Pooping in the middle of the night.
As I write this, it is 2:45 AM and I’m sitting on the throne. I specifically woke up with the urge to go. I tried to fight it, but I couldn’t go back to sleep. You may have… questions.
1- What kind of fucked up switch gets turned on when you get old that this kind of shit happens?
2- Given our survey results, does this happen to most of the DFO readership?
3- Even the girls?
4- Girls don’t poop, right?
5- I mean German scheisse videos are just an urban legend, right?
6- Are you as surprised as me that we have female readers?
7- Did you know I’m taking a crack at Sexy Friday tomorrow?
8- That can’t be good for anyone, right?
9- Are you now scared that I mentioned Sexy Friday and German scheisse videos in the same post?
10- Does DTZM have one finger on the “BAN” button like the people that dial 9 and 1 and are just waiting for the other shoe to drop?
11- Isn’t “other shoe to drop” a weird phrase?
12- I mean, why a shoe?
13- And when do shoes drop?
14- Don’t they get lustily thrown at the walls as you are undressing each other?
15- Did I get that image from German scheisse videos or from Rex’s Erotic Friend Fiction notebook?
16- What if it’s BOTH?
17- Just blew your mind, didn’t I?
18- Would you believe me if I told you to NOT look up “sexy shoe drop” on YouTube?
19- How do you fill up four minutes of video with someone dangling their shoe off their foot and finally dropping it?
20- Is it the suspense of when the shoe is actually going to drop?
21- Isn’t it like all movies though in that it doesn’t happen until the end?
22- Do they have end credits scenes in these shoe videos?
23- Like the espadrille says “I’ll see you next week. IN HELL!”, that kind of thing?
24- Espadrilles are evil shoes, aren’t they?
25- How the fuck am I ever going to go back to sleep now?!?
Quick NBA hot take:
Which is going to be funnier: watching Lonzo Ball flame out, or watching Grayson Allen get the shit kicked out of him the first time he tries his tripping shenanigans in the NBA?
I’m gonna say Grayson Allen. Lonzo will be a casualty of watching his dad implode. Which will still be amusing but with a tinge of… not sadness, but something.
God damn do I miss this 8-BT…
Was it;
1. Fire hose velocity with un-chewed items (your body just needed to rid itself of the crap you ate)?
2. Pliable, like a well worn pillow?
3. Anus ripping forced brick (opiate or cheese)?
4. Mostly gas with occasional splash producing bullet turds?
How much did you read during said “episode”?
Did your legs fall asleep?
Did you cramp up?
Did the passage of time become distorted and your surroundings appear to lose color?
Did you ever lose consciousness?
If so; were you still on the toilet or on the floor? Possibly somewhere else in the house or yard?
1- No
2- Yes?
3- No
4- Good gas but not mostly
5- A lot. 30 minutes worth
6- Almost
7- Thankfully, no
8- Yes, but that’s normal when I poop.
9- No
10- N/A
11- On the lanai.
Schrödinger’s Deuce
http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/legarrette-blount-signs-one-year-deal-with-the-eagles-joins-crowded-backfield/
So would that make a Philly Blount?
/ I will see myself out thank you.
http://www.msn.com/en-us/sports/ncaafb/new-baylor-lawsuit-alleges-rape-video-dog-fighting/ar-BBBePz8?OCID=ansmsnnews11
So we can throw dogfighting on the list apparently.
This sounds like it may be historically related to your other late night problem.
I hate that every room since I was 14 has always been the hottest room in the house where ever I go. It is 76 outside and 87 in my room. I miss my childhood room that was on the northern side and let subzero wind blow through all night. I can’t even just strip down to my boxers because I live with someone else.
I mean you still can, they just might not be too happy about it.
Based on a conversation I just had, my interpersonal skills suck. I spend way too much time alone.
Sweet Jesus this has turned into just stereotypical corporate speak. I need to be both “book” smart and “street” smart. I need to keep my “eye” on the “prize”. I am suppose to have at least three mentors.
I refuse to have the same number of mentors as ex-wives.
I’m betting this guy in two days is charging 100 times what my technical training costs over five days.
Three? As a new lawyer, I’m supposed to have at least six.
Wow, a lawyer was able to find six people who would marry them.
Who said anything about people?
Corporations are people.
Proving yet again that real work is for suckers.
Are you working to create synergy and outside the box solutions?
Also, this:
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/1968205/angry-russian-with-machine-gun-o.gif
Oh, and JSD’s situation made me think of this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aW2LvQUcwqc
Maybe we should touch base later Lemonjello.
I’ll pencil you in so we can discuss symbiotic fusion of our goal-oriented planning process to ensure a successful end-state is reached.
http://101.imagebam.com/download/PtfWWrgNCeKdlvNGcVIwWg/54806/548053323/Aubrey01.gif
1- What kind of fucked up switch gets turned on when you get old that this kind of shit happens?
I had a stretch of a few weeks where I had to pee about 4:00 AM almost every night. It went away, or maybe I just wet the bed now and my wife fixes it before I get up in the morning.
5- I mean German scheisse videos are just an urban legend, right?
No. I saw one years back involving a priest and a nun screaming in German at each other while doing, uh, that stuff. You can’t unsee that.
7- Did you know I’m taking a crack at Sexy Friday tomorrow?
So…Sexy Thursday?
I’ve had that switch on for a couple of years now. My body hates me, but the feeling is mutual.
“Wait, that’s on YouTube now?!”
— Rex Ryan
Forced to go to a 2 day training on customer support. I am the only person here that works customer support out of 20 people and of course no management. Pretty much just sat through a bitch session about us customer support guys because I am the only native English speaker in the group.
At one point, one of our engineers was saying that we need to be more like Chick FilA.
So near as I can tell, I am suppose to make minimum wage and shove fried fast food down the gullets of our systems engineers.
“JSD…why is no one else here? You guys here to learn this stuff”
“Well Bob….there are five of us to cover the globe so….yeah…we can’t all be here at once and provide 24/7 coverage”
Bob turns to the instructor “see what I mean? These guys just don’t get it”
Gotta pay the mortgage. Learn to love that mantra.
Jebus wept.
Break for lunch. Immediately run outside to make phones back to the office in regards to about thirty emails I have gotten since 8am. Most are customer support issues.
Come back inside….most of the food is gone. I sit down….get told the table is having a divisional meeting. Move to the next table…same thing. End up eating standing up in the corner of the lobby.
Phone rings and it’s from my boss. Start taking the call. HR lady asks me to go outside because it’s distracting. Finish the call. Come back inside. HR lady confronts me.
“JSD, I notice you aren’t sharing or interacting with anyone. We have talked about this. You need to make the effort here. Team building is not a solo effort”
Phone rings from boss. I tell her I have to take this.
“JSD, we will talk about your professionalism on Friday”
So I guess she is planning on a trip to an Indiana steel mill to berate me about team building.
How diplomatically do you have to be to tell HR lady to go fuck herself?
I pretty much ignore then until my performance review time. I sit down with them, let them bitch at me to try and prepare me for a salary freeze.
I then open up my work and personal email accounts and go through with them the job offers I currently have and we come to the agreement they have to match the top offer.
They don’t like me.
HAHAHAHA
That’s awesome.
I’m primarily concerned about any potential correlation between Sexy Friday and 2:45AM bathroom selfies.
Espadrilles are evil shoes, but not the most evil. Clogs are sinister.
1. No one looks good in them
2. They make the wearer clumsy and ungainly, unless
3. They are involved with “clog dancing”
4. Ain’t nobody got time for clog dancing
5. They share a name with an unquestionably negative condition of non-flow
6. Seriously, is there any situation where “clogged” is a good thing?
7. Which brings us neatly back to Balls and his Midnight Toilet
6. Hr McMaster would disagree with you if he could stop acting as Trump’s mouthpiece.
http://i559.photobucket.com/albums/ss33/steve5084/defeatedt72.jpg
Metamucil is both heaven and hell.
Espadrilles are the best shoes EVA. ‘Cept when it’s raining.
I can say confidently that my tombstone could proudly read “Never Wore Crocs”.
Crocs are not shoes. They are war crimes.
ballsofsteelandfury (artist’s rendering):
25- How the fuck am I ever going to go back to sleep now?!?
I’ll answer for everyone: jerk off
What he said.