Dear HRTN…

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: The HRTN editor’s meeting room. It’s a large room with a table and several chairs around it.Covalent Blonde, Old School Zero, Ballsofsteelandfury and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van are sitting around the table, and there are yuuuge stacks of letters strewn about. There are two doors in the room. A normal one, and an iron-barred door with a sign on it that says “Writer’s Room.”

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dude, I can’t, like, believe all these letters, man.

Covalent Blonde: Well, we have been kind of busy lately. But I thought we should really get around to answering at least a few of them.

Ballsofsteelandfury (picking up one of the letters): Here’s one. It says:

Dear HRTN,

I never believed those letters were true, but then my father got married again. This time to a hot blonde only a few years older than me! But I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m a 21 year-old redhead, and a cheerleader for…

Covalent Blonde (snatching the letter away): And that’s enough of that letter! It figures you’d pick out the one letter that could double as a porn script.

OSZ: Porn has scripts?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: No, man. Like, a bunch of these letters start out like that. But that’s okay, ’cause I separated them all out.

OSZ (looking at the piles of letters): You mean these are in some kind of order?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Of course, man! Like, I take my job here seriously, man. I separated everything into separate piles based on…um… Oh, man! Like, I forgot what system I was using, man!

Covalent Blonde (picking up another letter): Never mind. Here’s another one…

Dear HRTN,

Are Ballsofsteelandfury and Old School Zero the same person?

Ballsofsteelandfury and OSZ (in unison): What? NO! Of course not!

Covalent Blonde: There you go, straight from the horses mouths…

Ballsofsteelandfury and OSZ (in unison):Ha! Jinx!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (picking up another letter): Like, this one asks…

Dear HRTN,

What’s the HRTN theme song? Talking Heads just seems to be too on the nose, but it is fitting.

Covalent Blonde (rushing to the iron-barred door): Marc, are you crazy?

There’s a loud banging on the door, accompanied by sounds of unadulterated rage. Covalent Blonde pushes a large red button next to the door. The sound of gas fills the room behind the iron-barred door, and the sounds fade away.

Covalent Blonde: OK, that should keep him docile for a few hours. Jeez, Marc! Talking Heads?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, sorry, man.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting Marc a finger gun): It’s cool, Marc, I got this. The official HRTN theme song is, of course:

OSZ (holding his hands over his ears): Could we turn that down a little bit?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (shouting): If it’s, like, too loud, you’re too old, man!

Covalent Blonde (pointing to the iron-barred door): Besides, it makes him sleep like a baby.

OSZ: Fine, fine. OK, let me read one…

Dear HRTN,

Did Balls ever have actual sex with the vampires? If so, how was it/he?

Ballsofsteelandfury (with twin finger guns): You betcha! And it was great!

Covalent Blonde (skeptically): Really?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Um… Well, kind of. I mean… Look, we were interrupted by Fozz!

Covalent Blonde: Fozzus interruptus? That’s a new one.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, that leads right into this letter, man…

Dear HRTN,

Where is Fozz?

OSZ: Oh, that’s an easy one! After getting blasted through that sky-hole thingy, he landed on…

Covalent Blonde (putting a hand over OSZ’s mouth): Nope. That’s still a secret. If they wanna find out what happened to Fozz, they’re gonna have to keep reading.

Ballsofsteelandfury: How about this one, then…

Dear HRTN,

Where is the rest of Otto?

OSZ: Mmph?

Covalent Blonde (removing her hand): Well, I suppose that’s okay…

OSZ: So, Otto’s body was picked up by the cops after someone was out playing with it in the park…

Ballsofsteelandfury looks around innocently.

OSZ: He was interrogated by the cops, but since he’s lacking a brain, he didn’t really give them anything. After they let him go he wandered mindlessly around town until he accidentally wandered into the airport. From there, one thing led to another, and now…

Ballsofsteelandfury: Senior agent for the TSA.

OSZ: Yup.

Covalent Blonde: Yikes. Remind me to never fly again. Oh, hey, this one asks…

Dear HRTN,

Who’s manning the clubhouse now?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Yeah. Um, that’d be…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa! Those guys are pretty cool, man!

OSZ: Here’s one right up your alley, Marc.

Dear HRTN,

What are the dollar amounts of alcohol, weed and SPONCH! consumed by the DFOers per episode?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (getting out a calculator): Hmm… Like, if we add it all up, then divide by, like, the number of club members…

OSZ (looking over his shoulder): Whoa. That much?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Afraid so, man.

Ballsofsteelandfury (looking at the calculator): Huh. Yeah, seems about right.

OSZ: I could buy a new Prius for that!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Sure, man. But then you’d, like, have a Prius, man. And no weed.

Covalent Blonde: Okay, we have time for one more letter.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Oh! I’ve got one, man! It asks…

Dear HRTN,

How come Marc Trestmans Windowless Van isn’t in every, like, episode, man? Like, he’s the coolest guy in the DFO and, like, has cool hair and drugs and stuff…

Covalent Blonde (taking the letter from Marc): Marc, I know your handwriting. You wrote this one yourself.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Totally, man! Like, weren’t we supposed to write our own?

Covalent Blonde (sighing): Never mind, Marc.

OSZ (picking up another letter): Hey, I’ve got another porn letter!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Awesome! Can we read that one?

Covalent Blonde: No! I swear, you guys cannot get your minds out of the gutter…

Ballsofsteelandfury (with another letter): Hey, this one has twins! And baby oil!

Covalent Blonde (headlocking Ballsofsteelandfury with one arm and OSZ with the other): You guys are really getting on my nerves!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa! Is this, like, the start of one of those letters, man?

Ballsofsteelandfury and OSZ (in unison):YES!

Covalent Blonde (squeezing both their heads until they turn purple): Think again, nitwits.

Ballsofsteelandfury (weakly high-fiving OSZ as he passes out): Best…letter day…ever….

To be continued…

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighBrettFavresColonoscopySenor WeaseloballsofsteelandfuryLow Commander of the Super Soldiers Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Humor in the face of adversity.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

HRTN has an editor’s room? No wonder PK couldn’t stick around.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There are distractions…..
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Let-ters? In the future, Emperor Moose banned all written communication not in GIF form. I don’t see how you can really appreciate a classic like “Romeo and Juliet” without 69 different Alison Brie characters.

“20,000 Leagues Under the Sea” is not recommended.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wait, wait, hand written screeds are held in the highest esteem, especially if they are mostly indecipherable. I grew up with the hand drawn depictions of technical aspirations (yes, engineering drafting). That said; I LIKE HOW YOU ARE THINKING HERE.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Iliad can be found on the mighty DFO servers.

Senor Weaselo

In gif form. And possibly even in pog form.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It just needs to be put in the right order; a task in and of itself would be reliving The Odyssey.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fuck, sorry for the double OOK.

ballsofsteelandfury

No need to be sorry.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Obviously from a pre-Code film. OOK.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’ll take it.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Hey, now. I’m still at the clubhouse. With an angry as fuck future Debby Harry.

blaxabbath

Letter to HRTN? What’s next, the clip show episode?

ballsofsteelandfury

If we ever have a “Very special episode” of HRTN, I’m going on a Fozz-like rampage.

Senor Weaselo

Just say no to bath salts, kids!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6RtVjMDHzE&ab_channel=MikeListon

C’mon, man. This is easily DFO and HRTN’s theme song. You wanna see helicopters?!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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