well, I…

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

JOHN MADDEN: EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU APPEAR TO BE SITTING AT MY TABLE, AND WHEN YOU SIT AT MY TABLE I CAN’T SIT AT MY TABLE, AND THAT’S JUST NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS.

CUSTOMER: What? But I had reservations, and this is where they sat–

[MADDEN points to a sign on the wall]

MADDEN: THAT’S JOHN MADDEN. M-A-D-D-E-N. AND SEE, WELL YA SEE, THE THING IS, YOU SHOULD HAVE SAT SOMEWHERE ELSE. BUT YOU DIDN’T. [Bumps CUSTOMER out of his chair and sits in his place with one swift motion]

CUSTOMER: Hey!

SERVER: [To Madden] Here is your menu, sir.

MADDEN: THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF LETTERS IN AMATRICIANA.

SERVER: And your crayons, sir.

MADDEN: LET ME JUST DRAW THIS MEAL RIGHT UP. [Scribbles on the table cloth] FIRST YOU START WITH THE [unintelligible] AND THEN YOU GET THE [unintelligible] [unintelligible] [unintelligible]…

MADDEN: …AND THAT’S REALLY THE FOUNDATION OF ANY GOOD DINNER.

SERVER: Alright, one order of “Mom’s Meatballs and Sausage with Pasta,” coming right up. And would you like soup or salad with that?

MADDEN: I’M EITHER GOING TO GET SOUP HERE, OR SALAD.

SERVER: …I’ll just put you down for one of each.

MADDEN: WHEN YOU HAVE GREAT SERVERS, SERVING GREAT, WELL THAT’S GREAT SERVICE.